Blooper Mario Sunshine
by AllHailMario
Summary: A wacky parody of Super Mario Sunshine which involves a mean-spirited FLUDD, not-so-succulent seafood, and a poorly-designed Mecha Bowser. Read as Mario puts up with all the madness!
1. Goop, Ugliness, and 4 Month Old Raisins

AUTHOR'S NOTE: You are now reading a parody of Super Mario Sunshine, written in play-style. For instance, when somebody speaks, their name will be written in **bold** beside what they're saying. If something happens, it will be written in _italic._ So I hope that clears up things for you. Enjoy, and try not to laugh too hard.

--

_Peach, Mario, Toadsworth, and a handful of Toads are in Peach's personal jet flying to Isle Delfino. A TV screen comes to life and begins telling them about tropical Isle Delfino..._

**Pianta:** Welcome to tropical Isle Delfino, an island filled with sunshine!

_A bug flies onto the camera_

**Pianta:** And we, um, will welcome, uh...Johnson, will you take care of that bug!?

**Cameraman:** Sorry!

_The Cameraman squashes the bug, leaving a gooey mess_

**Pianta:** Eew! You're ruining our video!

**Cameraman:** Shut up! Just continue while I clean up the camera!

**Pianta:** Ahem...in this wonderful paradise, you can find a 4-Star hotel--

**Other Pianta:** 3-Star.

**Pianta:** What?

**Other Pianta:** Leaky bathrooms.

**Pianta:** Um...you'll also find an excellent amusement park, and succulent seafood!

_Mario gets hearts in his eyes and moans happily_

**Pianta:** Well, actually, it tastes like crap.

_Camera changes to a Pianta turning green and clutching his throat at a seafood restaurant. Mario's moaning stops instantly_

**Pianta:** Well, that aside, you'll have tons of fun here in our peaceful island!

_An all-out war breaks loose. Piantas punch each other, Pianta children forcefully bury each other in the sand, and a shark eats a dolphin in the water far away. Peach watches all this strangely. All the while, a shadowy Mario-like figure is bouncing around in the background. It trips and knocks its head on a very spiky Durian. A high-pitched shriek is heard as the video pauses. The shriek pauses, too, filling the jet with sound that could make milk curdle_

**Peach:** Mario...?

_A mushroom salad Mario is eating bursts into fire and shrivels up. Mario is too concerned with covering his ears to care._

--

_The jet eventually lands in Isle Delfino, but swerves out of the way to avoid a goopy mess. Mario and the crew get outside the plane and look at the mess_

**Toadsworth:** I am most concerned with the well-being of the princess in this dreadful heat! Master Mario, if you would, cross over to the other side and find some assistance!

**Mario:** Why can't you do it?

**Toadsworth:** Because I am old and you are young, that's why!

**Mario:** You mean you're too lazy to.

**Toadsworth:** I am not!

**Mario:** Yeah, real concerned.

**Peach:** Alright, stop arguing and just get over there!

_Mario reluctantly walks forward. He turns to Toadsworth and mouths the words, "This isn't finished." On the other side, he finds what other than a mysterious mechanical device_

**FLUDD:** Security systems activating.

**Mario:** Huh?

_Mario is sprayed with so much water, it blasts him into the wall behind him. He walks forward slowly, holding his hand in front of him, until he touches FLUDD_

**FLUDD:** Security systems deactivated. You must be a customer. I am FLUDD, a Fake Lying Unuseful Dumb Dud. I am pleased to meet you.

**Mario:** If you had any teeth, you'd be lying through them.

**FLUDD:** Correct. Let me instruct you on how to use me. To spray water, press the R button.

**Mario:** What's the R button?

**FLUDD:** If you hold it all the way down, you can stop and shoot.

**Mario:** Hold what down?

**FLUDD:** Press X to switch to the Hover Nozzle.

**Mario:** For goodness' sakes, what is the X button!?

**FLUDD:** If you run out of water, you can hold R while in deep water to refill the tanks.

**Mario:** What's the R button!? Or any button, for that matter?

**FLUDD:** Instructions complete. Get out, you moron.

**Mario:** Gosh, you really ARE unuseful. Well, I guess I found some assistance. Let me clean that goop up.

_Mario sprays water into the goop, and it turns into a goopy Piranha Plant. It opens and closes its mouth periodically._

**FLUDD:** Try spraying water into its mouth to hurt it.

**Mario:** How 'bout no?

_Mario pulls out a four-month-old raisin found in his shoe and throws it into the Piranha Plant's mouth. It shrivels up and dies instantly._

**FLUDD:** That was disgusting.

**Mario:** You're disgusting. Hey, look, a shiny thingy! I'm gonna get it!

**Toad:** Hey, look! Someone's coming!

_Two Pianta policemen stomp forward in sync with one another. One accidentally trips a little and goes out of sync. The other one slaps him in the back of the head. Mario is taken to court, where a court session takes place..._

**Judge:** Court is now in session!

**Pianta:** Mario is guilty.

**Judge:** Court adjourned!

**Mario:** Hey, wait a minute! What is this!?

_In the jail cell, FLUDD begins to talk to Mario_

**FLUDD:** This is quite a predicament, Mario.

**Mario:** You don't say.

**FLUDD:** Island analysis confirms that the Piantas indeed are in distress. We must clean up the island and stop it from becoming any dirtier. The perpetrator is likely at work even as we speak. Mario, you witnessed this object at the airstrip, did you not?

**Mario:** What object?

**FLUDD:** What are you, stupid? It is a Shine Sprite.

**Mario:** Well, pardon me for not reading your mind!

**FLUDD:** I have no mind. Only a moron would have assumed so.

**Mario:** Continue!!

**FLUDD:** The Shine Sprites once gathered together in great numbers at the Shine Gate, but since the graffiti and goop incident, they have all fled. We must get them back. The Piantas will bow toward us and erect great statues in our honor. And we will rule the world.

**Mario:** I like that idea. When do we get out of here?

--

**Pianta Policeman:** Okay, your first job is to get rid of all that ugliness.

**Mario:** Okay. Step out of the camera.

**Pianta Policeman:** What...?

**Mario:** You asked me to get rid of all that ugliness.

**Pianta Policeman:** Why, you pig-bellied, fat-nosed, ungrateful--

**Other Pianta Policeman:** Dude, just, like, give it a rest, yo. You gotta clean up the mess, Mario-dude.

**Mario:** I like you.

**Other Pianta Policeman:** The feeling's, like, mutual, dude.

**Pianta Policeman:** Alright, shut up! Get to work!


	2. Statues, Sumo Wrestlers, and Pizza

**Mario:** "You can't miss the mess, pal. You can't miss the mess, pal!" Yeah, where is it!?

**Kid:** Eew! I dropped my ice cream cone and made a mess!

**Mario:** Is that it?

**FLUDD:** Yeah, that's right, Mario. This island is being polluted by vanilla ice cream.

**Mario:** It is?

**FLUDD:** Go get a dictionary and look up the word "sarcasm," Mario.

**Mario:** ...Oh, THAT'S the mess they were talking about. Looks like a Wonka factory gone bad.

_Mario sprays water and cleans up the mess. Another big Piranha Plant covered in goop appears._

**FLUDD:** Have any more raisins?

**Mario:** I'm working on some pizza in my overalls. Does that count? It's only a couple weeks old, though.

**FLUDD:** That would work.

_Without wasting any more time, Mario pulls a shriveled, green piece of pizza out of his overalls and chucks it into the Piranha Plant's mouth. Like the one that came before it, it dies instantly._

**Mario:** That was the last piece of food I had.

**FLUDD:** A statue is appearing!

_The Grand Pianta Statue rises up from the ground where the Piranha Plant was. A man with a beard is on top of it._

**Man with beard:** Wilson! I'm sorry, Wilson!

**Mario:** Now I've seen everything.

_Shadow Mario, on top of the statue, kicks the bearded man off and looks at Peach, who is standing nearby. He hops off and lands in a complete split on the ground. Rigid as the statue he was just on, he makes his way over to Peach, grabs her, and waddles off. Mario walks normally alongside Shadow Mario._

**Mario:** What do you think you're doing?

**Shadow Mario:** Making a getaway! Go away!

_Mario continues to walk alongside Shadow Mario for awhile before kicking him and taking Peach back. Shadow Mario recovers and dashes to Bianco Square and paints something on the Grand Pianta Statue. When Mario approaches, he turns and paints "kick me" on the plumber's shirt, then hops into the graffiti. Mario attempts to hop in as well._

**Mario:** A one and a two and a three!

_SPLAT! Mario sticks to the graffiti and flails uselessly. After awhile, he falls off. He is completely rainbow-colored._

**FLUDD:** Perhaps you should have sprayed it with water first, rocket scientist.

**Mario:** How was I supposed to know!? Shadow Mario did it perfectly!

_Mario sprays it with water and hops inside. When he lands, he is in a different place._

**Mario:** I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

**FLUDD:** You appear to be in Bianco Hills.

**Mario:** _singing_ Bianco Hills! That's where I want tuh bay!

**FLUDD:** Perhaps you should shut up and save the world like you're supposed to.

**Mario:** Don't spoil the moment, FLUDD. Fine. Where do I go?

**FLUDD:** The name of this episode is "Road to the big windmill."

**Mario:** Well, how was I supposed to know that?

**FLUDD:** It was right in front of the screen, you moron.

**Mario:** What screen!? What buttons? What are you talking about!?

_The word "about" echoes over and over again. Several Pianta heads turn in his direction. Even FLUDD recoils in his own mechanical way. Mario is very red-faced._

**FLUDD:** ...Follow the path down to the windmill.

**Mario:** You sure, scrappy?

**FLUDD:** Positive. Uh...analysis verifies that.

_Mario, still huffing and puffing, marches off down the path, glancing menacingly up at FLUDD every so often. He finally arrives at, what do you know, another Piranha Plant._

**Mario:** Oh, please. How many more of these do I have to go through?

**Writer:** Three more.

**Mario:** Hey, you're the writer. Can't you change what I'm fighting?

**Writer:** Sorry. It was in the game.

**Mario:** This isn't the game, is it? Change it!

**Writer:** Fine. Ninja master?

**Mario:** No.

**Writer:** Wooden soldier?

**Mario:** No.

**Writer:** Giant cockroach from Men in Black?

**Mario:** Heck, no.

**Writer:** Sumo wrestler?

**Mario:** Now that's more like it!

_In a poof of green smoke--_

**Mario:** Purple smoke. Make it purple smoke.

**Writer:** Hey, buddy, you're lucky I changed the boss for you. I'm not changing the color of the smoke.

_In a poof of green smoke, the Piranha Plant vanishes to reveal a 500-pound mass of Japanese fat and girth with a small ponytail staring back at Mario._

**Sumo Wrestler:** Hai!

**Mario:** I'm going to enjoy this.

_The Sumo Wrestler lifts one leg in the air, then slams it back down to the ground threateningly. Mario walks up, but is pushed back twenty feet by the large foe._

**Sumo Wrestler:** Hai!

**Mario:** At least this is better than that boring Piranha Plant.

_Mario walks unsteadily back up to the sumo wrestler. He ducks under the second push, then pushes the sumo wrestler down the hill. It rolls like a ball down the slope and bonks into a tree. The Shine Sprite appears where Mario is._

**Mario:** Yay! My second Shine Sprite!

**FLUDD:** Now there are only 118 chapters left to this story. So sad.

**Mario:** WHAT!? I can't do--

**FLUDD:** I was joking. Even machines have a sense of humor.

**Mario:** I've picked that up by now. Let's just do all the important parts to the story, shall we?


	3. Petey Piranha, Terriers, and Marbles

**FLUDD:** Go back into Bianco Hills.

**Mario:** Why?

**FLUDD:** Because there's another Shine Sprite there.

**Mario:** WHAT!? I have to go back there again!?

**FLUDD:** It's either that or face another giant piranha plant to gain entry to Ricco Harbor.

**Mario:** It appears you be right. Let's go back.

_Mario turns around and jumps back into the splotch of graffiti and teleports back to Bianco Hills. He lands on top of a small Yorkshire Terrier, belly first. A young girl looks up with tears in her eyes._

**Girl:** You...you killed Sammie!

**Mario:** Killed who?

**FLUDD:** Look beneath you, Mario.

**Mario:** Oh. Oh, gosh! Well, I'm sure it's not dead, it's just--

**Girl:** YOU KILLED SAMMIE! YOU KILLED SAMMIE! MURDERER! COLD-BLOODED KILLER! INHUMAN BEAST!

_By this time, every head in Bianco Hills has turned to Mario and the Pianta girl, watching her yell at him. Mario is feeling very sheepish, especially when everybody around him starts booing him._

**Pianta:** Get outta town, you creep!

**Second Pianta:** Yeah, you cold-blooded murderer! Why'd you do that to her dog, anyway?

**Third Pianta:** Men like you oughta be locked up!

**Mario:** SHUT UUUUUUUUP!!

_There is silence for a moment in Bianco Hills._

**Mario:** I did not kill her stupid dog! It was sitting there when I warped here! You know what?

_Mario turns around and kicks the dog. It flies over the fence and slowly falls into the ocean below._

**Mario:** There! It's done!

**FLUDD:** Mario...

**Mario:** What?

**FLUDD:** Look over there.

_A van with the name "Animal Abuse Prevention Team" on it drives up. Piantas pile out of it, preparing to lock Mario up for being cruel to the dog._

**Mario:** Hey, look, dogs can swim, right? So it isn't THAT bad.

**FLUDD:** Have you ever owned a dog, Mario?

**Mario:** Once, but I accidentally mistook it for a rag and drowned it in a bucket.

**FLUDD:** Then you have no right to be talking. You are a lousy pet-owner, admit it. Even lousy to pets that aren't yours.

**Mario:** Shut up, FLUDD! Let's just get out of here!

--

**Mario:** Whoa...what is that thing on top of the windmill?

**FLUDD:** That is the next big beastie you are to take care of.

**Mario:** Uh-uh.

**FLUDD:** What?

**Mario:** I said uh-uh. No way.

**FLUDD:** You're supposed to. Get up there.

**Mario:** FLUDD, that thing is about nine times my size and has a mouth bigger than the rest of its body. You want a hero, get Superman. And he's not real.

**FLUDD:** In the same sense, you're not real, either.

**Mario:** Fair enough. I'll go, but reluctantly.

_Mario arrives on top of the windmill and faces Petey Piranha. The giant piranha plant shrieks._

**Woman:** Dirty mouth? Clean it up with Orbit!

_Petey Piranha chews on a piece of gum and grins a toothy grin. His teeth dazzle. The dazzle reflects off of several mirrors going down to the town. The light shines onto a Pianta carrying a basket of apples and blinds him. The man yelps and tosses the basket into the air. The apples bonk a Pianta woman, who angrily tosses the nearest Pianta clean through the windmill Mario is standing on. The floor beneath Mario's feet cracks and shatters. Mario and Petey Piranha fall down into the windmill._

**Mario:** If I wasn't in a video game, that would have broken some bones.

**FLUDD:** Correction: It would have killed you. Now stop jabbering and concentrate on the thing that's trying to kill you now.

_Petey Piranha opens its mouth wide and regurgitates goop. Among the goop is a yellow sack._

**Mario:** My bag of cat-eye marbles! I wondered where those things had gone!

_A cowboy hat also comes tumbling out of Petey Piranha's mouth._

**Mario:** And my play cowboy hat!

_A teddy bear also comes out._

**Mario:** And my, uh, Hug Bug Teddy Bear from many years ago.

_And a digital watch._

**Mario:** Have you been stalking me?

_Petey Piranha opens its mouth again. Mario decides to spray water from FLUDD. Petey Piranha gets filled up with water and falls backwards. Mario graps a fistful of goop on the ground._

**Mario:** Have you tasted your own slop?

_Mario dumps some of the goop in. Petey Piranha shrieks painfully._

**Mario:** Apparently not.

_Petey Piranha sits back up and knocks Mario to the side with a swing of the head._

**Mario:** Oh, that's the way you wanna play, then?

_Mario grabs the bag of marbles and beats Petey Piranha repeatedly with it. The piranha plant goes down, and Mario continues to whale away on its head._

**FLUDD:** Mario?

**Mario:** What?

**FLUDD:** I think that's enough.

**Mario:** _Still hitting Petey Piranha_ What's enough?

**FLUDD:** What you're doing.

**Mario:** What do you mean?

**FLUDD:** Did it ever occur to you that Petey Piranha, at this point, might be dead?

**Mario:** Oh.

_Petey Piranha's still body turns into goop and melts. The Shine Sprite appears where Petey Piranha once was._

**Mario:** Hey, it's my third Shine Sprite! How many do I have left, FLUDD?

**FLUDD:** Do you honestly want to know?

**Mario:** That's why I asked.

**FLUDD:** You have 117 Shine Sprites left.

**Mario:** WHAT!?

**FLUDD:** You don't need all of them to challenge Shadow Mario.

**Mario:** Oh. That's good.

**FLUDD:** You do, however, need a hefty number of them.

**Mario:** I knew that was coming. Let's just work on the one I have.


	4. Caves, Bugs, and Secrets

**Mario:** I suppose there's another Shine Sprite in Bianco Hills?

**FLUDD:** You suppose correctly. Now get back in there before you have to face another goop-dripping piranha plant.

_Mario jumps back into the Bianco Hills graffiti and lands with his hands in front of him in case there is another dog beneath him. He stands up and looks around._

**Pianta:** Hey...buddy. You ever heard of the Hillside Cave?

**Mario:** Hey...buddy...no.

**Pianta:** In the lake area, there's a cave with secrets inside it. Nobody knows what they are.

**Mario:** How does someone know there are secrets inside it if nobody's been inside it?

**Pianta:** Because somebody could guess there were secrets, or maybe secretly find the secrets in the secret Hillside Cave.

**Mario:** Or maybe you're keeping a secret from me.

**Pianta:** Secretly, I would say yes.

**Mario:** And if you do not tell me your secrets, I will secretly dump you in a garbage can.

**Pianta:** My secrets have been secretly kept secret for many years as I live in secret. I would not tell you my secrets, secretly or out in the open.

**FLUDD:** Not to ruin the party, but a), I have no idea what either of you are saying, and b), we need to find the Hillside Cave.

**Mario:** Let's get out of here in secret.

**FLUDD:** Shut up, Mario.

_They walk away and arrive at the lake area. Mario looks around._

**Mario:** Where's the Hillside Cave?

**FLUDD:** Probably on the side of a hill.

**Mario:** Good point. How are we supposed to get to it?

**FLUDD:** Use your imagination.

**Mario:** I imagine for there to be a flashing, neon sign telling me where to go and a bridge leading me there.

**FLUDD:** That's not what I meant, you moron.

**Mario:** Jeez laweez! Look at the size of that bug!

_Mario points to a water strider on the surface of the lake. It is Mario's size._

**FLUDD:** Oh my. I've heard those things are poisonous.

**Mario:** AAAAGH!

**FLUDD:** And they love to eat little pasta-loving plumbers.

**Mario:** I swear, I've cut down on the meatballs!

**FLUDD:** They also really hate the color red...

**Mario:** You know what, FLUDD? I think you're lying to me.

**FLUDD:** Mario, what does "F.L.U.D.D." stand for?

**Mario:** A Fake, Lying, Unuseful Dumb Dud...

**FLUDD:** You must get used to this if you are to use me successfully. ...Seriously, though, I hear those things actually are poisonous.

**Mario:** Yeah, right. I'm gonna go pet it.

_Mario walks up to the huge bug, which skitters up to him. Before he can pet it, it lunges onto him and starts biting at him._

**Mario:** FLUDD! Help me!

**FLUDD:** I cannot spray water without direct use of my pump.

**Mario:** Who cares about spraying water! Do something!

**FLUDD:** Bug...stop biting at his belly.

_To Mario's surprise, the bug backs off._

**FLUDD:** Go for the neck. It's much more tender and nutritious.

_Mario shrieks again as the bug darts at him. Mario rolls backwards and jumps on top of it. He only hurts himself more._

**Mario:** I could kill these things in Super Mario 64!

**FLUDD:** This isn't Super Mario 64. They are invincible in this game.

**Mario:** Nothing is invincible! There's got to be a weak point somewhere.

**FLUDD:** Mario, I would concentrate on finding the Hillside Cave.

**Mario: **What if there are a million more bugs in there!

**FLUDD: **It's a risk you'll have to take.

**Mario: **Fine! I'll swim over there!

**FLUDD: **...I hear there are leeches in the water.

**Mario: **Stop it!

_Later, in the Hillside Cave..._

**Mario: **That thing didn't tear my shirt, did it?

**FLUDD: **Nope. It did, however, tear a button off of your overalls. No offense, but you look like a sissy.

**Mario: **Oh, sure, "no offense." I'll get a new one back in Delfino Plaza! Let's go inside the cave!

_Mario wanders into the Hillside Cave. As he falls, FLUDD is suddenly torn from his back as Shadow Mario races by. He waves bye to Mario, then disappears as Mario arrives at the bottom himself..._

**Mario: **Nooooo! My only source of company! How am I supposed to save myself from ten billion mile pits now! ...Why does this place look so weird? There are blocks, and colors, and 2D trains racing on colorful 2D tracks...

**John Lennon:** _[singing]_ Picture yourself on a train on a station...

**Mario: **Hey, look! There's the Shine Sprite!

_The camera changes to look at the Shine Sprite, then zooms out quickly and goes over the obstacles. Mario's jaw hits the floor._

**Mario: **Without FLUDD, I feel so vulnerable...well, I'm no coward! Let's go!

_Mario dashes as fast as he can to the blocks moving back and forth. He skids to a halt as soon as he arrives nose-to-wood with the block. The wood gives him several splinters in his nostrils._

**Mario: **Oooohh, that'll leave a mark...I can't do this! I'm too used to FLUDD! I want FLUDD!

_Mario sits and cries like a helpless, pathetic grown man, waiting for FLUDD to return. After a long while of waiting, he has a bushy brown beard growing down to his chest. He is rocking back and forth on his toes, humming to himself._

**Mario: **FLUDD's not coming back. I have to get that Shine Sprite to get out of here.

_Mario hops up the moving blocks and skids to another halt as a deep pit awaits him. Only the brown blocks moving around in front of him will let him pass. Mario sits back down and cries again. After another long while, his beard has reached the floor._

**Mario:** _[through a mouth full of hair] _I have to do this. I must go through with it, FLUDD or no FLUDD. In fact, who needs FLUDD! He's a fake, lying, unuseful dumb dud, anyhow! I don't need a mobile source of misery! Let's do this!

_Mario hops across the blocks and races across the next obstacles. He passes by them all with ease. He finally arrives at the end, where the Shine Sprite is. As his face grows excited, he trips over his beard and tumbles into the pit below._

**Mario:** Nooooooo!

_WHAM!_

**Mario: **Hey, I'm in the obstacle course again! I'm invincible! Let's do that again! Wheee!

_Mario hops off again and again until he exhausts himself. He looks up and sees something forming into the air._

**Mario:** Looks like letters...hey, it says, "Game Over!" Yay! Maybe that means I've won!

**Writer: **Okay, time out, Mario.

**Mario: **Not you again!

**Writer: **Hey, I saved your butt on episode 1 of Bianco Hills. What do you think "Game Over" means?

**Mario: **It means that my game is over, and the Shine Sprite will feel sorry for me and come to me and get me out of here.

**Writer: **"Game Over," Mario, means that you have lost all your lives, and in a few seconds, your butt will be kicked out of the stage, and you will have to start this obstacle course all over again. Now, I suggest you shave and stop moaning about your situation. That's what got you your beard in the first place, and through that, your Game Over.

**Mario: **Tell me it isn't so! Please, just give me another life! I swear I won't waste it!

**Writer: **...Fine. I'll give you one more life out of sheer pity and maybe a hint of disgust. Now be careful with it.

**Mario: **Yes! I love you!

_Mario tears his beard off, yells like a maniac, then skips gleefully forward with his extra life. Unfortunately, he is facing the wrong direction, and he skips right off the edge of the stage and loses his life instantly. Mario is kicked out of the stage and arrives in Delfino Plaza with FLUDD on his back._

**FLUDD: **You lost all your lives, didn't you?

**Mario: **I swear, I didn't know I had them!

**FLUDD: **Next time, don't go leaping off of cliffs. Now get back into Bianco Hills.

_Mario glumly goes back to Bianco Hills and quickly arrives at the Hillside Cave in less than eight seconds, taking no time to pet the bugs. He hops into the cave and hangs onto FLUDD. Shadow Mario attempts to snatch it, but isn't expecting the additional weight and flies out of the vortex, completely stunned. Mario imitates Shadow Mario waving at him as he lands again._

**Mario: **Now that I have you, this should be an easy matter!

_Mario quickly and easily goes through the obstacle course and arrives at the Shine Sprite. He reaches up, grabs it, and smiles_.

**Mario:** Yes! I beat the system!

**FLUDD:** Mario, quit doing the victory dance.

**Mario:** Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Who's da man? Who got da Shine Sprite?

**FLUDD:** I really don't want to see "the running man," Mario.

**Mario:** Who got da Shine Sprite? I got da Shine Sprite!

_A blast of foam rockets from FLUDD and douses Mario. When the cloud of bubbles clears, Mario is covered head to toe in foam. Only his blinking eyes are seen._

**FLUDD:** Every time you do the victory dance, I will douse you in the secretly-installed Idiot Stopper. Now concentrate on getting the next Shine Sprite.


	5. Lily Pads, Red Coins, and Acrophobia

**Dramatic Voice:** Last time on Mario Ball Z, Mario faced off against Shadow Mario in a battle to the death....

_[shows Mario with rippling muscles and a spiky hairdo]_

**Mario:** _[charging up beam of destructive power]_ Kamehame ha!!!

_The beam shoots at Shadow Mario, who stands there gaping stupidly as the beam approaches. Nobody moves for about five minutes. Eventually, the beam hits Shadow Mario, despite the wide gap of time he had to move out of the way. He blasts eighteen planets away and dies._

**Dramatic Voice:** _voice_ _returns to normal_ Actually, he chased him around and squirted him with water. But he got a Shine Sprite, so all's good. We're now on episode 8.

**Mario:** Yay! So, that's, what, eight Shine Sprites?

**FLUDD:** Yes. Now go back into Bianco Hills.

_Mario's pupils dilate, and Carmina Burana plays as the camera slowly zooms in. He stares forward, fearing that he may lose his grip on his sanity._

**Mario:** N-no...no...it can't be true...not into the village again....

**FLUDD:** Would you let the poor Shine Sprites suffer? Get back in there before I douse you with my Idiot Stopper AGAIN.

**Mario:** I'm not being an idiot, I'm just being r--

_Mario winds up with a face full of foam._

**FLUDD:** That was just a warning shot. Now get in there.

_As Mario turns back around to enter back into the portal, he notices an entire orchestra, complete with violins, trumpets, drums, and about forty people doing the "singing" of the song._

**Mario:** ...Yes. You did your job. Now go away.

_Mario hops into the portal and arrives at Bianco Hills yet again. He sighs and marches forward again._

**Mario:** Now what's the invisible name of the mission I have to do now that only you can see?

**FLUDD:** Red Coins of the Lake. You will be going to the lake area.

**Mario:** Where those bugs are!?! How many times have those things attacked me unprovoked!?!

**FLUDD:** I believe the first time you decided to pet one.

**Mario:** Yes, and that was a friendly gesture.

**FLUDD:** Shut up, Mario.

**Mario:** Okay.

_Mario heads over to the lake area. He sploshes knee-deep into the water._

**Mario:** There are no red coins here.

**FLUDD:** Yes, there are.

**Mario:** Oh, I'm sorry. Are they invisible like everything else in the world? Is it just an illusion? Is that really a lake I'm standing in? Or am I just going insane?

**FLUDD:** First of all, you're already insane, so it's impossible for you to go insane. And secondly, no, you're not standing in the lake, you're standing in the one part of the surrounding water that happens to be half mud, half quicksand.

_Mario looks down and shrieks as he realizes that he is now chest-deep into the mud._

**FLUDD:** And on closer inspection, there appears to be a bit of piranha plant dung in there as well.

**Mario:** Does it never end!?!

**FLUDD:** A bug is coming this way.

**Mario:** Genius. Get me out of here, FLUDD!

**FLUDD:** There is nothing I can do without your direct assistance. I recommend using the Squirt Nozzle.

_Mario nods gratefully and sprays as hard as he can. What he doesn't remember is that FLUDD stands for Fake, Lying, Unuseful Dumb Dud, and the Squirt Nozzle's recoil has just sunk Mario chin-deep into the mud._

**Mario:** FLUDD...not funny....

**FLUDD:** On the contrary, it was very funny. A half-dead mentally retarded snail could have decided that the Hover Nozzle was a better option.

_Mario uses the Hover Nozzle and blasts out of the hole. However, mud, quicksand, and piranha plant dung flies everywhere, which includes him. Mario stands, shocked, for a few seconds, the wipes the mud from his eyes._

**FLUDD:** You still need to take care of the bug problem.

**Mario:** Forget the bug! Where the heck are the stinkin' red coins!?!

**FLUDD:** Look up.

_Mario looks up, and the camera zooms out to see about a dozen platforms and ropes sticking up out of the water and connecting to each other. Mario's jaws hits the ground--which happens to be back in the mud, and now his jaw is sinking._

**Mario:** Gah meh ouh, FLUHH!

**FLUDD:** First into the mud....

_Mario's mouth quickly becomes filled with mud._

**FLUDD:** And then the deadly quicksand....

_Mario's mouth quickly becomes filled with the quicksand-like sludge._

**FLUDD:** And then, the finally layer...the piranha plant dung heap....

_You get the picture. Finally, Mario uses his Hover Nozzle and propels himself back up. He spits repeatedly and dives into the water to clean himself off. He is then assaulted by the bug, which takes another twenty minutes to handle._

_So, twenty minutes later...._

**FLUDD:** Mario....

**Mario:** ...........................

**FLUDD:** Mario, you need to get going.

**Mario:** .................................

**FLUDD:** Mario!!

**Mario:** Fine!! How do I get up there?

**FLUDD:** Use my Rocket Nozzle. See that collection of platforms in the water over there? Go over to them. The red box on top has what you're looking for.

_Mario swims over and hovers up to the red box._

**Mario:** Okay, what's going on?

**FLUDD:** What do you mean?

**Mario:** What's going to jump out at me if I open this up? Or explode? Or is an anvil going to fall on me? Or maybe am I going to see a sculpture of Harpo Marx's Gookie face?

**FLUDD:** You are paranoid, Mario. Stop being a baby and open it up.

**Mario:** There's a reason I'm paranoid, you know. Maybe it's because of all the stupid LIES YOU'VE PULLED ON ME!!

**FLUDD:** Relax, Mario. Anybody could see through my lies.

**Mario:** You know what? I'm going to open it up with you. I'm going to stand at a distance and open it up.

**FLUDD:** Fine by me.

_Mario takes FLUDD off and backs up, holding FLUDD out by his nozzle. He brings FLUDD up and prepares to hit the box with him. Unfortunatley, Mario is too close to the edge and falls off. FLUDD lands safe on the platform, hits the box, and reveals the Rocket Nozzle. Mario lands in the water._

**FLUDD:** And what did I tell you?

**Mario:** _breathing between clenched teeth_ I...hate...you...FLUDD....

**FLUDD:** Yes, but you need me. Now you'll have to find a way up here by yourself.

_Forty-five minutes later...._

**Mario:** Okay, okay, now I think I've got it. If I catapult myself upward using this stick, I should sail right onto the platforms!

_Mario runs forward happily, then thrusts the big stick downward, expecting to go soaring. He doesn't. Due to eating too many meatballs, the stick snaps before he even jumps, and he flies into the water._

_Attempt number 42:_

**Mario:** Wait! I've got it now, FLUDD! I'll just stand on this tree and do one of my super jumps over to you.

**FLUDD:** _with resigned amusement_ Give it your best shot.

_Mario climbs up a nearby tree, then runs forward and spin jumps over. He arrives just shy of the platforms, whacks his head on the edge, and falls into the water._

_Attempt number 56:_

**Mario:** You're gonna think differently about me now, FLUDD. I'm just the smartest man alive. Watch this. All I have to do is make a Pianta angry, and she'll do the rest!

_Mario walks up to a nearby Pianta woman smugly._

**Mario:** Hey, is that your breath, or did you just eat a garbage truck? And a little bluebird told me you're pregnant. ...Or is that your stomach? And I also--

_The Pianta gets angry, as he expected. She whacks Mario into the ground, with only his hat showing above the cracked earth._

_Attempt number 68:_

**Mario:** I think...I have finally...got it...I'll let the bees nearby sting me, which will make me jump high enough to reach it....

_It doesn't work._

_Final attempt:_

**Mario:** Maybe...I'll use my crutches...and--

**FLUDD:** Mario, I can't take it anymore. Wall jump off of the wall behind me.

_Mario notices the wall behind FLUDD. Dropping his crutches, he limps over, swims across, gets attacked by yet another bug, nearly drowns, makes it to the other side, and wall kicks off the wall. He sprains his ankle doing so, of course, and lands, screaming in pain, in front of FLUDD._

**FLUDD:** All because you didn't listen to me. It would have gone much easier for you if you had opened the box, even if there was a furious Bob-Omb inside.

**Mario:** Save it, FLUDD...I don't wanna hear it....

_Mario gets FLUDD again, grabs the Rocket Nozzle, and straightens up, brushing off all his injuries._

**Mario:** Alright, let's test this baby. Aaaaand three...two...one....

_Mario's lips are left behind as he goes soaring upwards into the sky. Once his lips come back up to him, he shouts:_

**Mario:** I'm flying! Yeah! I'm a biiiird! I'm a plane! I'm a--

_What goes up must come down, so Mario sinks again. And lands onto the platforms. Hard._

**Mario:** _raising his face from the Mario-shaped print on the platforms_ I seem to be one big ache today....

**FLUDD:** What an idiot. Of all the people that had to find me, you did. Why not somebody with some smarts?

**Mario:** And somebody with some luck. Let's try again, now that I know what to expect.

_Mario blasts off again and maneuvers himself around. He falls down toward a rope. He lands on top of it expertly, not losing any of his balance, walking like a tightrope master. Or so the game would have you believe. In reality, something much worse happens._

**Mario:** No! No! Not the rope!

_Mario lands onto it, crotch first. Mario is silent, his expression of the most supreme, incredible, unimaginable, unbearable pain the only visible clue as to his misery._

**FLUDD:** Um...ouch....

**Mario:** Eeeeeeee....

_To make matters worse, an electric ball comes down the rope, heading straight for Mario. The Jaws music starts to play._

**FLUDD:** Get up, Mario! Hurry!

**Mario:** I...can't...pain...incredible....

**FLUDD:** Come on, Mario! It's almost here! And the water in my tanks will only make it hurt more if it gets us!

_Mario slowly pushes himself up, then flips over the electric ball in slow motion. He lands on the rope HANDS first this time. The ball turns around and starts following him again._

**Mario:** Crud! Give me a break!

_Mario scuttles along as quickly as he can until he makes it to a platform. Afraid of the electric ball, he blasts up to a higher platform._

**Mario:** Phew...we're safe now...say, where are we?

**FLUDD:** Approximately twelve stories above the lake.

_Music suddenly plays, the sort of music that plays when a detective suddenly discovers a dead body in a bath tub in an old, black-and-white movie. Mario gulps, then hyperventilates, grabbing onto the edges of the platform and gripping them so tightly he starts to tear wood off._

**FLUDD:** Relax, Mario. There's water below us.

_No response._

**FLUDD:** Breathe, Mario.

**Mario:** EE-huh-EE-huh-EE-huh....

**FLUDD:** You are the biggest, strangest, and possibly most frustrating person alive. You will leap over fiery pits of lava. You will go into dungeons where no one else has gone into. You will jump over evil Koopas, land expertly BESIDE an axe so you don't impale yourself, and then chop the bridge off to send the monster to his doom. And yet, here we are, perfectly safe, above water. What are you afraid of?

**Mario:** Heh....

**FLUDD:** What?

**Mario:** Heh-ee....

**FLUDD:** Spit it out.

**Mario:** Heights. It's not that I'm scared of heights normally...it's my imagination telling me what might happen at such an altitude what with my luck being the way it is now.

**FLUDD:** Tough noogies, Mario. The red coins are even higher up.

**Mario:** DON'T SAY THAT! I can't do this mission! Get somebody who's luckier than I! Someone who bugs favor! _looks back at the ropes_ And possibly female.

**FLUDD:** Get over it. I want you to stand up and shout, "I am not afraid of heights, and I am the bravest man alive." Go on, say it.

**Mario:** No.

**FLUDD:** You'll feel better.

**Mario:** Okay...fine. I AM NOT AFRAID OF HEIGHTS, AND I AM THE BRAVEST MAN ALIVE!!

**Pianta Twelve Stories Down:** Shut up, you retard!!

**Mario:** FLUDD....

**FLUDD:** What does my name stand for, Mario?

**Mario:** Fine!! I'll just get the stupid red coins!

_Mario goes around and gets most of the red coins. The last one is down below in the water. It's above a giant lily pad._

**Mario:** Right. It's simple. I can do this. JUMP!!

_Mario jumps down and plummets for a good ten seconds before landing in the lily pad. Notice I said IN, not ON. Due to the speed and height of Mario's fall, he crashes into the lily pad, which wraps around him like the wet leaf it is. He screams and kicks, trying to get the leaf off before he drowns. FLUDD uses his Idiot-Stopper under the water to make Mario stop flailing. Mario, now able to concentrate a bit better, tears a hole through the lily pad and swims up for air. The lily pad is now stuck around him like a tutu._

**FLUDD:** Mario, you keep saying you are unlucky, but you are actually one of the luckiest men alive right now.

**Mario:** Tell me about it. I almost drowned.

**FLUDD:** No. You are lucky I do not have the ability to laugh. Otherwise, I'd have suffocated and died right now.

**Mario:** I'm starting to wish you would. I'll fix it later, okay!?!

**Pianta:** Hey, who's the guy in the tutu?

**Mario:** Shut up!!!

_Mario grabs the last red coin, and a Shine Sprite appears. He blasts up using the Rocket Nozzle and grabs it._

**FLUDD:** That's right. Big, tough guy Mario, defeating the evil Bowser in a tutu.

**Mario:** This is not my day.


	6. Gooper Blooper, Construction, and Ink

**Mario:** Let me guess: Stupid Bianco Hills again.

**FLUDD:** No. Ricco Harbor.

**Mario:** No kidding! How do I get there?

**FLUDD:** Giant, goopy piranha plant.

**Mario:** Can I go back into Bianco Hills?

**FLUDD:** Ha ha. No. You're going to Ricco Harbor.

**Random Pianta:** It's your fault that the Shine Sprites left and it got all dark!

**Mario:** Why?

**Random Pianta:** I dunno, I just felt like saying that.

**Mario:** And if I just felt like punching you in your big, fat, giant-nosed face, would that be justified?

**Random Pianta:** _[pulling off his shirt]_ Oh, you wanna go, then?

**Mario:** Bring it on, Lardy!

**FLUDD:** That would not be such a wise decision, Mario.

**Mario:** What's not wise is him thinking he can just insult me!

_Mario pulls off his red shirt, cap, and FLUDD and flexes his nonexistent muscles. He runs up and jabs the Pianta in the belly several times, shouting war cries. The Pianta flattens Mario into the ground._

**Ground-Flattened Pianta:** Hey, buddy. Nice to see you here.

**Mario:** Who are you?

**Ground-Flattened Pianta:** I'm John Pianta. I challenged him a few days ago.

**Mario:** And you've been stuck in the ground for that long?

**John Pianta:** It's nice to have some company.

**FLUDD:** I told you it was not such a nice idea, Mario.

**John Pianta:** The dude's the eight-year wrestling champion of Isle Delfino. I heard he put his mother in the hospital just by hugging her.

**Mario:** Why doesn't anybody tell me these things!?! Shut up, FLUDD. I know what you're going to say, and I don't wanna hear it. Just get me out of here.

_After a thirty minute struggle, Mario pulls himself free, puts his clothes back on, and walks without a word to the goopy piranha plant._

**Piranha Plant:** BLAAARGH!!!

**Mario:** Shut up.

**Piranha Plant:** Erg?

**Mario:** How can you stand being here, hour after hour, doing nothing? Isn't it boring?

**Piranha Plant:** Herg....

**Mario:** What's the point, anyway? All I have to do is spray water in your mouth or throw some old, rotten food in the hatch. Why don't you just go home?

_The piranha plant looks thoughtful, then shrivels up and goes away. Mario looks behind him at FLUDD, smirking._

**Mario:** I'm not as dumb as you think I am, am I?

**FLUDD:** Smart decisions: One point. Dumb decisions: A hundred and eighty-three.

**Mario:** Yeah, yeah, whatever. Let's go to Ricco Harbor.

_Mario walks up to the portal and looks at it._

**Mario:** What would happen if I stuck half my body in there?

**FLUDD:** A hundred and eighty-four.

**Mario:** What?

**FLUDD:** Never mind.

_Mario pauses, then sticks his hand in the portal. On the other side, a Pianta does a double-take as a disembodied hand taps him on the shoulder. Mario pulls his hand back, grinning._

**Mario:** Is this sweet, or what?

**FLUDD:** Mario, there's something you should know....

**Mario:** I'm going to stick my body in now!

_On the other side again, the same Pianta widens his eyes as half of a plumber greets him._

**Mario:** Hey! How ya doin', buddy!?!

**Pianta:** I am never eating so much pizza again.

_Back where Mario's other half is, the two Pianta policemen are standing over him, disapproving. FLUDD uses his Idiot Stopper._

**Mario:** YOW, that feels uncomfortable! I'm gonna have a hard time getting that out of my pants!

**Pianta:** You have pants?

_A hand pulls Mario back out by his hair. He lands in front of the cops, upside-down in his vision._

**Cop #1:** Having fun, slacker?

**Cop #2:** Goofing off while the island gets more and more polluted?

**Mario:** What do you mean?

_On the other side...._

**Pianta:** _[turning to the Pianta next to him]_ And I suppose you're not real, either.

**Second Pianta:** Huh?

_In Delfino Plaza...._

**Mario:** Come on! I was just about to go in there! It was just a moment of fun! Or is that illegal on this island?

**Cop #2:** That's no excuse for slacking off, slacker!

**Mario:** Quit with the 'slacker' already! Like I haven't seen the two of you, standing around, doing nothing, eating doughnuts and getting fatter than you already are!

_The second cop's eyes widen, and he kicks Mario through the portal at mach 8 speed. On the other side...._

**Second Pianta:** I knew you were nuts the moment the whole football incident happened.

**Pianta:** I'm telling you, there was a guy, big mustache, red cap--

**Mario:** --AAAAAAHH!!!

_The living missile bashes into the Pianta and knocks him over. The plumber now has a big, red shoeprint on his face._

**Second Pianta:** That guy?

**Pianta:** Yes, that guy.

**Mario:** What're you all looking at?

**Second Pianta:** You.

**Pianta:** See? I told you I'm not crazy!

**Second Pianta:** Just because a screaming guy with a shoeprint on his face crashes into you from nowhere doesn't mean you're not crazy. ...Did I just say that?

**Pianta:** Yeah, you did.

**Mario:** Enough about me already! Is this Ricco Harbor?

**Pianta:** Yup. Beautiful city of construction, giant Bloopers, and slimy ink coating everything.

**Mario:** Giant Bloopers? How soon can we get out of here, FLUDD?

**FLUDD:** Don't tell me you're afraid of a big squid.

**Pianta:** Alright, I KNOW that machine talked.

**Second Pianta:** We don't know for certain, but there's a giant tentacle hanging out from a collection of boxes. Looks just like a Blooper's tentacle.

**Mario:** IT'S THE KRAKEN!!!!!!

_Silence for about ten seconds._

**Mario:** ...Sorry. I felt like I had to be dramatic. Thank you! I'm off to get killed!

_Mario receives another face-full of bubbles and foam. He stamps his foot on the ground angrily, then runs across a boat to get to the giant Blooper._

**Mario:** Nice. A dead end in front of a wall.

**FLUDD:** Duck, Mario.

**Mario:** What duck?

_A thick, steel bar whacks Mario on the forehead and knocks him down._

**Pianta Worker:** Sorry! We're building a tower!

**Mario:** You could be a bit more observant, you know!

**FLUDD:** Says the guy who's about to be flattened by a steamroller.

_Sure enough, behind Mario is a giant steamroller, headed right for him. He shrieks like a four-year-old girl, then dives out of the way. Only to be picked up by a crane and accidentally dumped in the way of a bulldozer. He gets smashed and flies into a pile of bricks. When he stands back up, the same Pianta worker knocks him in the head with the steel object._

**Pianta Worker:** Sorry! We're building a tower!

**Mario:** I'm dreaming. This isn't really happening. Not to me.

**FLUDD:** Is my Idiot Stopper also part of your dream?

**Mario:** Okay! I'm not dreaming! How am I supposed to get up there?

**FLUDD:** Through the sewers.

**Mario:** Ooo, sounds like James Bond! Look out, here comes double-O 18-and-three-quarters!

_The Bond music plays as Mario gets a tuxedo from nowhere and walks above the manhole. He pulls out a PP7 from nowhere and fires off into the distance. A few seconds pass, then he ducks as his fire is returned by twenty machine guns and a bazooka. He climbs down into the sewer and lands on top of what appears to be a miniature Ferris wheel. He has landed right in a mouse carnival. Hundreds of mice, as far as the eye can see._

**Mario:** I assure you, Bond never wound up in this situation.

**FLUDD:** Bond was a little bit smarter than you are.

**Mario:** And how did I know that was coming?

_Mario steps carefully out of the Carnival for Mice and walks slowly through the sewers. He rips off his tuxedo and looks up. He passes by several manholes._

**Mario:** Which one do I go up?

**FLUDD:** The last one.

_Mario reaches the end, then looks up. He prepares to jump out. (You know what's coming, don't you?) He prepares a big jump, then leaps up. He bangs his head and falls back down, unconscious._

_About an hour later, Mario wakes up._

**FLUDD:** Would it kill you to act normal and climb up?

_Mario mumbles something mean about FLUDD, which FLUDD hears and responds using his Idiot Stopper. He climbs out of the manhole and runs over to the boxes._

**Mario:** Mah goodness, that is one darn big tentacle. You know what? I haven't seen Peach in a bit, let me go back and check if she's okay.

**FLUDD:** Mario? Two words. Here's a hint: It's a secretly-installed function I use quite often these days.

**Mario:** Come on, FLUDD! Look at the size of that thing!

**FLUDD:** That never stops you with Bowser.

**Mario:** There's a difference. He's an overconfident guy who's lost more battles than the number of ants in the world, plus he has a ridiculous hovercraft that doesn't scare anyone. _[Mario thinks about the Koopa Clown Car and frowns.]_ Okay, it's a little creepy. But this is different!

**FLUDD:** Pull on the tentacle.

**Mario:** Fine.

_Mario grabs the tentacle and gives it a good yank. Something that sounds like flatulence mixed with giggling is heard from inside the boxes. Mario turns and looks at the camera. Gooper Blooper breaks out of the boxes and lands in front of Mario._

**Mario:** See? I told you. I told you. This thing will kill me.

**FLUDD:** Pull its tentacles off, then spray the ink off its face and smack its lips back by pulling on them and releasing.

**Mario:** That's cruel!

_Mario is then covered head to toe in ink. He glares at the giant Blooper._

**Mario:** What else do you want me to tear off? 'Cause I'll tear it off!

_Filled with a vengeance, Mario rips all the tentacles off and smacks the Blooper with its own lips in under five seconds. When it sprays more ink, he washes it all off, then sticks FLUDD's nozzle into its mouth and fills it up like a perfectly-round balloon with water. It floats away. Mario waves bye to it as the Shine Sprite appears._

**Mario:** Now there's a business idea: Inflatable Bloopers.

**FLUDD:** Just grab the stupid Shine Sprite, Mario.


	7. Blooper Riding, Magnets, and Frustration

AUTHOR'S NOTE: What? Another chapter so soon from that slacker AllHailMario? I'm going to make an attempt to do at least two chapters to any of my stories a week. So hopefully, updates should come sooner.

--

**Narrator:** _[using a cheesy, narrative voice]_ This is the amazing, talented, (*cough* underpaid *cough*) Blooper Mario Sunshine Narrator. We now skip ahead several episodes to save you loads and loads of boring time. In episode 2 of Ricco Harbor:

**Pianta:** Come on! Just hop onto a Blooper and surf through the obstacle course!

**Mario:** I thought I'd already mentioned that they hate me!

**Pianta:** You just need to show them a bit of love!

**Mario:** I did that before! It didn't work!

**Pianta:** Come on, just try it!

**Mario:** Why do you think my pants are all stained!?!

**Narrator:** And after going through furious Bloopers....

**Mario:** Just get me a Blooper that likes me!

**Narrator:** ...Dangerous obstacles....

**Mario:** Aah! Watch out for the swinging scythe!

**Narrator:** ...And stupid Piantas....

**Pianta:** Huh? Huh? Was that obstacle course fun or what?

**Mario:** I almost died, you moron!

**Narrator:** ...He arrived at the less-inviting episode 3....

**Mario:** You've got to be kidding me.

**FLUDD:** Come on, Mario. All you have to do is hang onto the crane, swing from pole to pole, climb up the railing eighty feet off the surface of the water with the flesh-eating fish down below, bounce from trampoline to unstable trampoline, shatter your coccyx on impact down at the bottom of the big cage, and grab the Shine Sprite.

**Mario:** You're not helping, FLUDD!

**Narrator:** But luckily, he only broke three bones on the trip up, none of them his coccyx. And after three comes four, unless you honestly can't count....

**Mario:** Not another "secret!"

**FLUDD:** Relax. You only lost eighteen lives and three Game Overs on the last one.

**Mario:** I'm more frightened of the Pianta carrying the steel rods....

**Narrator:** After setting a new personal record of twenty-three lives lost at one time, he had to complete episode 5, which involved defeating Gooper Blooper again....

**Mario:** Remember your time as a balloon, Gooper?

**Narrator:** There was no skill there. Gooper Blooper hopped off the edge of the helipad and defeated itself. Which leaves us on episode 6, where you get to witness Mario currently making a fool of himself...again....

**Mario:** Oh, gosh, no...not the...the....

**FLUDD:** The Bloopers?

**Mario:** I have seen enough Bloopers to last me a lifetime! Blooper enemies! Gooper Blooper! Jumping Bloopers! And worst of all, these stupid surfing Bloopers! Even look at this story's title!

**Pianta:** Pick the Blooper you like best and hop on! ...By the way, do you think I should step on that red switch over there?

**Mario:** Nope. If you do, get the red coins for yourself.

**Pianta:** I'm gonna step on it anyway!

**Mario:** You will not! You'll have to get through me first!

_Mario gets smashed down through the dock with his head stuck above the wood and his feet in the water. The Pianta marches onward._

**Mario:** All of you guys have such tempers! Why doesn't anybody like me on this island!?!

**FLUDD:** Well, according to them, you did pollute the island.

**Pianta:** He WHAT!?!

**Mario:** Uh-oh.

**Pianta:** So he's the creep that's been making my life miserable!?! He's the one that made the island dark!?!

**Mario:** Come on! I've been framed, you jerk!

**FLUDD:** That wasn't smart, Mario.

**Pianta:** Ooh, now you've done it!

_Mario's life flashes before his eyes. He sees himself scampering about in a diaper in a meadow of flowers. "Don't run too far!" yells his mother. Then he's playing Monopoly with Luigi in their dining room, demanding that Luigi doesn't buy Mushroom City and grinning when the obedient, timid little brother obeys him. Then he goes on his first date. He's a rambunctious teenager with a mullet who wears a black leather jacket. The date lasts for about an hour until Mario is presented with the "does this make me look fat" question. His answer? "No, but your body does." And then he's a plumber, glorious mustache fully-grown, given his Plunger of Membership and doing his first job. Then he's working with Luigi, coming up with a cheesy motto that nobody likes._

_And then he's looking at an angry Pianta who wants him dead._

**Mario:** FLUDD? Tell Luigi that I'm sorry I never let him buy Mushroom City!!

_The Pianta runs forward, trips on a plank, and lands, unconscious, on the dock. Mario pulls himself up out of the hole and steps on the red switch._

**FLUDD:** You have somewhere around a minute before you die.

**Mario:** OHHHHH, I am hating this!

**FLUDD:** Hop onto a Blooper and start surfing.

_Mario complies and jumps onto a green Blooper. He gets attacked, squirted with ink, and strangled until time runs out. He loses a life and gets ejected from the stage._

**Mario:** There has to be another way, because that clearly isn't working. I've got it! I'll feed them Blooper Balls!

_Five minutes later, Mario walks up to the green Blooper with a box of treats._

**Mario:** Here! Just for you, I'm going to give you a Blooper Ball!

_The Blooper eats it gratefully. Mario hops on just fine and starts surfing. He gets three red coins, then crashes into a wall._

**Mario:** Dang! Oh, well. I'll just swim back and get another one.

**Writer:** Nope.

**Mario:** Mr. Writer! I haven't heard from you since episode 3 of Bianco Hills!

**Writer:** Yes, touching reunion. But you're not swimming back for another Blooper, because you're losing a life and getting kicked out.

**Mario:** What!?! That isn't fair! Can't you do something about it?

**Writer:** No.

**Mario:** Why not!?! What if I battled another sumo wrestler? W-wait! The giant cockroach from Men in Black! I could do that!

**Writer:** Goodbye, Mario. I have to follow the rules. Besides, it's a lot funnier to watch you squirm. That's the whole point of the story, right?

_Before Mario can argue back, he winds up back in Delfino Plaza. Grumbling, he comes up with another plan._

**Mario:** What if I just swam for the red coins? Nothing wrong with that!

_Back in Ricco Harbor, Mario steps on the switch and hops into the water. He manages to get about five red coins before time runs out. A Thwomp lands on him from nowhere, making him lose a life._

**Mario:** Now I KNOW that wasn't in the game.

**Writer:** Yes, but it's funnier.

_The scene of Mario getting crushed replays over and over again. Mario's scream is heard each time._

**Mario:** I am not impressed.

**Writer:** Better get to thinking of another plan.

_Ten minutes later, Mario wanders in with a huge magnet._

**Mario:** I am such a genius! This magnet will attract the red coins and get them for me easily!

_A red coin flies to Mario. He grins. Then another red coin comes. Then a sledgehammer. And a toolbox. $2.38 worth of coins. Three paper clips. A TV set. The hook from a fishing rod--Mario screams as it flies into his leg. Then a bulldozer. A ship lands on top of him._

_Back in Delfino Plaza...._

**FLUDD:** Yes, you are such a genius, Mario.

**Mario:** What a powerful magnet. ...Oh, now I have it. This one can't fail.

**FLUDD:** You said that last time. And the time before that. And the time before that. And the time--

**Mario:** You're not helping!

_Mario wanders in with a rope. He ropes all the Bloopers together, feeds them all Blooper Balls, and steps on the switch. He rides on the one in the middle._

**Mario:** You see, FLUDD? If mine crashes into something, I can just hop onto another one!

**FLUDD:** Yes, that's all you have to do, isn't it?

_Mario gets two red coins, then attempts to go through a narrow area. Before he can shriek "Holy pasta!" at the top of his lungs, the Bloopers crash all at once. Mario is sent flying over a hundred miles per hour into the wall of a ship. A sailor mopping the ship is startled as a plumber-shaped print bashes into the side of the boat._

**FLUDD:** Mario, you annoy me.

**Mario:** And you me.

**FLUDD:** Feed a Blooper some Blooper Balls, then ride it SLOWLY--not fast and stupidly like you were, but slowly--and get all the red coins.

_Mario makes a face and silently mouths FLUDD's words. He hops back in, feeds the green Blooper, and rides, almost hoping it won't work just so he can prove FLUDD wrong. Of course, FLUDD is always right whenever he's not trying to get Mario into trouble, so the Shine Sprite appears on the dock. Pleased, Mario hops at it and snatches it. The Blooper keeps going and slams into the wall of the harbor. Mario loses a life, but he still has the Shine Sprite._

**Mario:** Please, FLUDD...when do I get out of here?

**FLUDD:** Next episode. Now what happens when you listen to me?

**Mario:** Either I accomplish my goal effortlessly or I die a humiliating death.

**FLUDD:** Good. You catch on quickly. Now go face Shadow Mario.


	8. Mirrors, Smoothies, and Apple Things

**Narrator:** Mario beat Shadow Mario yet again in episode 7 of Ricco Harbor. Much to his dismay, he had to fight another Piranha Plant in order to gain access to Gelato Beach. Despite FLUDD's protests, Mario decided to take a little rest there....

**Mario:** I've decided to take a little rest here.

**FLUDD:** That would not be a wise decision, Mario.

**Mario:** And why not?

**FLUDD:** Because I'll kill you if you do.

**Mario:** Yeah? What am I going to do, suffocate in your Idiot Stopper of Death?

_FLUDD uses his Idiot Stopper, and Mario starts to suffocate. He wipes the foam off his face and glares at FLUDD._

**FLUDD:** Yes, I will use my Idiot Stopper of Death.

**Mario:** Well, too bad! Not much you can do if I take you off, huh?

_Mario pulls FLUDD off his back and drops him in the sand._

**Mario:** Goodbye, FLUDD! Be good while I'm gone having fun!

**FLUDD:** Does he honestly think he will?

_Mario kicks his shoes off and lays down in the sand. He closes his eyes and basks in the sun. A giant wave of water crashes over him. He sputters, spits the salt water from his mouth, puts on his now very soggy shoes, and walks away._

**Mario:** Hey, what's this? A juice shop? Looks like fun!

_Mario walks inside and leans on the counter, acting cool._

**Mario:** Hey, man. Wassup? Can I have a li'il juice here?

**Pianta:** Dude, we don't accept freaks here.

**Mario:** _[rolls his eyes and becomes normal]_ How much would a smoothie cost?

**Pianta:** It'll run you ten coins for our standard smoothie.

**Mario:** That's a bit pricey. It'd better be good.

**Pianta:** Of course it is. But we have a better option. It's more expensive, but we call it the Surprise Smoothie.

**Mario:** What's so surprising about it?

**Pianta:** The price.

**Mario:** Fifty coins!?! No way!

**Pianta:** Yes way. But we highly recommend it, mostly because we get the money.

**Mario:** What's in the Surprise Smoothie?

**Pianta:** That's also part of the surprise. You wanna try it?

_Mario hesitates, then puts fifty coins on the counter._

**Mario:** Hit me.

_The Pianta punches him in the face._

**Mario:** No! You idiot! "Hit me" was slang for "give me the smoothie"!

_The Pianta shrugs, then pulls out a green smoothie._

**Pianta:** Try and guess what the flavor is.

_Mario grabs the smoothie and drinks half of it in one gulp. He couldn't be sure, but it sort of tasted like crab meat, seaweed, and coconuts. Mario drops it and clutches his throat. The smoothie glass shatters._

**Mario:** What IS that nasty stuff!?!

**Pianta:** You probably don't want to know. Now that's an extra fifteen coins.

**Mario:** Fifteen coins? For what!?!

**Pianta:** Ten coins for replacing the glass and five for messing up my floor.

**Mario:** Why don't YOU clean it up, you cheap scammer?

**Pianta:** Because I don't get the money that way.

**Mario:** _[rearing his fist back]_ You're not getting any money, but I WILL show you what you WILL get!!

_The Pianta runs out of the shop, grabbing all his bags of money and making a go for it. Mario chases him out, slinging coconuts at him. They all miss. The Pianta goes out of sight. Mario stands in the middle of the beach and shrieks in anger as loud as he can._

**FLUDD:** Well, Mario? Did you have fun?

**Mario:** Listen, buddy, YOU are not helping!

**FLUDD:** Let me get this straight: In the mere fifteen minutes you were gone, you got sand in your shoes, got drenched with water, got scammed for fifty coins, turned all heads on the beach, and overall made a fool of yourself.

**Mario:** And if you were with me, would it have made any difference?

**FLUDD:** Probably. Your shoes would be missing, you'd have gotten caught in the riptide, you'd have lost a HUNDRED coins, you'd have turned all heads on the beach AND gotten the cops to come down, and made an even bigger fool of yourself. It's surprising, just how stupid one man can be.

**Mario:** When this whole adventure is over, I am going to tear you apart and throw you into the water at the highest cliff in Noki Bay.

**Narrator:** Yes, not the prettiest day then. Mario then followed FLUDD's advice and entered yet another "secret" level.

**Mario:** The sand blocks dissolve when I step on them! I'll use my Hover Nozzle!

_Mario's Hover Nozzle instantly converts the sand into goopy mud. Mario's feet get stuck, and he falls to his death once the block had dissolved._

**Narrator:** But he got the Shine Sprite eventually. We are currently on episode 2, where Mario sees....

**Mario:** Apple-things!

**Pianta:** Those strange creatures are tilting the mirrors, and the giant Wiggler has curled up on the tower to take a nap! This could endanger the legendary Sand Bird egg!

**Mario:** Imagine the pies you could make with THOSE babies.

**FLUDD:** To get the Shine Sprite, you must defeat them all.

**Mario:** Sweet! Pianta, bring me my frying pan!

**Pianta:** I'm not doing anything! I'm just sitting back here, moaning about the Sand Bird while everybody else does the same thing, waiting for somebody else to do their jobs because work takes too much effort, like reaching into your pocket, grabbing your cell phone, and calling for help!

**Mario:** FLUDD, you wouldn't happen to have a cell phone installed, would you?

**FLUDD:** No.

**Mario:** Why does E. Gadd never install anything useful!?!

_FLUDD uses his Idiot Stopper._

**Mario:** _[through a mouthful of bubbles]_ I retht my cathe!

**FLUDD:** If you want the next Shine Sprite, you're going to have to defeat them yourself. The sooner you can get the Shine Sprites, the sooner you can get off the island, and the sooner you can supposedly dismantle me and throw me off a cliff.

**Mario:** Thoundth good. Let'th do it!

_Mario arrives at the first mirror and grabs onto the edge. It tilts down instantly._

**FLUDD:** I believe you and your scale should have a little talk.

**Mario:** And I believe you should STOP talking.

_Mario climbs on and looks at the single "apple-thing."_

**Mario:** Now what?

**FLUDD:** To defeat the enemy, pat your head, rub your belly, and say the codeword: "Blue ravioli has been shot into the sky with a bazooka."

**Mario:** Why has blue ravioli been shot into the sky with a bazooka?

**FLUDD:** That's what he says next. Then you say, "Because kittens are attacking with space guns." Then he should leave.

**Mario:** Okay.

_After a few tries, Mario pats his head, rubs his belly, and says the codeword. The creature stares at him._

**Mario:** Maybe I didn't say it loud enough. Blue ravioli has been shot into the sky with a bazooka!

_Still no response._

**Mario:** BLUE RAVIOLI HAS BEEN SHOT INTO THE SKY WITH A BAZOOKA!!

**Pianta:** What kind of a stupid lunatic would believe a fool thing like that!?!

**Mario:** Oh. This isn't the codeword, is it? In fact, it's a BIG FAT LIE.

**FLUDD:** Of course it is. To defeat it, spray it towards the edge of the mirror, then pound on the opposite side. Or just stand there. I think either would work.

**Mario:** You are very cruel, FLUDD.

**FLUDD:** I know that.

_Mario sprays the "apple-thing" to the mirror's edge, then walks to the other side._

**Mario:** Hey, Mirror's Edge! That was an interesting game!

_Sure enough, all Mario has to do is stand on the opposite side, and the creature flies by at eight million miles per hour. Grimacing, he moves on to the next mirror and prepares to do the same thing. He sprays one creature to the edge and knocks it off. The other one smartens up, kicks Mario to the edge, and pounds on the mirror. Mario soars away in the blink of an eye._

**Mario:** AAAAHH!! Help me!!

_Meanwhile, in the cockpit of an airplane...._

**Pilot:** Looks like we'll be arriving at our destination in approximately--

_A plumber suddenly splats into the plane._

**Pilot:** HOLY MOLEY!!!

**Mario:** AAAAHH! Get me off!!

_Mario uses FLUDD's Hover Nozzle, lets the plane go by, and falls down, down, down...._

**Mario:** FLUDD? Out of curiosity, just how high up are we?

**FLUDD:** Look down.

_There is Isle Delfino in all its splendor. From the height he's at, it looks no bigger than his shoe. Mario screams for a good five minutes before he gets bored of screaming._

**FLUDD:** We're about halfway there now.

**Mario:** Great. If I had a DVD player, I'd probably pop in a movie and watch it. Get halfway through it before I hit the ground.

_Five minutes later, the creature on the mirror is feeling very smug. It looks up and notices something falling. Before it can scream "GWAK!" at the top of its lungs, Mario slams into the mirror and sends the creature flying. Mario unpeels himself from the mirror, shakes his head, and stands up._

**Mario:** How far do you think that thing should fly?

**FLUDD:** At its current speed, it should make its way around the world twice before landing in the middle of an ocean.

**Mario:** We'll be hearing of some interesting events in the news, I can tell. Let's work on the last three.

_Mario goes to the last three and sprays them all towards the edge. Mario jumps on the opposite side and sends them flying. The Shine Sprite appears._

**Mario:** Well, it took a lot of pain, but I finally got my Shine Sprite.

**FLUDD:** Yes. So go get it so that we can get out of here.

**Mario:** What's after this?

**FLUDD:** Fighting the giant Wiggler.

**Mario:** Urk!


	9. Sand Birds, More Acrophobia, and Mud

**FLUDD:** Go back into Gelato Beach.

**Mario:** No way.

**FLUDD:** Do it.

**Mario:** Never.

**FLUDD:** Idiot Stopper.

**Mario:** I would prefer that to that giant Wiggler.

_Mario's face is blasted with foam constantly until he is nothing but a foamy snowman. He flails his arms and legs uselessly._

**Mario:** Okay! Okay! I'll go back in and fight it! But if I die, I'm going to kill you!

**FLUDD:** ...Never mind.

**Mario:** Never mind, what?

**FLUDD:** I was about to say something that would make you angry.

**Mario:** And you didn't say it? Thanks, FLUDD!

**FLUDD:** I was about to say, "What kind of stupid idiot would kill me after he dies? And I can't be killed anyway, which further proves his stupidity."

**Mario:** ...Well, never mind, then. Let's go, FLUDD.

_Mario arrives at Gelato Beach and sees a seventy-foot long caterpillar with the angriest expression he's seen in his life rampaging around the beach. Piantas and Nokis are running around in circles, not really going anywhere or helping._

**Noki:** I'll protect this Dune Bud!

**Mario:** How?

**Noki:** I don't know, but I'll protect it!

_The giant Wiggler runs over the Dune Bud. The only thing left of it is a microscopic part of leaf._

**Noki:** ...See, I protected it!

**FLUDD:** And I thought there was no one stupider than Mario.

**Mario:** It kind of gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling.

**FLUDD:** You're next in line.

**Mario:** I know. Now how do I defeat this Wiggler?

**FLUDD:** Why don't you find out for yourself?

**Mario:** That's a one-way ticket to death!

**FLUDD:** That's exactly my point.

**Mario:** Gee, that cliff on Noki Bay seems to be coming sooner and sooner.

**FLUDD:** You won't throw me off.

**Mario:** Oh, yes, that's right, isn't it? I'll develop some sort of bond to you during the final fight when you almost lose your life--or artificial intelligence--and then weep on your nozzle and say you'll always be my friend, right?

**FLUDD:** No, I meant I'll go all-out with my Idiot Stopper until you pass out.

**Mario:** Oh.

_Mario walks up to the giant Wiggler. The Wiggler stops and stares at him, fire coming out its nostrils._

**Mario:** Rock-a-bye baaaaby on the tree top...whennnn the wind blooows the cradle will--

_Mario gets flattened._

**Mario:** And now you see my point! What's his weak spot, FLUDD?

**FLUDD:** You need to flip him onto his back and then pound on his belly. Which will be particularly effective considering you can tilt a three hundred pound mirror just by grabbing onto the edge.

**Mario:** Why can't I just get a gun and shoot the crap out of him?

**FLUDD:** Because that would be easier.

**Mario:** And easy is bad?

**FLUDD:** No. Easy is good. Which is why you can't have it.

**Mario:** So how do I flip him over?

**FLUDD:** You have to make a Dune Bud rise under him.

**Mario:** Well, he destroyed just about every one!

**FLUDD:** There's one left.

_Mario looks to his left and sees one remaining Dune Bud. He also sees the Wiggler charging toward it. In slow motion, he runs and yells, his yell coming out deep and low because of the slow motion. He dives at the Dune Bud and sprays it. The Wiggler flips over and lands on its back. He returns to fast motion and jumps on top of it. He immediately squashes it._

**Mario:** Boy, those meatballs really come in handy.

_The Shine Sprite appears, and Mario gets it. He returns to Delfino Plaza._

**Mario:** Wow. Glad that's over. What's next, FLUDD?

**FLUDD:** This one should be relatively easy.

**Mario:** Good.

_Mario hops back in._

**FLUDD:** For a person who isn't afraid of heights.

**Mario:** OHHHHH, I hate this!

**Pianta:** The Sand Bird was born! Oh, happy day! It was the most beautiful thing I ever saw! I don't think I will ever see such an awesome sight in all my life! This is the greatest day in history! You should have seen it!

**Mario:** Sweet! Where is it?

**Pianta:** It flew off.

**Mario:** Crap.

**FLUDD:** You have to collect eight red coins on top of the Sand Bird.

**Mario:** Hence the acrophobia warning.

**FLUDD:** Yes.

**Mario:** Well, how do I reach it?

**FLUDD:** You'll be magically teleported to it by going to its egg.

**Mario:** Is this the truth?

**FLUDD:** For once, yes.

**Mario:** No Bianco Hills bugs?

**FLUDD:** None of those.

**Mario:** Nothing waiting to jump out at me, squash me, scare me, kill me, or otherwise make me feel bad?

**FLUDD:** Remember, Mario, the last time I told the truth and you didn't believe me, you wound up on crutches.

**Mario:** It would help if you wouldn't fool me so much.

**FLUDD:** Those are funny moments.

_Mario walks up to the area high up where there is a slide leading down to the egg._

**Mario:** So I'm just supposed to slide down?

**FLUDD:** Yes.

_Mario hops on the slope and slides down. It's fun until the grass turns to rocks and gravel and tears up his overalls. Then he slides into a bunch of plants with thorns on them. Then there's a brief dip in the slope, and he whacks his butt hard on it. When he flies into the egg shell, he whacks his head on the top. Finally, he warps._

**Mario:** You neglected to mention that there were thorn patches, gravel slides, and a DIP in the slope!

**FLUDD:** If you had just looked yourself, you would have seen them. Don't blame me for your IQ of 30.

**Mario:** ...FLUDD? How high up are we?

**FLUDD:** Do you really want to know?

**Mario:** Not really.

**FLUDD:** Too bad. You are about two thousand feet above the ground. You're above the clouds, as you can see.

**Mario:** And what am I standing on?

**FLUDD:** The Sand Bird. Clearly made of sand.

**Mario:** And I'm not sinking through it?

**FLUDD:** Not yet, at least. Now concentrate on getting the red coins before the Sand Bird tilts sideways.

_Mario's face turns green._

**FLUDD:** That would mean now.

_Mario hastily scrambles to get all the red coins. The Sand Bird shouts a cry, and Mario covers his ears and starts crying like a baby._

**FLUDD:** You're pathetic, Mario.

**Mario:** Why do _I_ always have to save the stupid day?

**FLUDD:** And why did I have to get paired with a stupid guy? Life isn't fair sometimes. Get the red coins before the Sand Bird tilts sideways.

_Mario wipes his tears away and hastily gets the rest of the red coins. The Sand Bird starts wobbling._

**Mario:** STOP THAT! That's not nice!

**FLUDD:** It's a sign that it's going to tilt sideways.

_The Sand Bird starts leaning sideways, and Mario scrambles to cling onto something. His fingers rake through the Sand Bird, dropping sand everywhere. He finally grabs onto the edge of a wing and shouts as loud as he can._

**Mario:** FLUDD! Where the heck is that last red coin!?!

**FLUDD:** At the top of the tower the Sand Bird is circling.

_The Sand Bird rights itself, and Mario climbs back on. They near the top of the tower, and Mario uses his Hover Nozzle to hover on and grab the last red coin. The Shine Sprite appears, and Mario grins. A moaning sound is heard behind him._

**Mario:** What's that?

_Mario turns and sees the Sand Bird turning into mud. With a shock, Mario realizes that the water from his Hover Nozzle blasted the Sand Bird. The look of the face is one of horror and shock. The Sand Bird turns completely into mud, then falls from the sky. Mario grabs the Shine Sprite, then warps back into Delfino Plaza, hops back into Gelato Beach, and stares into the sky. After a few minutes, a brown blob is seen falling from high up in the air. It crashes with a huge splash on the ground. Mud goes everywhere._

**Pianta:** Oh, man, what was that? Anybody know what that was?

_All Piantas and Nokis shake their heads. The Pianta turns to Mario, whistling the Super Mario Bros. theme._

**Pianta:** What about you? Do you know what happened?

**Mario:** Well...it's always possible that some guy was up on top of the Sand Bird and accidentally got a little water on it, and it turned into mud and died....

**Pianta:** Really!?! What kind of jerk would do something like that!?!

**Mario:** Well, you know, it could be anybody..._[checks his nonexistent watch]_ Oh, what do you know! I've got to get going and do something! Good luck cleaning up the mess!

_Mario leaves and arrives back in Delfino Plaza._

**FLUDD:** Yes, what kind of jerk would kill the legendary Sand Bird?

_Mario just whistles the Super Mario Bros. theme song and walks away._


	10. TVs, Watermelons, and Cruel Piantas

**TV:** Yesterday, there was a disturbing series of events in Gelato Beach. First, some giant creatures stood on the mirrors shining on the Sand Bird egg and endangered it, but a sumo wrestler came and knocked them all away.

**Mario:** Sumo wrestler?

**Pianta:** Ssh! This is interesting! Listen to her!

**TV:** One such creature was seen flying over Petal Meadows a few hours later, and before that, a flying object was thought to be over Dry Dry Desert.

**Pianta:** Man, whoever did THAT had to be really, REALLY fat!

**Mario:** Looks who's talking.

**Pianta:** What's YOUR problem?

**Mario:** Uh, never mind.

**TV:** And earlier today, the legendary Sand Bird egg hatched, but apparently, not long after it took to the skies, a madman with a hose brutally murdered it and turned it into mud. The beach is still being cleaned up as we speak. Nobody knows who did it, but there is a one MILLION coin bounty on his head, and he's going to receive the death sentence when he gets caught.

**Mario:** Hey, Pianta? Could you please turn to TV off?

**Pianta:** Why? This is interesting. Hey...if you got the million coins, what would you do?

**Mario:** Well...maybe buy a few nice things, and live peacefully somewhere.

**Pianta:** Me, I'd go to town! Man, if I saw that creep, I'd jump on him, beat the crud out of him, drag him to the police, and--hey, why is your face turning pale?

**Mario:** Because I'm late! _[stands up straight outside the electronic store's window, where he was watching the TV]_ I've got to get going! Right, FLUDD?

**FLUDD:** No. Stay all you like.

**Mario:** You're not helping, FLUDD.

**Pianta:** Well, whatever. Just remember, if you see that guy, make sure you tear his--

**Mario:** See ya!!

_Mario runs as fast as he can to the lighthouse and presses himself against it, hyperventilating._

**FLUDD:** I might turn you in for that kind of money myself.

**Mario:** What would YOU need money for?

**FLUDD:** I wouldn't. It would just be amusing.

**Mario:** Breathe one word of this, and--

**FLUDD:** I have no lungs. Therefore, I cannot breathe, moron.

**Mario:** And FLUDD?

**FLUDD:** Yes, Mario?

**Mario:** Do I really look like a sumo wrestler?

**FLUDD:** Lose the mustache, the shirt, and the overalls, and gain a ponytail. Viola.

**Mario:** I knew I shouldn't have asked.

**FLUDD:** Then why did you ask at all?

_Mario ignores him and hops into Gelato Beach. He is now extremely self-conscious and looks nervously at everybody there._

**FLUDD:** I think I'll call you Moronio from now on. It has a certain charm to it.

**Mario:** Charm as in "cruel and not funny at all"?

**FLUDD:** Yes.

**Pianta:** IT'S THE WATERMELON FESTIVAL!!!!!

**Mario:** What does that mean?

**Pianta:** I dunno.

**FLUDD:** Whoever gives the biggest watermelon to the smoothie shop guy gets a Shine Sprite.

**Mario:** _[looks at the Pianta, who is acting all casual]_ Oh, he's back, now, is he?

**FLUDD:** I don't think he's going to give you the Shine Sprite if you threaten him.

**Mario:** _[popping his knuckles]_ Could work.

_Mario pops one knuckle too hard and starts crying. FLUDD douses him with the Idiot Stopper, and he stops crying (it's hard to cry when you have tons of foam in your mouth)._

**Mario:** So anyway, it doesn't really matter if I get the Shine Sprite or not, right? Whoever gets it helps the island nonetheless, right?

**FLUDD:** Do it, buddy.

_Mario mumbles something and finds the closest watermelon. He picks it up, carries it to the smoothie shop guy, and slams it down on the counter._

**Mario:** Prize time.

**Smoothie Pianta:** I don't think so, buddy.

**Mario:** Oh, do I have to pay you fifty coins for this, too?

**Smoothie Pianta:** Take a look at those guys over there.

_Mario turns and sees three people with enormous watermelons standing near the bridge to the smoothie shop. His eyes widen._

**Smoothie Pianta:** But I appreciate the watermelon.

**Mario:** Can I have my fifty coins back?

**Smoothie Pianta:** _[acting surprised]_ What fifty coins?

**Mario:** You know, the ones you SCAMMED from me?

**Smoothie Pianta:** That wasn't me! It was my evil twin brother! He loves to scam people!

**Mario:** Then go call him up.

**Smoothie Pianta:** I don't have his phone number! He lives in secret!

**Mario:** Well, he sure has a profitable business, now, doesn't he?

**Smoothie Pianta:** I'm telling you, I'm not him! See, there he is, over there!

_Mario turns and sees a piece of cut-out cardboard with bad drawing on it. When he turns back, the Smoothie Pianta isn't there. He looks over the counter and sees the guy hiding behind it, playing with a squeeze toy._

**Mario:** _[sarcastically]_ Oh, I get it. Your father was a Pianta and your mother was made of cardboard. Makes perfect sense, doesn't it?

**Smoothie Pianta:** Of course it does. Perfect sense.

**Mario:** _[snatches the squeeze toy from him]_ A little stressed, are we?

_The Pianta reaches under the counter and grabs another squeeze toy. Mario throws the one he has at him._

**Mario:** Give me back my fifty coins!

**Smoothie Pianta:** I don't know what you're talking about.

**FLUDD:** Mario, concentrate on finding a larger watermelon.

**Mario:** This isn't finished, buddy. You will crumble.

_Mario walks away and scans the beach. Finally, he sees a huge watermelon. He dashes over to it and prepares himself. A watermelon that size must be heavy. He tenses up, then throws his weight against it. Immediately, the watermelon goes flying. Mario hits the ground and has the air whoosh out of him. The watermelon lands in the ocean and floats perfectly._

**Mario:** What are these, balloons?

**FLUDD:** Don't ask.

_Another watermelon appears right behind Mario._

**Mario:** What--?

**FLUDD:** Don't ask here, either.

_Mario stands up and moves the watermelon gently. He maneuvers it across the bridge and stops it before the Smoothie Pianta._

**Mario:** Well?

**Smoothie Pianta:** It isn't bigger than the ones they have.

_Mario turns and looks at them. He rolls his over to the biggest one in the group of three watermelons and compares sizes. His is bigger than the largest one. Frustrated, he rolls it back._

**Mario:** Oh, yes, it is.

**Smoothie Pianta:** Uh-uh.

**Mario:** Uh-huh.

**Smoothie Pianta:** I'm not accepting this one.

**Mario:** Go over and see for yourself!!

**Smoothie Pianta:** No.

**Mario:** Why the heck not!?!

**Smoothie Pianta:** Because I don't feel like it.

_Mario kicks the watermelon at him, but it hits the counter, ricochets, and hits him between the eyes instead. Mario grabs his nose, screams, and flails, slamming the deck several times._

**FLUDD:** You brought this on yourself, Mario.

**Mario:** I dow! I dow!

_After ten minutes, Mario is feeling better, gets up off the deck, and goes around looking for another watermelon. He spots one higher up than the first one and rolls it down. A red cataquack gets it, and it explodes upon hitting the ground. Mario throws a coconut at the cataquack and knocks it unconscious._

**Mario:** The last time I checked, watermelons were solid and heavy! What the heck is wrong with this picture!?!

_The watermelon reappears, and Mario rolls it down past the unconscious cataquack, across the beach, and to the smoothie shop. He gets the same response._

**Smoothie Pianta:** No.

**Mario:** Why not!?!

**Smoothie Pianta:** Because I want to give you a hard time.

**Mario:** And I want to punch you in the nose! If you give me a hard time, I'll punch you in the nose! How's that sound?

**Smoothie Pianta:** It sounds like I'd better punch you first.

_The Pianta punches Mario between the eyes. Mario grabs his noses, screams, and flails, slamming the deck several times. Ten MORE minutes later, Mario arrives at the top of Gelato Beach, where he sees a watermelon four times his size._

**Mario:** If he rejects this one, I'm going to make him drink his own surprise smoothie.

_Mario rolls it down to him and stands in front of the counter smugly. The watermelon barely even fits in the shop's entrance._

**Smoothie Pianta:** Nope. It won't do.

**Mario:** Really? It won't?

**Smoothie Pianta:** Why are you so smug? What are you gonna do, punch me?

**Mario:** No, I was thinking more along the lines of making you drink your surprise smoothie.

_Before the Pianta can react, Mario grabs the closest surprise smoothie and splashes the contents down his throat. He lies on the ground and clutches his throat._

**Smoothie Pianta:** Okay! Okay! Take the Shine Sprite! What do I care? Just don't make me drink any more of that stuff! Please!

_Mario takes the Shine Sprite and does his victory dance. FLUDD, true to his word, uses his Idiot Stopper._

**FLUDD:** Remember, Mario? In the Hillside Cave?

**Mario:** It comes back to me now, yes.

_Mario warps out of Gelato Beach, happy to have gotten his Shine Sprite._

--

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Seriously, go back to your GameCube, pop in Super Mario Sunshine, and compare the smallest watermelon you can find in episode 8 of Gelato Beach to the biggest watermelon one of the other guys has. You'll find that YOUR watermelon is bigger. I'm not making this up. Go look.


	11. Mecha Bowser, Cannons, and Hourly Donuts

**FLUDD:** Congratulations, Moronio. You have completed Gelato Beach.

**Mario:** What's next?

**FLUDD:** We'll see.

**Toad:** Mario! Mario! The princess was kidnapped!

**Mario:** And let me guess: You stood behind and ran around in circles while she got farther and farther away, didn't you?

**Toad:** _[in deep thought]_ You know, it might have been a better idea to give chase....

**Mario:** No duh.

**FLUDD:** I think you should give chase yourself, Mario.

_Mario takes off at full speed across Delfino Plaza, sliding around a wet corner too fast and slamming into a building. Shattering glass is heard._

**Janitor:** Sorry!

_Mario shakes it off and runs to Toadsworth._

**Toadsworth:** YEEAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!!

**Mario:** What the heck was that?

**Toadsworth:** I don't know, that's my exclamation of surprise. Anyway, the princess was kidnapped! You must go help her, Mario!

**Mario:** Why didn't you go help her?

**Toadsworth:** Because I am old and you are young, that's why!

**Mario:** Don't pull THAT one again.

**FLUDD:** Mario, go rescue the princess before it's too late.

**Toadsworth:** The kidnapper went to the cannon!

_Mario rushes around the next corner and slides into another building._

**Janitor:** Sorry!

**Mario:** These guys are only fast when they need to get in your way.

_Mario runs through Delfino Plaza again and sees Shadow Mario carrying Peach._

**Peach:** Mario! Help!!

**Mario:** I'm coming, princess! Hey, police! Help her!

**Pianta Policeman:** Oh, it's the slacker again, is it?

**Mario:** There's a princess being kidnapped! Help her!

**Pianta Policeman:** Like I haven't heard THAT one a million times. "Oh, there's a princess in a pretty pink dress being carried by my evil clone screaming 'Help me! Help me! He's taking me away!'"

**Peach:** Help me! Help me! He's taking me away!

**Mario:** TURN AROUND!!!

**Pianta Policeman:** Look, I ain't got the time for pranks now, bubba.

**Mario:** Bubba?

**Peach:** For goodness sakes, someone help me!!!

**Pianta Policeman:** You're wasting my time. I've got a busy schedule. At one o' clock, I've got to get my hourly doughnut, and then I have to insult passerby for the next few hours. It's a busy job, I gotta tell you.

**Mario:** How much do they pay you to stand around doing nothing!?!

**FLUDD:** The policeman is obviously not listening, Mario. Let's leave the overweight, doughnut-craving cowards to themselves.

**Mario:** Ooooh, you got dissed by FLUDD! That's gotta sting!

**FLUDD:** As if I haven't mentioned that you're a fat, big-nosed, clumsy, unintelligent, bumbling idiot a thousand times before.

**Mario:** I still feel good knowing I'm not the only one FLUDD insults.

**Pianta Policeman:** Hey, there's a woman being kidnapped behind you! Why don't you go save her, you slacker!

**Second Pianta Policeman:** _[licking the white doughnut powder off his lips and swallowing]_ Yeah, what he said!

_Mario ignores them and runs to Peach and Shadow Mario, who are on a Bowser-shaped boat._

**Mario:** Whose idea was it to make the eyeballs bug out?

**Shadow Mario:** _[proudly]_ Mine!

**Mario:** Then you ought to be shot.

_Shadow Mario sticks his oversized tongue out, but since it grew twenty times its size in less than half a second, he can't get it back in._

**Shadow Mario:** Uh, hahg od a theckond....

_Mario walks onto the Bowser boat and grabs Peach._

**Mario:** I don't think I want to hahg od a theckond. Go have fun trying to get your tongue back in.

_Shadow Mario smacks Mario with his tongue, then grabs Peach again, shoves Mario off, and dashes off. Mario swims back to Delfino Plaza and climbs back onto land._

**Mario:** That went over well.

**FLUDD:** Very. It was certainly a smart idea to cause eons of trouble by gloating over your enemy and then lowering your defense to your toes. So smart, in fact, that now you'll be chasing Shadow Mario all over the island before you can finally corner him.

**Mario:** It's always nice to be encouraged by you, FLUDD.

**FLUDD:** Then I will keep doing it.

**Mario:** That was called being sarcastic.

**FLUDD:** The last thing I want to hear is advice from YOU.

**Pianta:** The cannon is finished!

**Mario:** Who are you?

**Pianta:** I was working on this cannon for the past few months. I haven't seen the sunlight in ages. I would have my lunchbox dropped down to me. _[rubs his head as if it aches]_ After I would regain consciousness, I would eat.

**Mario:** I need to get to that amusement park, fast!

**FLUDD:** Pinna Park.

**Mario:** Peanut Park!

**FLUDD:** Pinna Park.

**Mario:** Yeah, I know, Peanut Park.

**FLUDD:** I said Pinna Park, Mario.

**Mario:** What's so important about Peanut Park?

**Pianta:** Well, if you want to get there fast, you can use this cannon and blast there quickly.

**Mario:** Awesome! Let's do it!

_Mario hops into the cannon and grins up at FLUDD._

**Mario:** We'll be there in no time!

**Pianta:** And in three...two...one....

_A fireball erupts from the cannon as it backfires and goes up in flames. The birds in faraway Pianta Village hear it and fly away._

**Pianta:** Oh...I guess I should have taken the cannonball out first....

**Mario:** _[comes out of the cannon completely black and smoking]_ I guess so!!!

**Pianta:** Okay, this time's for real. Three...two...one....

_Mario launches out of the cannon, a smoking figure sailing to Pinna Park._

**Mario:** Yeah! I'm flyyyyying! He flies through the air with the greatest of--

_Mario looks at Pinna Park zooming by beneath him._

**Mario:** I think I may have overshot my mark.

**FLUDD:** Indeed you have. In fact, you will splat into the Ferris wheel at 180 miles per hour in five seconds.

_Mario looks up to see the Ferris wheel coming closer and closer. He rams into the center, which makes a crack run down the entire structure. Pinna Park shakes._

**Pianta:** Earthquake!

**Noki:** Run! Run for your lives!

**Pianta:** _[moving his mouth out of sync]_ It's Godzilla!

_Mario spins slowly in the center of the Ferris wheel for about five minutes before his body finally unpeels itself and falls into the water below._

**FLUDD:** It would appear that my calculation was off. THREE seconds.

**Mario:** And that's your biggest concern, isn't it?

_Mario stands up, smoking not from the cannon blast but from the impact. He climbs out of the water and looks around._

**Mario:** This is Pinna Park?

**FLUDD:** Yes, and it has about five rides.

**Mario:** Not enough, then.

**Shadow Mario:** Wow, you're still alive?

**Mario:** Surprising, isn't it? I get blown up AND slam into a Ferris wheel at 180 miles per hour--

**FLUDD:** My calculations were off there, too. 195.

**Mario:** Whatever. So anyway, I--wait a minute, get back here!

_Mario chases after Shadow Mario and comes to a pool of water. Shadow Mario floats above it, and the water starts rippling, then separates. A huge machine is shot out of the pool, knocking Shadow Mario high into the air, then landing on his coccyx back on top of the machine's head._

**Koopa Worker Under The Pool:** Sorry! I didn't know I wasn't supposed to pull the lever all the way.

**Noki:** Wow! Is this a new ride they have?

**Mario:** Shouldn't you know?

**Noki:** It's amazing! The way it's destroying my park almost looks like the real thing!

_Bullet Bills collide into various parts of the park, sending people flying wherever they blast._

**Noki:** I've gotta pay these actors more! It's almost like they really are being blown to smithereens!

**Mario:** They kind of are.

**Noki:** Well, as you are the hero, let me provide you with a hero's vehicle!

**Mario:** A roller coaster?

**Noki:** Hop in and defeat it!

**Mario:** Wait a minute! With what!?!

_The roller coaster zooms away. Mario holds onto the edges of the super-small car to avoid falling out as he goes upside down._

**Mario:** The seatbelt! Where's the seatbelt!?!

**FLUDD:** Beneath your feet, you moron.

_Mario grabs the two strips and tries to click them together. His tries become more frantic and frantic as they won't connect._

**Mario:** It's not working!!

**FLUDD:** That's because people generally don't slam their seatbelts together.

_Mario pauses, then connects them slowly. It works. He breathes a sigh of relief, then screams as a Bullet Bill flies past him._

**Mario:** How am I supposed to defeat this guy!?!

**FLUDD:** Whenever you come into contact with a missile, attach it to my nozzle and shoot it at him.

_Mario gets one such missile and stuffs it into FLUDD's nozzle. The car comes towards the giant Mecha-Bowser, and Mario prepares to fire._

**Mario:** Say your prayers, Shadow Mario!

_Because he didn't screw it in tight enough, the missile drops when he shoots it and explodes inside the car, destroying it and sending Mario flying back down to the park director._

**Noki Director:** Incredible! It's almost as if you really had a near-death experience!

**Mario:** Just supply me with another car!

_Mario hops into another car, then zooms off again. Shadow Mario's maniacal laughter comes out of Mecha-Bowser._

**Shadow Mario:** Say YOUR prayers, Mario!

_One of the cannon holes in Mecha-Bowser makes a clicking sound. Puzzled, Shadow Mario tries to fire another Bullet Bill several more times. Nothing happens._

**Shadow Mario:** I suppose I should have guessed this thing would run out of ammo. Then I'll just use my fire breath!

_Nothing happens._

**Shadow Mario:** I suppose I also should have guessed I don't have infinite amounts of fire. Well, crap.

_Mario hops out of the car when it comes close to the ground, then walks up to Mecha-Bowser and blasts him. A gaping hole is left inside it. Mecha-Bowser powers down._

**Mario:** Holy guacamole, I didn't expect THAT to happen.

**Shadow Mario:** Just how poorly-designed was this rig!?! It should be able to stand up to miniature water missiles!

**Koopa Worker Under The Pool:** Oh, you said the THICK armor, not the STICK armor. I thought you meant to apply paper-thin armor.

**Shadow Mario:** No! You loser!

_The top opens up, and Shadow Mario and Peach are inside. Shadow Mario hops out and transforms into Bowser Jr._

**Bowser Jr.:** Leave my mama alone, you bad man! I won't let you take Mama Peach away!

**Mario:** Whoa, whoa, WHOA, there. Peach has been having an affair with Bowser?

**Peach:** Well, it's news to ME.

**Mario:** It better be.

**Bowser Jr.:** Yeah, papa told me all about it! He said, "Mario's a big, fast, stupid, idiot who always beats me at everything! I'm a poor sport, so I want him dead!"

**Mario:** And you listened to him.

**Bowser Jr.:** You...you pest! Stop following us! ...I said stop following us! Cut that out!

**Mario:** I'm not moving anywhere.

**Bowser Jr.:** Oh. Right.

_A balloon appears above what remains of Mecha Bowser and carries it away._

**FLUDD:** It appears to be heading for Corona Mountain.

**Mario:** Awesome! We'll go there next!

**FLUDD:** No we won't.

**Mario:** You'd better be joking.

**FLUDD:** Nope. We're going to get more Shine Sprites and THEN rescue Peach.

**Mario:** Why do we have to get the Shine Sprites first!?!

**FLUDD:** Because then we can fight Shadow Mario.

**Mario:** How do you know all this?

**FLUDD:** Never mind, Mario.

**Mario:** Tell me!

**FLUDD:** I said never mind.

**Mario:** Tell me!!!

_FLUDD uses his Idiot Stopper._

**FLUDD:** Now shut up and go get the Shine Sprite.

**Mario:** TELL ME!!!!!

_FLUDD douses Mario with his Idiot Stopper so much that a tower of foam and bubbles appear where Mario is._

**FLUDD:** Just do what I say.

**Mario:** Unless it gets me in trouble.

**FLUDD:** Exactly.

_Mario walks out of the cloud of bubbles and gets the Shine Sprite. He twirls around and poses for the camera._

**FLUDD:** That still counts as a victory dance.

**Mario:** Uh-oh.


	12. Ferris Wheels, Dizziness, and Marioku

**Dramatic Voice:** On the last epic episode of Mario Ball Z, Marioku went to the Island of Pinna to defeat the Turtles of Power. However, their might was too much for even the powerful Marioku, and Luigeta had to step in....

**Luigeta:** _[in a deep, too-raspy-to-be-natural voice]_ You're a pitiful sight, Jumpmanot!

**Dramatic Voice:** Luigeta, with the aid of the injured Marioku, finally defeated the narcoleptic-yet-immensely-deadly Turtles of Power and saved the Yoshis of Pinna Island. But they still needed to find the rest of the Sprite Balls, and more danger was awaiting Pinna Park.... _[voice returns to normal]_ But unfortunately, Mario Ball Z isn't real. Maybe another day. In reality, Mario just had to jump on the turtles to kill them. Which leaves us on episode five.

**Mario:** If I used enough hair gel, could I really become Marioku?

**FLUDD:** You could, but I would kill you.

**Mario:** I guess that's out the window, then.

**Noki:** Help! Help! The Ferris wheel is going out of control!

_Mario notices the Ferris wheel spinning at a hundred miles per hour. He grins._

**Mario:** Can I, FLUDD?

**FLUDD:** I'll say it again: You could, but I would kill you. If the ride didn't finish you off first.

**Mario:** It isn't too bad, is it? If it's just spinning around and around, can't you fix it electrically somewhere?

**Noki:** We already have a guy trying to work on it.

_A Pianta holding a toolbox and grabbing onto the edge of one of the seats of the Ferris wheel screams as he spins around at a hundred miles per hour. At last, he lets go and flies away into the distance._

**Mario:** That wasn't quite what I meant.

**Noki:** And to answer your question as to what would happen....

_In the possible future, the Ferris wheel launches off the structure, floats into the air, crashes into Delfino Plaza, and blows up Isle Delfino. The destruction makes volcanoes erupt, earthquakes occur, buildings collapse, and the world eventually explodes._

**Noki:** So we can't let the Ferris wheel go like this for too long.

**Mario:** I see. How do we stop it?

**Noki:** There are some Electro-Koopas behind it messing it up. But I still think that flying meteor that crashed into it awhile ago was what messed it up.

**Mario:** Uh, no, definitetly the Electro-Koopas. So why didn't the worker go back there to fix it?

**Noki:** Because we're stupid, that's why.

**Mario:** And let me guess: It's up to me to fix it.

**FLUDD:** Of course. Now get going.

**Mario:** Sure. But first....

_Mario rushes to the Ferris wheel, grabs onto one of the pods, and climbs in._

**Mario:** Woohoo! This is awesome!

**FLUDD:** Of all the people to have possibly found me, this guy had to.

**Mario:** Wheee--ulp...ugh...feel...dizzy....

**FLUDD:** And what did you think was going to happen?

**Mario:** Must...leave...ride....

_Mario attempts to climb back out the window, but the whirling force keeps pushing him back in. He lies on the floor, feeling like he's going to die._

**Mario:** FLUDD...in case I don't make it...tell Pauline that I always loved her...and only left her because of Peach....

**FLUDD:** In other words, you found a prettier girl with lots of money.

**Mario:** But don't tell her that.

**FLUDD:** Too bad.

**Mario:** Don't let me die knowing my greatest secrets will be exposed, FLUDD.

**FLUDD:** Are you going to care when you're dead? Now get up and keep cleaning the island.

**Mario:** That's easy for you to say. You don't feel sick.

**FLUDD:** Of course I feel sick. Every second I have to spend with you.

**Mario:** I can see it written on my gravestone already... "He died being insulted by a machine...."

**FLUDD:** There's a Blooper in here.

_Mario gets up immediately and dives out the window. He lands hard on the ground and swats himself all over._

**Mario:** Get it off me! Get it off me! Get it off me! Get it off me!

**FLUDD:** Relax. There's not actually a Blooper. I was just trying to get you out of the window.

**Mario:** FLUDD, don't scare me like that!

**FLUDD:** Mario, don't act stupid like that! What were you thinking, jumping into a speeding Ferris wheel pod like that, anyway?

**Mario:** I thought it would be fun.

**FLUDD:** But it wasn't.

**Mario:** No, it wasn't.

**FLUDD:** More evidence of your peanut-sized brain.

**Mario:** Whatever! How do I slow down the Ferris wheel?

**FLUDD:** There's a giant Electro-Koopa at the top of the Ferris wheel making it spin out of control. Also, they should take care of that nasty crack someone left in the middle of the wheel.

**Mario:** It wasn't my fault that cannon launched me too far.

**FLUDD:** But it was very funny.

**Mario:** Says you.

_Mario walks around to the back of the Ferris wheel and stares at the Electro-Koopas climbing all over the metal fencing._

**Mario:** Right. So I climb up that, get to the top, and knock the Electro-Koopa off. Simple.

**FLUDD:** Dummy alert.

**Mario:** Where?

**FLUDD:** Very, very close.

**Mario:** Well, I'll worry about him later. Now, to start climbing!

_Mario climbs up the metal grating until he meets up with an Electro-Koopa on the other side of the fence-like wall. He waves teasingly at it._

**Mario:** Well, hi, you little loser! Are you the dummy FLUDD was talking about?

_The Electro-Koopa raises a tiny foot, then touches Mario's hand. He gets zapped instantly. Worse, his finger gets stuck in one of the holes, and he is continually shocked. His hair stands on end and catches fire._

**Mario:** Ow! Get off!

**FLUDD:** Spray water at it.

**Mario:** Good idea!

_Mario sprays water at it, following FLUDD's false advice. Since water attracts electricity, the shocking is tripled, and Mario bursts into flame._

**Mario:** Aaah! More water! More water!

_Mario sprays even more water, and instead of dampening the fire, it makes it worse. Finally, Mario yanks his hand free and splashes down on the watery ground, a smoking figure as the fire dissolves. He is completely black._

**Mario:** FLUDD, what's the next area we're going to?

**FLUDD:** Noki Bay.

**Mario:** Good, because THEN I GET TO KILL YOU!!!!!

**FLUDD:** If you would have just used your brain, you would have realized that water attracts electricity and would have made the situation worse. And the "dummy alert" I was referring to was you.

**Mario:** Forget it! Noki Bay isn't close enough!!!

_Mario takes FLUDD off his back and walks up to the edge of the park, preparing to toss FLUDD into the water._

**FLUDD:** I never told you about my secretly-installed device, did I?

**Mario:** Oh, the Idiot Stopper? Yeah, sure, like I don't know all about that. Guess what? It doesn't matter how many times you use it! You're still going!!

**FLUDD:** I was referencing my OTHER secretly-installed device.

**Mario:** Huh?

**FLUDD:** The Self-Destructor. It means I blow up.

**Mario:** That's easily taken care of by throwing you away!

**FLUDD:** Is it? The Self-Destructor's power is equal to that of ten nuclear warheads going off in one spot.

_Mario frowns and lowers FLUDD._

**Mario:** You're lying about this, aren't you?

**FLUDD:** Better to be safe than sorry.

_Mario grudgingly puts FLUDD back on and walks toward the Ferris wheel._

**Mario:** Fine. Why does E. Gadd never install anything helpful?

**FLUDD:** Because his secret ambition is to rule the world.

**Mario:** I knew it.

**FLUDD:** Why do you think he babbles nonsense? It's because he wants everyone to believe he's crazy.

**Mario:** He IS crazy.

_Mario climbs up the metal fence and punches an Electro-Koopa off. He continues climbing up until he meets several Electro-Koopas. The Electro-Koopas look at each other as if confirming a secret code, nod their heads, then gang up on Mario and beat him up._

**Mario:** FLUDD! What do I do?

**FLUDD:** Use my Self-Destructor!

**Mario:** Oh, heck no!

**FLUDD:** Good. You've passed the test.

**Mario:** Seriously, these guys are beating the crap out of me! What do I do?

**FLUDD:** You use martial arts and beat them all up.

_Mario lets out a high-pitched shriek, and the Electro-Koopas jump back, startled. Mario begins moving his hands in slow, strange movements._

**Mario:** Uuuuaaaaaeeeeeaaaaaaaeeeee....

_Mario lunges at them all and kicks, karate chops, and punches his way to victory. The Electro-Koopas fall to the ground below, unconscious._

**FLUDD:** I didn't know you actually knew martial arts.

**Mario:** I don't. I just kinda improvised.

_Mario shrugs, then continues his climb up. He makes it to the top, where he sees a huge, sleeping Electro-Koopa. Mario grabs onto the railing beneath it and kicks at it. It doesn't budge. Instead, it wakes up and turns slowly to Mario with the angriest expression he's seen in his life._

**Giant Electro-Koopa:** AAAAHH!!! I have been awakened from my slumber by a midget in overalls! I EAT MIDGETS IN OVERALLS FOR BREAKFAST!!!!

**Mario:** Well, I'm sure we could talk things over peacefully if you wanted to do that....

**Giant Electro-Koopa:** I shall fry you with the Lightning of Doom and keep your smoking ashes in a jar to show everyone the midget in overalls who challenged me! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

_Just as easily as it woke up, it goes back to sleep and starts snoring. Mario tries to make his heart calm down before he passes out._

**Mario:** Well, that was scary.

**FLUDD:** I would start working on some push-ups, Mario.

_Mario climbs up in front of the Electro-Koopa, then pushes it closer and closer to the edge. Finally, it falls off and lands in the ocean. Since, of course, water attracts electricity, a HUMUNGOUS explosion of electricity blasts through the water and kills all fish around Pinna Island. The Shine Sprite appears, and Mario rides the Ferris wheel up to get it._

**Mario:** I certainly had to go through a lot to get this one. But at least now I know there are TWO secretly-installed devices instead of one.

**FLUDD:** That's what you think.

**Mario:** I'm going to choose to ignore that and pretend I never heard it.

_Later, in Delfino Plaza, Mario is watching the TV through the electronic store's window...._

**Reporter:** Another strange series of events happened today. A Pianta carrying a toolbox was seen flying over Pianta Village at high speed. No one knows how he got launched into the air, but whatever launched him launched him far. Also, the Ferris wheel in Pinna Park went out of control after an eight hundred pound meteorite hit it and gave it a severe crack. The Ferris wheel was fixed recently, however. And a disturbing event happened around Pinna Island where the same madman who murdered the Sand Bird killed all the fish and underwater life with an electrical explosion. There is now a TWO million coin bounty on his head, and it has been stated that his death will be by listening to Ike say "You'll get no sympathy from me" over and over again until he dies. Back to you, Edward.

**Mario:** An eight hundred pound meteorite?

**Pianta:** That's what it said. And the Death-By-Ike torture? That's bad, man. The only thing that beats it is Death-By-Captain-Falcon, where you listen to him say "Yes" over and over again.

**Mario:** Has anyone ever been given the Death-By-Ike sentence?

**Pianta:** Not yet, but it's effective at forcing enemies to give up information. They usually give in after twenty seconds or so. It's the thought of listening to it for hours that bothers them.

**Mario:** Uh, sounds painful. Well, I've got to go now.


	13. Balloons, Prison, and Scams

**Mario:** This is the last Shine Sprite I'll have to get here, right, FLUDD?

**FLUDD:** Correct. And guess what?

**Mario:** What?

**FLUDD:** Noki Bay is next.

**Mario:** .................

**FLUDD:** You are going to resist temptation lest you destroy half the Earth. You can kill me and kill yourself and everyone within a hundred mile radius, or you can tough it out and keep your life.

**Mario:** It still is tempting, throwing you over that cliff.

**FLUDD:** And believe me, it's more than tempting to use my Self-Destructor.

**Mario:** You know, why exactly does Shadow Mario appear every so often in these places and then just run from me?

**FLUDD:** Because he's a weenie. It's a free Shine Sprite. Be thankful.

**Mario:** I'm just thinking that one of these days, it'd be awesome to engage in a firefight with him.

**FLUDD:** Be careful what you wish for, Mario.

**Mario:** I could handle it.

**FLUDD:** Could you?

**Mario:** Yup.

**FLUDD:** Then perhaps you'd be pleased to know that Shadow Mario is listening in on us now, grinning mischievously and planning to bring his AK-47 next time you meet.

_Mario stops, petrified. He looks around him but sees nothing._

**Mario:** _[calling out around him]_ Alright, we'll have the gunfight later! But don't bring your AK-47!

**Pianta Policeman:** Hey! Get him!

_Seventeen policemen plus a gorilla jump on Mario and beat him to a pulp. The next thing he knows, he's in jail._

**Mario:** FLUDD?

**FLUDD:** _[with mock sweetness]_ Yes, Mario?

**Mario:** Was Shadow Mario actually out there listening to me?

**FLUDD:** No.

**Mario:** You got me beaten to a pulp, thrown in jail, and humiliated, all for a little laugh?

**FLUDD:** Of course not. I can't laugh.

**Mario:** BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT YOU GAIN ENJOYMENT FROM MY MISERY!!!! You ask me to stay focused on my task, and then you constantly get me thrown in jail! I don't get it!!

**FLUDD:** I am constantly testing you to see if your IQ has increased to more than a rock's. Apparently, it hasn't.

**Mario:** Why me?

**FLUDD:** I ask myself that every day.

**Pianta Policeman:** Okay, jerk! Time to go to court!

**Mario:** What? Going to court the moment I get into jail?

**FLUDD:** The Piantas work differently than most other people do. All people go to court the moment they are in jail, and in the entire history of Piantas, not a single person has been found innocent.

**Pianta Policeman:** Get in there!!

_The cop throws Mario into a chair. Mario whacks his head against the counter in front of him and goes limp in his chair._

**Judge:** Court is now in session!

**Pianta:** Mario is guilty!

**Mario:** Now wait a minute, wait a minute! Let's not go through this again! Let's see some EVIDENCE as to why I'm guilty! Normal court sessions last longer than five seconds!

**Pianta:** _[confused]_ No, they don't.

**Mario:** Okay, SMART people who have BRAINS have longer court sessions!

_The Pianta punches Mario, and he goes unconscious._

**Pianta:** So where were we? Ah, yes...Mario is guilty!

**Judge:** Court adjourned!

_Mario's limp body is dragged back to the jail cell, where he is thrown in. Mario wakes back up._

**Mario:** What happened?

**FLUDD:** You got punched and went unconscious.

**Mario:** What was the result?

**FLUDD:** You were found guilty.

**Mario:** How do I get out of here?

**FLUDD:** Use your brain.

_Mario sees a Pianta kid with an ice cream cone wandering around outside the cell's window._

**Mario:** Hey! Hey, kid! Can you do a favor for me?

_The kid stares at Mario blankly._

**Mario:** I want you to get me out of here! Can you find something to wrench the bars open with?

_The kid still stares at Mario blankly._

**Mario:** You do speak my language, right?

_Still no response._

**Mario:** Well, whatever! If you can't find something to wrench the bars open with, can you get those keys from the guard?

_Mario turns and indicates a sleeping Pianta in uniform outside the cell, holding a powdered doughnut in his hand. Every few seconds, he unconsciously lifts the doughnut to his mouth, then drops it back down as he snores._

**Mario:** And be sure to put them back when you're done! I'll pay you ten coins if you can get me out of here!

_The kid walks into the jail cell and taps the guard roughly on the shoulder. Mario silently grabs his head and mouths "What are you doing!?!"_

**Pianta Kid:** Hey, mister! Can you give me those keys so I can get him out of here? He's paying me ten coins to do it.

**Guard:** Huh!?! What!?! Oh...sure...go a-zzzzzzzz....

_To his surprise, the kid gets the keys, unlocks Mario's cell, and lets him out. Mario pats him on the head, pays him the promised ten coins, and finally lets out his breath he was holding in. He walks out, a free man. On his way back to the cannon, he spies a poster on a wall. It has a picture of a really fat man with a mustache. The poster says, "Wanted: Man who murdered Sand Bird and destroyed marine life around Pinna Island. Reward: Two million coins. Criminal is supposed to be eight hundred pounds and four-foot-two in height."_

**Mario:** I am leaving Isle Delfino as soon as possible.

**FLUDD:** And to do that, you must clean up the island.

**Mario:** Couldn't I just escape using you?

**FLUDD:** I could always self-destruct.

**Mario:** Look, it's not my fault I was framed for this mess! Can't you help me escape?

**FLUDD:** Maybe so, but do you want to live as an outlaw for the rest of your life, constantly changing your appearance and identity? Running from the law, who will likely have Luigi hired to track down and kill you, unaware that he's hunting his brother? Abandoning Princess Peach and the rest of your friends?

**Mario:** Alright, alright! Why can't they just escape with me?

**FLUDD:** Then they'd all become outlaws. Just focus on getting the Shine Sprites.

_Mario grumbles all the way to the cannon. He glares at the cannon guy._

**Mario:** Can you shoot correctly next time?

**Cannon Pianta:** Didn't I shoot you correctly last time?

**Mario:** No, you shot me into the Ferris wheel and made it go all screwy!

**Cannon Pianta:** Oh, so it WASN'T a meteorite that damaged it!

**Mario:** Just shoot accurately this time!

**Cannon Pianta:** Okay, hop in!

_Mario jumps in and covers his ears. The Cannon Pianta counts down outside. Mario gets launched high into the air._

**Mario:** Ohhhh yeah! This time, it's gonna be awesome!

**FLUDD:** If only you knew.

**Mario:** Huh?

**FLUDD:** Look below you.

_Mario looks down and sees that he's only made it halfway to Pinna Park._

**FLUDD:** It is approximately another mile to Pinna Island. You will have to swim the remaining distance.

**Mario:** What!?! What if a Blurp or a giant Blooper gets me?

**FLUDD:** _[with mocking sarcasm]_ Don't worry. Some madman killed off all the sea creatures.

_Mario lands into the deep blue ocean and swims back to the surface. He looks at Pinna Island._

**Mario:** I'm going to have to swim all the way to THERE!?!

**FLUDD:** It's that or swim back to Delfino Plaza. But seeing as you're smack in the middle of the distance, it would be smarter to swim for Pinna Island.

_An hour later, a soggy, exhausted figure crawls onto the beaches of Pinna Island._

**Mario:** I finally made it...how long's it been since I started swimming, FLUDD?

**FLUDD:** About an hour. The tedium was overwhelming.

**Mario:** Yeah, you didn't have to do any of the work!

**FLUDD:** I could have, you know.

**Mario:** Huh?

**FLUDD:** You could have just used my Hover Nozzle to propel you through the water.

**Mario:** And why the heck didn't you tell me that before!?!

**FLUDD:** Because I wanted to see if you were smart enough to pick up on it. Which, apparently, you weren't.

**Mario:** Well, thanks a lot, FLUDD!!!

**FLUDD:** You're welcome.

_Mario rests for another hour or so, drying out and heating up. Finally, he is ready to take on the next challenge._

**Mario:** Okay, so what do I have to do this time?

**FLUDD:** See those twenty balloons floating around the park?

**Mario:** Yeah....

**FLUDD:** Talk to the Noki in charge of the roller coaster.

_Mario walks up to the elevated area and talks to the Noki._

**Mario:** What are all the balloons for?

**Noki:** It's a challenge! You're supposed to ride on the roller coaster and shoot all the balloons with rockets! If you win, you get a Shine Sprite!

**Mario:** Now wait just a minizzle! You're keeping one of Isle Delfino's power sources! You need to give it back!

**Noki:** _[dollar signs appearing in his eyes]_ But it brings in the mooooneyyyy....

**Mario:** I officially hate Isle Delfino!!

**FLUDD:** You won't convince him otherwise. Get on the roller coaster.

_Mario groans and hops in._

**Noki:** Okay! Have fun! _[starts counting the fistful of coins he's been given]_

**Mario:** So I just blow these balloons up with rockets?

**FLUDD:** Yes. Here comes a rocket now.

_Mario screws on the rocket and takes aim at a group of balloons. He fires. The rocket heads straight for the balloons. At the last second, it changes direction. Mario turns and glares at the Noki, who is using a remote control and grinning greedily. When he sees Mario, he hides it behind his back and starts whistling. Mario gets another rocket and fires it at another balloon. Again, it changes directions. With his third rocket, Mario turns and shoots it at the Noki. A high-pitched scream is heard as he narrowly avoids the rocket. When Mario's car zooms by, he snatches the remote from the Noki._

**Mario:** Thanks, but I prefer not being ripped off!

_Mario gets another rocket and controls it to go through all twenty of the balloons. The ride comes to a stop. Mario grins at the Noki._

**Mario:** Well? Where's my prize?

**Noki:** Uh, you can't get it yet! You have to wait a few years to get it!

**Mario:** I'm a patient man.

**FLUDD:** Yeah, right.

**Mario:** Shut up, FLUDD.

**Noki:** And after those years are up, you have to do it again, wait three more years, and continue doing it until you've done it fifteen times! And then you--

**Mario:** Shut up and give me the stupid Shine Sprite.

**Noki:** I forgot where I placed it!

**Mario:** That glass container behind you might be a nice place to start.

**Noki:** How did that get there? It wasn't there a second ago!

**Mario:** Yeah, sure. Open it up, you cheap scammer.

**Noki:** I lost the keys!

**Mario:** Sure you did. Listen, if you don't open this up, I'm going to blast it open using a rocket.

**Noki:** Quick! Remove all of the rockets!

_Mario hops into the car and races forward. A Pianta park employee rushes toward the track and attempts to snatch the rocket, but Mario grabs it first. Using the remote, he guides it into the glass container and frees the Shine Sprite. He hops out of the car and grabs it._

**Mario:** Now none of your pathetic excuses will work anyway. I have the Shine Sprite! It's mine!

_Mario runs off, cackling with maniacal laughter. He runs in the wrong direction and falls off the edge, screaming as he splats into the ground. Unpeeling himself from the ground, he runs toward the park entrance._


	14. Bottles, Fish Bowls, and Sinister Plots

**FLUDD:** I am very impressed, Mario. Even one with a skull as thick as yours can prevail.

_Mario's hand twitches as he stands on the cliff of Noki Bay. Part of him wants to hurl the source of his pain and misery over the cliff and walk away. Part of him tells him that it's not such a good idea. He stares at the water, thinking about it._

**Mario:** You know what? Who cares? Evil like you shouldn't exist anyway.

_He takes FLUDD off his back and walks to the edge._

**Mario:** Never mind. I changed my mind. No, wait...you should die...but...yes, I'll...no, that would kill...but I want to....

**Noki:** Dude, are you okay?

**Mario:** Of course I'm okay. Peachy. Now, back to the situation at hand--

**Noki:** Okay, just making sure. _[eyes Mario strangely before walking away]_

**FLUDD:** Now you're not only a dumb maniac who goes around killing things, but you're a schizophrenic dumb manic who goes around killing things. The bottom of the barrel has just grown deeper.

**Mario:** You live for today, FLUDD.

_Mario puts FLUDD back on and walks away._

**Narrator with Overly Dramatic Voice:** Such was Mario's first day in Noki Bay. He narrowly avoided ending both his misery and his life and chose to walk away, saving the lives of thousands. He is essentially an outlaw; he has threatened the innocent park-goers at Pinna Island, escaped from prison, and broke the rules to someone who broke them first. No one knows he is also the madman who killed the Sand Bird and wiped out half the marine life around Isle Delfino.

**Mario:** Eh tu, Narrator?

**Narrator:** _[still using the dramatic voice]_ I merely read the script, Mario. Now, our favorite plumber-slash-outlaw continues his mission. First he uncorked the waterfall to clean the water.

_The scene switches to a flashback at the top of the waterfall._

**Monty Mole:** Back off or I'll kill her! _[holds a gun up to a woman's head]_

**Mario:** _[wearing sunglasses and a black leather jacket and speaking in a voice reminiscent of the Narrator]_ My father always had a saying. He said to me, 'Be careful what you wish for, Junior, because you might just get it.' You have what some might call a death wish. So I'll tell you the words my father said again: Be careful what you wish for, because you might just get it."

**Monty Mole:** You think I won't do it? Huh? Is that it? You think polluting the water was the end of it? Well, you're wrong! _[cocks the gun]_

**Mario:** Go ahead. Make my day.

_The Monty Mole prepares to fire, but Mario pulls out his gun and shoots the Monty Mole six times in the chest. He lets go of the woman, stumbles around and, in dramatic fashion, falls off the edge and tumbles into the water below. Mario stands on the edge and blows the smoke from his gun._

**Narrator:** _[using his dramatic voice, as ever]_ Okay, so it didn't quite happen like that....

**Monty Mole:** Go away! I'm busy!

**Mario:** Hey...I remember you...yeah, you were at Pinna Park! You were shooting Bullet Bills around the island!

**Monty Mole:** I thought your face looked familiar...nice to see you again, buddy! I've got a present for you!

_He throws a Bob-Omb at Mario. Mario catches it, screams, and runs around in circles. He accidentally trips and throws the Bob-Omb at the Monty Mole._

**Monty Mole:** Oh crap....

_The Monty Mole and his cannon blow up. Mario looks up and realizes he's alive._

**Mario:** I live! He threw a Bob-Omb at me and I lived! I could kiss this ground!

**FLUDD:** Do it. I dare you to.

_Mario kisses the ground. FLUDD uses his Idiot Stopper. When Mario lifts his face up, only his mouth isn't covered in foam._

**Mario:** It was worth it. How do I get that cork out of the waterfall?

**FLUDD:** You jump on it and pull it out.

**Mario:** Oh, yeah, right. You're lying again, aren't you?

**FLUDD:** Do you see any other way of getting it out?

_Mario shrugs and does what FLUDD says. He almost doesn't make it to the cork when he jumps. He hangs on for dear life, shrieking like a banshee._

**FLUDD:** You're safe, Mario. You're not falling.

**Mario:** _[peeks open an eye]_ Ah, I see. Might as well pull myself up, then.

_Mario stands on the cork, then grabs onto the edges and pulls with all his might. It slides out inch by inch. Finally, it pops out and goes flying miles away. Mario is still on it._

**Mario:** Normally my heart would be racing, but I think I left it behind!!!

_In Delfino Plaza, a crowd has gathered around a statue and a Pianta speaking in front of it._

**Pianta Speaker:** Ladies and gentlemen, what you are seeing is something few other eyes have seen! This statue, named "Man of the Wilderness," was found deep at the bottom of the ocean! After decades of hard search, we have finally found the statue! The statue is worth approximately eighteen billion coins and, according to history, took about two and a half years to make--

_A giant cork and a red-and-blue-clad plumber crash into the statue, shaking the whole plaza. The statue shatters into a thousand pieces. The cork rolls some distance away and finally comes to a stop. Mario gets off it, shaking head to toe, barely able to walk right. The Pianta speaker stares at the statue's shards in disbelief._

**Mario:** What a ride...don't think I wanna do that again....

**FLUDD:** As soon as your eyes focus, maybe you should look at the scene before you.

_After a few minutes, the million Piantas that appeared to be there turn out to actually be about fifty. He notices the slabs of rock lying on the ground._

**Mario:** Hey, is anyone gonna clean that up? It makes this place look messy.

**Pianta Woman:** Hey, isn't that the man who claimed he had a gun at Pinna Park?

**Pianta Man:** Yeah, it looks just like him!

**Pianta Speaker:** Sir, do you know what you just did?

**Mario:** Nah, not really.

**Pianta Speaker:** WELL, YOU'LL NEVER LIVE TO FIND OUT!!!

_Mario takes off running, the Pianta hot on his heels. He heads for the beam of light that will take him to Noki Bay._

**Pianta Speaker:** MY WHOLE LIFE! MY WHOLE FUTURE, DESTROYED IN SECONDS! SINCE I WAS SIXTEEN, I HELPED LOOK FOR THAT STATUE, AND AFTER ALL THOSE YEARS--

**Mario:** Well, pardon me for being the one to try and clean Noki Bay!

**Pianta Speaker:** ALL THAT HISTORY! ALL THAT MONEY!! GONE!

**Mario:** I just can't do anything right, can I?

**FLUDD:** Nope.

**Narrator:** It took nearly half an hour, but he finally lost the Pianta and went back to Noki Bay to continue his adventure. To his horror, he discovered that--

**Mario:** The water is still dirty! I did all that for nothing!

**FLUDD:** It helped. Go see that old Noki over there.

**Noki Teacher:** Who're you calling old, you rusty piece of junk!?

**FLUDD:** Looks who's talking.

**Noki Teacher:** At least I have brains, not AI!

**Mario:** I believe FLUDD has met his match.

**Noki Teacher:** Anywho, welcome back, youngster! Thank you for uncorking that waterfall! Now, if I can trick--I mean, ask you to enter those ruins over there!

**Mario:** You mean the one with ancient hieroglyphics depicting men getting their throats slit and people falling to their dooms?

**Noki Teacher:** The very one! I want you to explore it!

**Mario:** And why should I do that?

**Noki Teacher:** There's a treasure at the end of it! You want treasure, don't you? Huh? Don't you?

**FLUDD:** It's a Shine Sprite, Mario.

**Mario:** You mean that Shine Sprite inside that cave at the bottom of the ruins over there?

**Noki Teacher:** Shoot, so there really is a treasure?

**Mario:** What was that?

**Noki Teacher:** Oh, nothing, pay me no mind, just mumbling to myself...so, why not enter those ruins and get a crushing--I mean, a Shine Sprite?

**Mario:** _[looks at the Noki Teacher suspiciously]_ Um, okay....

**Narrator:** It was very long and very difficult....

**Mario:** Hey, sweet! I found a secret tunnel!

_Mario enters the tunnel in the wall and gets attacked by a kangaroo with boxing gloves. His screams and shouts are heard as the camera zooms away._

**Narrator:** And then there were the parts where the walls pushed him off the edge....

**Mario:** I can wall jump up this shaft! One, two--GAH! I failed again! Man, this is so annoying!

_Mario kicks the wall in his frustration. The wall comes forward and knocks him off the edge._

**Mario:** I'm sorry I did that! HELP!!

_Mario falls in slow motion. The camera views him from above as he grabs the air in front of him repeatedly, eyes wide. Dramatic music plays. The speed returns to normal, and he falls into a small pool of water._

**Mario:** I'm wet.

**FLUDD:** I think we can all see that. Why don't you stop stating the obvious and get to work?

**Narrator:** But eventually, he reached the top, where he discovered his archenemy....

**Mario:** Oh, not you again!

**Gooper Blooper:** BLUH BLOO BLEE BLAH BLUB!!

**Mario:** How about we settle this like the men--uh, and squids--that we are?

_Gooper Blooper looks at Mario with a fierce expression as if to say yes._

**Mario:** You know what this means, right?

_Gooper Blooper grunts in agreement._

**Mario:** It's time to d-d-d-d-d-d-duel!!!

_Mario and Gooper Blooper whip out their Yu-Gi-Oh cards from nowhere and start playing. They lay their cards down and start to d-d-d-d-d-d-d-duel._

_Many exaggerated facial expressions and Blue Eyes White Yoshis later...._

**Mario:** No...this...this isn't possible...I can't believe it....

**FLUDD:** Surprisingly, it is true, Mario. You have won.

**Mario:** MY FIRST YU-GI-OH VICTORY! YES!!!

_Gooper Blooper throws down his cards in disgust and leaves. Mario hops down the shaft it was blocking._

**Mario:** Hey, look! The Shine Sprite!

_Mario lands beside it rather than on it, splatting into the ground and leaving a human-shaped print in the ground. He unpeels and re-inflates himself, then grabs the Shine Sprite._

**Narrator:** And now that all that junk is out of the way, we get to where Mario has left off...on episode 3, unaware of the terrible plot unfolding before him....

**Noki Teacher:** _[spitefully]_ So you survived, did you?

**Mario:** Huh?

**Noki Teacher:** I mean...you survived and got the treasure! Congratulations! Kudos to you! Now, I think I have deduced the problem with the water! It lies at the bottom of the bay. A giant eel has a very dirty mouth!

**Mario:** So why doesn't he clean it?

**Noki Teacher:** That's a good question! Which is why you should be the one who goes and does it! And for that, you must practice.

_He hands Mario a glass helmet._

**Mario:** This is a fish bowl.

**Noki Teacher:** Yes, but it works!

**Mario:** With the fish still in it.

**Noki Teacher:** Put it on! Put it on!

_Mario hesitantly puts it on his head, dumping the water and the fish all over him. He glares at the Noki Teacher, who from here on will be known as NT._

**NT:** I have found just the training course for you!

_NT pulls out a bottle from behind him and sets it in between them. Mario stares at it in disbelief._

**Mario:** And I am supposed to get inside there how?

**NT:** Well, I'm sure it's a tight squeeze, but you can do it, alright!

**Mario:** I don't know that I--

_NT grabs Mario and tries to squeeze him in. Mario shouts, panics, and tries to pull his head back out, but NT wins and shoves him all the way in. Mario opens his eyes and finds himself shrunken inside the bottle._

**Mario:** There is no logical explanation for this.

_NT, who appears to be roughly three hundred times the size of Mario, shakes the bottle wildly._

**NT:** IS IT WORKING ALRIGHT!?!?!

**Mario:** Not so loud! I can't cover my ears!

**NT:** Great, now be a good boy and DROWN BEFORE YOU CAN FIND THE EIGHT RED COINS!! AHAHAHAHA!!!

**Mario:** This guy is a psychopath!

**FLUDD:** Your only shot at survival is to find the red coins before your air supply runs out. Oh, and I would beware of the man-eating fish and the currents that sweep you around.

**Mario:** That makes me feel so much better, doesn't it? Well, where are they?

**FLUDD:** Take a look around.

_Mario sees some shining red dots around the bottle. He decides that using the Hover Nozzle would be the best choice. He starts to hover up but goes out of control and rockets around the bottle._

**Mario:** I can't see!

**FLUDD:** Stop using my Hover Nozzle then!

_Mario lets go and finds that five of the red coins have already been collected. He breathes a sigh of relief._

**NT:** What? Impossible! My well-devised scheme isn't working!

_Mario sinks to the bottom and walks slowly through the water._

**Mario:** That's one small step for man, one giant leap for Mario!

**FLUDD:** Mario, you do understand that your air supply is running out, right?

**Mario:** Ah, jeez, it is. And this bowl kinda smells like fish poo.

_Mario gets two more red coins, leaving one left._

**NT:** This is impossible! He's actually doing it! Well, I guess I'd better nip it in the bud! So long, Mario!

_NT grabs the bottle by the neck and smashes it into the ground. Glass and water go flying everywhere. Mario sits, dazed, on the ground, still one inch high. He takes the fish bowl, which has a crack, off his head._

**NT:** When I'm through with you, no one will know where the man with the overalls went!

_Mario screams and narrowly dodges NT's thumb, jumping out of the way just in time._

**Mario:** Quick! Where's the last red coin!?

**FLUDD:** You might want to try that red object getting closer and closer to the edge.

_Mario runs in slow motion towards the red coin, arms outstretched. NT raises his foot and brings it down on Mario. Mario is now stuck on the bottom of his shoe._

**NT:** That should teach you to--hey, where'd he go? He disappeared!

**Mario:** Psst...hey, FLUDD! How do I get out of this?

**FLUDD:** If you hadn't taken one small step for man, you might have gotten the last red coin in time.

**Mario:** I didn't ask you that! I asked how to get off the bottom of his shoe!

**NT:** Where's that voice coming from!?! Who's there!?!

**FLUDD:** Because I don't want to spend life stuck on the bottom of his shoe...use my Hover Nozzle.

_Mario uses the Hover Nozzle and detaches himself from the shoe. He lands in front of the red coin and grabs it just before it falls over the edge._

**Mario:** So long, Mr. Psychopath! I'm getting out of here!

_The Shine Sprite appears on the other side of the rock. Mario's hope fades._

**NT:** Oh, so there you are! Still alive, are you?

_Mario makes a run for the Shine Sprite. He jumps out of the way of his foot and narrowly avoids getting caught in his hand. NT bends down and blows at him. To Mario, it's like an F5 tornado has just descended. He gets blown to the edge and struggles to hold on._

**Mario:** What now, FLUDD?

**NT's Student:** Master? What are you doing?

**NT:** Go away! I'm busy!

**NT's Student:** It looked like you were blowing and yelling at an ant. I'm just wondering if maybe you've finally crossed the line like we all thought you would--

**NT:** Like who all thought I would!?! Are you saying everyone thinks I'm crazy!?!

**Mario:** Frankly, I KNOW you are!

_In the distraction, Mario has ran back to the Shine Sprite and seized it. He waves goodbye to NT and disappears._

_Back in Delfino Plaza, Mario is normal sized._

**Mario:** Well, that was...very interesting.

**Pianta Speaker:** Hey! It's Mr. Life Ruiner again! I'm going to kill you, you jerk!

_Mario takes off running again as the Pianta Speaker gives him the biggest workout of his life. FLUDD watches from Mario's back with amusement._


	15. Giant Eels, Angry Mobs, and Shine Towers

**Mario:** Now, don't say I don't know how you feel, 'cause I do. There have been many times in my life where I've been so angry, I don't even know what to do. And it's a natural feeling. Anger is there. But you've got to know how to channel it. What is anger, really? It causes hurt and hate and strife. Wars would never start. Everything would be peaceful. People just need to learn to control their anger.

_Mario can't speak long because the blood is rushing to his head. The Pianta Speaker is dangling him from his legs over the top of the Shine Tower. A crowd of people way down below have gathered at its foot to watch in suspense._

**Pianta Speaker:** Statue...cork...kill....

**Mario:** And, I mean, think about it! Do you really want to have been known as the man that killed another guy by dropping him from the tallest building on the island?

**Pianta Speaker:** Searching...sixteen....

**Mario:** Alright, listen! It was an accident! I had no control over that giant cork! This is all just one big misunderstanding!

_A helicopter flies overhead, and a Pianta with a speaker calls out._

**Helicopter Pianta:** We have you surrounded! Please pull the boy back up and surrender yourself!

**Pianta Speaker:** But this is the guy who demolished the Man of the Wilderness!

**Helicopter Pianta:** Oh. Let him fly, then.

**Mario:** Wait! You can't do this to meeeeeeeee!!!!

_Mario has just been dropped from the Shine Tower. Reacting on impulse, he activates his Hover Nozzle._

**Mario:** Ha ha! You thought you had ol' Mario, huh!

_The Hover Nozzle stops working after reaching his limit. Mario hangs in midair for a second, then drops like a rock into the midst of the crowd._

**Pianta:** Get him!!

_Mario takes off running, heading for Noki Bay. The crowd is hot on his heels, throwing things from barrels to coconuts to each other at him. Mario jumps over a toolbox aimed for his heels and rounds the corner to the beam of sunlight that will take him to the bay. He is feet from it...until he trips and lands on his face. The crowd catches up to him, and a Pianta forcefully pulls him back up by his hair._

**Pianta #1:** Here you are, you little snot-nosed creature!

**Pianta #2:** What do you say we should do with him?

**Mario:** Tag him and release him back into the wild!

**Pianta #1:** _[punches Mario in the face]_ Shut up!

**Pianta #3:** I say we tie him to a speedboat and let it go!

**Pianta #4:** I say we drop him into the watermelon shredder at Gelato Beach!

**Mario:** Please don't!

**Pianta Boy:** I say we tear out his fingernails and feed them to him in a smoothie!

**Mario:** What's wrong with you, boy!?!

**Pianta #5:** Well, how about we--

**Mario:** Wait! Wait! I have an idea!

_Pianta #1 raises his fist again. Mario quails under it, but he doesn't get punched._

**Mario:** There's a giant eel in Noki Bay! How about you feed me to him?

**Pianta #27:** That's an awesome idea!

**Pianta #46:** Yeah, we should totally do it!

**Pianta Boy:** I wanna see when the water turns red!

**Mario:** What kind of movies do they make you watch, Platoon!?!

**Pianta Boy:** Nah, that was too tame.

**Mario:** .................

**Pianta #1:** It's decided, then! We'll throw him into the water at Noki Bay!

_The Piantas march him off, despite the fact that the beam of sunlight is right behind them._

**Mario:** Wait! There's a shortcut to--

**Pianta #1:** Shut up or the next one's going in the gut!

_Mario wisely stays silent as they begin the long walk to Noki Bay._

_A few hours later...._

**Mario:** FLUDD, you were totally no help back there!

**FLUDD:** I was interested in hearing what vile tortures they could conjure up.

**Mario:** You could have talked them out of this, I know it!

**FLUDD:** Shouldn't you be thankful that I didn't talk them INTO something nastier?

**Mario:** You have a point.

**Pianta #1:** Enough chitchat! You're going into the water on three! One....

_Mario tries to struggle out of his ropes, but to no avail._

**Pianta #1:** Two....

**Mario:** Listen, I think this is--

**Pianta #1:** Three!

**NT:** Hey, stop!! What are you doing!?!

_The crowd of Piantas turn around and watch the running old Noki. A Pianta angrily stomps his foot._

**NT:** What kind of madness is this, pushing the boy tied up into the bay!?!

**Mario:** Gee, thanks!

**NT:** Why not give him this fish bowl and let him clean out the eel's teeth? If he cleans the eel's teeth, the bay is saved from pollution, and if he dies, there's no more plumber!

**Crowd:** Yeah!

**Mario:** I should have known there'd be something else attached to it.

_The crowd unties him and crams the fish bowl on his head. He's pushed forcefully into the water. Knowing he can't escape anyway, he swims toward the waterfall. He gets pushed under to a set of dark, watery ruins._

**Mario:** That was a close one. That old Noki actually saved me back there!

**FLUDD:** Unless you drown, get eaten, are attacked by any of the aggressive sea creatures living down here....

**Mario:** Alright, I get it. Now where's this eel?

**FLUDD:** Have you tried the huge head staring at you down below?

_Mario gives a cry of surprise as he sees a giant eel staring at him. He calms down and sinks to the ground level._

**Mario:** So this thing needs its teeth cleaned? ...Hey! I just realized! It's got a _foul mouth!!_ Ha ha ha ha!!!

**FLUDD:** That was, maybe, one of the worst jokes I've ever heard.

**Mario:** But now there's the problem of getting into its mouth, which is going to be completely disgusting.

_As if on cue, the eel outstretches its head and opens its mouth. Mario shrugs and hovers into it._

**Mario:** Aw, man! Look at all this junk! What's he eat for lunch, axle grease? And how am I supposed to scrape this off? A toothbrush?

**FLUDD:** You might try my Squirt Nozzle.

_Mario sprays the Squirt Nozzle and easily cleans off one of the teeth. Satisfied, Mario sits back and admires his work._

**Mario:** Wow...at this rate, it'll be almost TOO quick and easy! Almost makes me wish he'd--

_The eel clamps its mouth down and retracts its head back down._

**Mario:** ...Put up a fight.

**FLUDD:** Nice going, Moronio. You have now just gotten us locked in some giant beast's filthy mouth.

**Mario:** It's alright! The goal is to clean his teeth, right? So all we need is some light!

**FLUDD:** And where would we find light here?

**Mario:** Do you have a match?

**FLUDD:** Yes, let's light a match underwater.

**Mario:** Hey, Mr. Eel? Can you open up your mouth again?

_Nothing happens._

**Mario:** Perhaps we just need to speak Eel. WEEE need YOOUUU to OOOOOH-PEEEEEN UUUPP!!!

_The eel roars something loud without even opening its mouth. Mario tries to cover his ears but just winds up putting his hands on either side of the bowl._

**Mario:** This strategy isn't working. And my oxygen's going low! Now what!?!

**FLUDD:** Think. How can you open up his mouth?

**Mario:** Oh, I've got it!

_He hovers over to the inside of the eel's lips, grabs both lips, and tugs with all his might. Nothing happens except for his back snapping in half._

**Mario:** Could you put me back together, FLUDD?

**FLUDD:** I have no arms, you idiot.

_Mario reaches back, reattaches himself, sits on the uvula of the eel, and thinks._

**Mario:** How am I suppose to get his mouth open again?

**FLUDD:** It should be obvious.

**Mario:** ...Tickle it?

**FLUDD:** Yes.

_Mario grabs the inside of the eel's cheek and rubs. The eel starts chuckling and shaking. Mario rubs even harder, and the eel bursts out laughing. Mario swims in between its jaws, places his hands and feet on both jaws, and sprays water like a maniac. The eel starts to close its mouth, and Mario's limbs quake._

**Mario:** It's only a little bit more...just one more tooth....

_Angered, the eel clamps its jaws even harder. Very slowly, its jaws are getting closer and closer. After a few seconds, Mario's knees are up by his head._

**Mario:** Got it! The last tooth!

_A golden tooth floats out of the eel's mouth and turns into a Shine Sprite._

**Mario:** F-FLUDD, y-you wouldn't m-mind tickling it ag-gain, w-would you?

**FLUDD:** Just use the Hover Nozzle and float out.

_Before he is completely crushed, Mario hovers out. The eel snaps its jaws shut and retracts into the ground. Mario grabs the Shine Sprite and hugs it to him like a teddy bear._

**Mario:** O, Shine Sprite, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways....

**FLUDD:** Speaking of counting, you can count on the fact that you'll be dead within moments if you do not get out of here.

**Mario:** Oh, geez! You're right!

_Before he suffocates, Mario teleports out of the stage. Which could, of course, create a number of problems in it's own, but you don't have to use your imagination to figure out what kinds of problems._


	16. Death Traps, Little Morons, and Agents

_Back in Delfino Plaza, Piantas are running around frantically. A Pianta and a short man wearing a trench coat and sunglasses sit on a bench, watching the action lazily._

**Pianta:** Sure is a busy day, huh, mister?

**Strange Guy:** Vhy, yes eet eez.

**Pianta:** Oh, not from around here, are you? Where do you come from?

**Strange Guy:** My kunterey eez fah acuoss zeh sea, my fuend. Fahzeh zen you can eemagine.

**Strange Water Device:** He lives in a village five miles from here.

**Strange Guy:** Yes, but befoh zat, I leeved een a fahaway kunterey.

**Pianta:** Ah. So, what's the talking device on your back?

**Strange Guy:** Zees eez my tuacking deevice, STING, vhich stands foh Supeh Telephon Incuedible Next Geenger.

**Pianta:** Super Telephone Incredible Next Ginger? Pardon my saying so, but that's a strange title. Why's it called that?

**Strange Guy:** BECOZZ EET EEZ, ALUIGHT? DAHNT BOZZEH ME ABOUT EET!

_The Pianta holds up his hands apologetically. They sit in silence for a bit. Another Pianta runs around the corner. After looking back and forth, he turns to the Strange Guy._

**Another Pianta:** Hey, you! Did you see a guy with a red cap and blue overalls come running through here?

**Strange Guy:** I dahnt no vat you ah talking about.

_Another Pianta shakes his head and runs off again. Seconds later, yet another Pianta rounds the corner. When he sees the Strange Guy, he narrows his eyes._

**Yet Another Pianta:** Hey, I know you, don't I?

**Strange Guy:** No. Nevah seen you befoh.

**Yet Another Pianta:** Yeah, I do know you. That accent...that coat...WHERE'S MY COUSIN ERNIE?

**Strange Guy:** Vat?

**Yet Another Pianta:** _[seizing Strange Guy by the collar and shaking]_ ERNIE WAS JUST AN INNOCENT, WORKING-CLASS PIANTA! WHY DID YOU TAKE HIM? GIVE HIM BACK!

**Strange Guy:** Dude, what the heck are you talking about?

**Yet Another Pianta:** I knew that phony accent of yours was fake! Well, I've been training for the last eleven years to have my revenge, and now the time has come! Prepare to meet your end, Wistermeyer!

**Pianta:** Hey, what's going on here?

**Strange Guy:** You're psycho! I'm getting out of here!

_Strange Guy and Yet Another Pianta run off, the latter shouting insults and obscenities as he chases._

**Strange Guy:** Why does everybody here want me just so they can kill me?

**Strange Water Device:** Could it be you've ruined all their lives?

**Strange Guy:** Besides that!

_Strange Guy makes it to the beam of light and looks up into it, teleporting away. Yet Another Pianta stops where he was and looks around, but doesn't find him._

**Yet Another Pianta:** CURSE YOU, WISTERMEYER! YOU'LL PAY ONE DAY!

_In Noki Bay, Strange Guy rips off the trench coat and sunglasses and throws them aside, revealing himself to be Mario._

**Mario:** Well, that disguise is moot now. I'm going to have to find another one.

**NT:** Oh, back for more, are you? They haven't ripped you apart yet?

**Mario:** Not yet. What else do you have in store for me? I'm getting bored of this bay. I always hated water levels.

**NT:** Well, you've checked out the secret in the shell...

_Another trip down memory lane. Mario makes it to the giant shell above Noki Bay and enters it. Forgetting about Shadow Mario, FLUDD gets snatched from him._

**Mario:** I hate that. He's dedicated to making me die the most painful way possible: humiliation. I suppose I've got no choice but to go forward.

_Mario hops across the first few obstacles easily enough. He arrives at the slope with the pole above it. He tries running up it, but slides down and off a cliff. He screams until he lands on one of the moving platforms._

**Mario:** Heh...looks like my luck hasn't run out yet!

_The platform moves under a ledge, shoving Mario off. He loses a life and returns to the spot he started in._

**Mario:** I've always wondered how I teleport back here. This game makes no sense. The entire SERIES makes no sense! Think about it: I eat fungus to grow huge so I can step on talking mushrooms and walking bombs, and my goal is to rescue a princess also named after fungus from a horde of evil turtles! Am I the only one who sees something wrong here?

_The Nintendo Secret Service agents suddenly arrive on the scene and hit him in the neck with a tranquilizer dart. Mario gurgles out a few words before collapsing backwards into their arms._

**Agent 1:** He knows too much.

**Agent 2:** Should we assassinate him?

**Agent 1:** No, the franchise is too popular to risk that. Besides, can you imagine finding a new mascot? It'd be pure terror.

**Agent 2:** Memory modifier?

**Agent 1:** Yeah, I'd say that's best. But if it happens again, we'll have to take it up a notch.

_Agent 2 pulls out a ray gun and shoots it at Mario's head. A beam comes out and attaches to his forehead. After a few seconds, he puts the gun away._

**Agent 2:** It's done.

**Agent 1:** Good. Let's get out of here.

_A few minutes later, Mario wakes up._

**Mario:** Whoa, it feels like there's an alien in my head trying to force its way out...what a headache. What was I doing before I blacked out? I can't remember. Oh, well, I suppose I better beat this level.

_Mario arrives back at the slope. Remembering vaguely his previous attempt, he decides to wall jump up the extremely narrow walls. He successfully kicks off the first, then misses the second and falls. He clings onto the edge and screams one high-pitched note for twenty seconds before he realizes he's still there._

**Mario:** Oh, I'm still alive. Man, this stinks! FLUDD would make this so much easier...heck, I don't need FLUDD! I can do this myself! His own name belies his sadistic intelligence: unuseful isn't a word!

**Raykura-kura:** Told you.

**Mario:** Thank you for backing me up, friendly reviewer. Now, let me try this again! I can do it!

_Thirty suspenseful minutes later, he finally reaches the end and gets the Shine Sprite. The scene returns to the present in Noki Bay._

**Mario:** My memory is strangely foggy then.

**NT:** And before that, you raced that Il Piantissimo guy...

_Yet another trip down memory lane. Mario meets up with a guy shorter than he is and dressed up like a purple Pianta in Noki Bay._

**Mario:** Hey, I remember you. You were that moron from Gelato Beach.

**Il Piantissimo:** I am no moron! I am the greatest of racers! And now, we shall race to that flag!

**Mario:** Says who?

**Il Piantissimo:** One...

**Mario:** You still haven't answered my question.

**Il Piantissimo:** Two...

**Mario:** Do anything I don't approve of, and I will mess you up big time.

**FLUDD:** You must race him for a Shine Sprite.

**Mario:** _[rolling his eyes]_ Oh, do I?

**Il Piantissimo:** Three! May the best-

_Mario trips Il Piantissimo, sending him plummeting over the edge of the cliff and into the section of the bay marked "Do not swim here unless you have a fetish where fish eat the flesh off your bones." As Il Piantissimo flails, Mario swims casually to the flag and claims his Shine Sprite._

**Mario:** Say, whatever happened to him?

**NT:** He was sent to the hospital. He says he'll return for his revenge as Cyber Piantissimo.

**Mario:** I suppose I'd better bite my fingernails and shiver. My last mission was another Shadow Mario affair, wasn't it?

_A third trip down memory lane. Mario is chasing Shadow Mario in Noki Bay, spraying water at him. Shadow Mario finally falls on his face._

**Shadow Mario:** Seriously, why do I do this?

**Mario:** Because you're an idiot is one possibility.

**FLUDD:** You're one to be talking.

**Mario:** It's friendly advice from idiot to idiot.

_Mario takes the Shine Sprite and leaves. The scene shifts back to the present day once more._

**Mario:** That was the shortest memory yet. There should be one last episode here, right?

**NT:** Why, yes, in fact. The Nokis of this bay and I, we've come up with a "gift" for all the hard work you've done.

**Mario:** Why the quotation marks around the word gift?

**NT:** What quotation marks? I don't see any quotation marks!

**FLUDD:** Did you just see something invisible?

**Mario:** Come to think of it, I did. Hey, I see this episode's title now! Episode 8: The Red Coin Fish! Wait, is that the gift...or "gift"?

**NT:** Uh, yeah, it's down at *cough*thebottomofthebay*cough*.

**Mario:** Huh?

**NT:** So, you'd best get going, sonny! Put on the fish bowl-I mean, glass helmet-and claim your prize!

_Before Mario can say anything, the fish bowl is crammed onto his head, and he's thrown under the waterfall. He arrives back down at the underwater city._

**Mario:** I smell something suspicious.

**FLUDD:** Of course. Every time the Noki Teacher gives you an assignment involving this helmet, it's actually a death trap.

**Mario:** No, I mean there's more than fish poo in here. What the heck was in this thing?

_Mario looks down and spots a large fish made of many yellow coins and 8 red coins._

**Mario:** That looks like it! This'll be a piece of cake!

**FLUDD:** Those are famous last words.

**Mario:** Famous last words? What are you talking about?

**FLUDD:** Two hundred years ago, a Toad general nicknamed "Ignorant Joe" by his subordinates led a battle charge with the cry, "This'll be a piece of cake." A few seconds later, he was shot and killed instantly.

_Shrugging his shoulders, Mario dives down to the red coin fish's level and swims after it. He reaches for a red coin. His fingers are inches away from it when the fish suddenly splits apart and coins fly all around the room. Gritting his teeth, Mario looks up to see NT in a fishing boat, holding a remote controller in his hands and grinning evilly._

**NT:** You've escaped death this far, but how long will your luck carry you? Hmm?

_A few seconds later, the fish reassembles itself._

**NT:** Oooooh, it's back together! Better swim quickly, you little maggot!

_Mario uses FLUDD's Hover Nozzle to blast himself toward it. NT's smile slowly begins to fade._

**NT:** Wait...that's not supposed to happen...

_Mario grabs two of the red coins._

**NT:** Darn you, split apart!

_The fish splits apart again. NT cackles maniacally._

**NT:** You'll never win, Mario! With this remote in my hands, I can manipulate the fish at will! This isn't a gift! It's a death trap!

_A giant stalk of kelp rises out of the water and waves around slowly._

**NT:** Ha ha! What are you going to do, tickle me to death? You have no chance at surviving!

_The kelp rubs against the boat. Now that Mario's found his target, he rears back and swings with all his might. The boat wobbles and gets filled with water. The kelp smacks the boat again, tipping it over. NT falls into the bay._

**NT:** Very clever, Mario, but you forget I still have control of the-

_NT moves the joystick forward, but nothing happens. Furrowing his brow, he jerks it back and forth. No response._

**NT:** Darn it, I knew I should have bought the Waterproof Version! But noooo, I had to be too cheap! My plan is ruined now!

_With no control over the fish, all the coins simply ram into a wall and stay there. Mario collects them all and a Shine Sprite appears._

**Mario:** Thanks for the advice, FLUDD!

**FLUDD:** I wasn't about to be stuck at the bottom of a bay still attached to a moron's dead body.

_Mario grabs the Shine Sprite and teleports back to Delfino Plaza and takes the fish bowl off his head._

**Mario:** About time. I was sick of that place and that crazy Noki's schemes.

**Yet Another Pianta:** Hey, you!

**Mario:** Huh?

**Yet Another Pianta:** Have you seen a shady character walking around here? He was wearing a trench coat and sunglasses, and you can smell the evil emanating from him.

**Mario:** Uh, no, nobody like that.

**Yet Another Pianta:** He pretends like he's got a weird accent, but in reality he's this moron with a stupidly high-pitched voice. Sure you haven't seen him?

**Mario:** No, I haven't! And don't be so harsh on him-he sounds like he might be a pretty cool guy.

**Yet Another Pianta:** THEY TOOK ERNIE! I WON'T REST UNTIL I SEE JUSTICE EXACTED! ...Sorry, didn't mean to yell like that. Anyway, I'd better get back to looking for this Mario guy.

_Yet Another Pianta walks away. Mario exhales deeply._

**Mario:** Where to next, FLUDD?

**FLUDD:** It's that building with a fruit sticking out of it. It will lead you to Sirena Beach.

**Mario:** Hey, isn't that the place with the 3-star hotel? Sweet! That'll be the best place ever!

**Some Pianta:** Hey, it's that guy, Mario! Everybody, he's over here!

**Mario:** And the ridiculous chase resumes itself. Man, I've got to do something about this.


	17. Speeches, Yoshi Eggs, and Skyward Sword

**Mario:** _[while running for his life]_ You guys have got it all wrong! The whole Man of the Wilderness thing was a complete accident! And the Sand Bird fiasco? I never intended that!

**Pianta #1:** Oh, so you DID kill the Sand Bird, did you?

**Mario:** Kinda sorta maybe a little bit!

_Mario rounds a corner for the umpteenth time and slips on the wet pavement. He goes sliding into a building, stars dancing above his head. His vision upside-down, he sees an army of Piantas rushing at him. As soon as he recovers from his heart attack, he leaps to his feet and climbs up the nearest building._

**Mario:** FLUDD, can Piantas climb?

**FLUDD:** Don't worry. You're safe up here.

**Mario:** Really?

**FLUDD:** No. You're going to die.

_Mario screams at the top of his lungs and cries like a baby. He is snapped back to his senses when a wrench is thrown at him. Wiping away his tears, he runs up the nearby tower, inching along the wall so that he doesn't fall off. A toolbox explodes next to his head, showering him with tools. A coconut hits him in the face, obscuring his vision with white._

**Mario:** FLUDD? Am I in heaven? All I see is white.

**FLUDD:** Yes. All is well. When you take the mask off your face and look down, you'll see a choir of angels singing. It's a beautiful sight.

**Mario:** Cool! I wanna see!

_Mario takes the coconut off his face and looks down - four stories below where a mob is shouting obscenities at him and demanding his head. When he recovers from his second heart attack, he grabs FLUDD by the nozzle and squeezes, gritting his teeth._

**FLUDD:** What are you attempting to do? Choke me?

**Mario:** If it'll make me feel better! Why can't you ever be supportive for once? I'm half-standing on air!

_A helicopter flies up to the building, turning to the side to reveal a sniper. Mario ducks to avoid being shot and narrowly dodges a bullet. Next he sees a tank rolling towards him down below. It stops and slowly raises its nose up. Before Mario can shout "Holy POW Block!" as loud as he can, the roof above him is demolished._

**Mario:** Why are they so anxious to kill me?

**FLUDD:** It might have been that foolish comment about you killing the Sand Bird. Want me to add to the list of things you've done?

**Mario:** No thank you. I'll be lucky to have my limbs ripped off at this rate. _[raising his voice]_ Listen, my Pianta friends! I have something important to say!

**Pianta #36:** Then say it!

**Mario:** Well, I -

**Pianta #36:** Good enough! Let's kill him!

**Mario:** No, wait! I'll admit it - I destroyed the Man of the Wilderness. I killed the Sand Bird. I destroyed the fish around Pinna Island. All of that was an accident! I had no control over what happened, and if I did, there was no way I could have predicted what would happen next!

**Pianta #36:** Yeah, sure, let's believe the guy who polluted our whole island! That makes sense!

**Mario:** Speaking of making sense, don't you guys ever think? Doesn't it seem strange that the island became polluted BEFORE I arrived?

**Pianta #27:** Come to think of it...

**Pianta #5:** He's right!

**FLUDD:** Did you just use basic logic, Mario?

**Mario:** Believe it or not, yes, I have an IQ! _[turning back to the mob]_ And Shadow Mario! He's blue! I'm normal! How many of you need glasses to figure that out?

_Every Pianta raises its hand. Mario does his best to ignore them._

**Mario:** So the point is, everybody makes mistakes! I didn't mean for any of that stuff to happen, and I'm truly sorry that it did! But I have some missions - to clean up this island, to gain back the Shine Sprites, and to rescue a princess that won't freaking accept any adequate security measures! I've chosen to embrace my sense of duty and help the inhabitants of this island! And now I ask you to embrace forgiveness and mercy! I come to you in complete and total contrition!

_The Piantas burst into tears. The sniper, crying, falls out of the helicopter, but nobody notices._

**Pianta #12:** _[hugging Pianta #24]_ I'm sorry I made you eat a slug when you were 5!

**Pianta #39:** I'm sorry, Jeremy! I actually did steal your McBob-Omb's toy and hid it under my couch!

_Mario sighs at the scene below him. He's off the hook._

**FLUDD:** "I've chosen to embrace my sense of duty"? Need I remind you that the government forced you into service and you've complained ever since?

**Mario:** Well, don't tell them that.

**FLUDD:** At any rate, you need to get into Sirena Beach, so I suggest getting a move on.

_Nodding, Mario turns and walks away, straight off the edge of the building. He activates his Hover Nozzle on instinct, which makes him plummet faster into the ground. Every living creature within a ten mile radius looks up and wonders what that exploding sound was. Birds, startled, fly off of trees. A plume of smoke rises from Delfino Plaza._

**Cannon Pianta:** Wasn't me this time.

_Mario opens his eyes. He has stopped falling with his head inches away from a stalagmite. Looking up, he sees numerous holes leading up to the surface about a mile away. He stands up carefully to avoid impaling himself on the stalagmite and straightens up. To his left, a man with a neat hairdo and extravagant clothing stares at him in surprise._

**Elvis Presley:** Good graveh! Shomebody'sh dishcovered mah hideout!

**Mario:** Elvis! I knew you weren't dead!

_Elvis hastily grabs a few bags and takes off running down the cave. Mario frowns, disappointed that he didn't get an autograph. Shrugging, he climbs all the way back to the surface and pops his head out the first giant hole._

**Mario:** _[brushing a spider off of him]_ Eew. So, where are we going next? That big building with the fruit on it?

**FLUDD:** Yes, but you can't enter it with your own abilities.

**Mario:** Crap! Then how do I get in?

**Shadow Mario:** I have conveniently shown up with a Yoshi egg!

**Mario:** What a shocking coincidence! Perhaps this young Yoshi's powers will help me through to Sirena Beach!

_Mario takes off down Delfino Plaza in pursuit of the shadowy perpetrator, spraying water at him. Shadow Mario pulls off some fancy moves in slow motion and flips up to a building. Mario attempts to do the same thing but misses the building and lands headfirst in a bucket. After yanking his head out, he wisely climbs up a ladder and continues the chase. He shoots several streams of water at Shadow Mario, who leans back and dodges them in slow motion._

**Mario:** When did he get this good? And more importantly, when did I get this bad?

_Mario runs up to him and throws several punches and kicks. Shadow Mario blocks them all and pushes him back, then hops off the building and runs away. Mario jumps off, lands on his belly, and continues the chase despite his aching stomach._

**Shadow Mario:** Ha! With my new training, you'll never stop me! I've become better than you, Mario, face it! You're just a -

_Whatever Shadow Mario was about to say next is lost as he falls down the hole Mario had created earlier, dropping the egg off to the side. After many agonizing seconds, a crash is heard, accompanied by a cry of "Mah goodnesh, what do you want nao, boi?"_

**Mario:** All the training didn't help him there. Alright, Yoshi, wake up!

_The egg stirs a little bit. Rather than hatching, a thought bubble appears._

**Mario:** With my new Hypothetical Object Seer ability, I can see this thought bubble! It's got a coconut in it! Do you want a coconut, boy? Just hang tight!

_Mario runs off to the market and looks at the selection. Seeing a coconut, he grabs one and starts to run off._

**Stand Owner:** Whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy! Aren't you forgetting something?

_Mario stops and stares at the Stand Owner curiously._

**Stand Owner:** Payment, maybe?

**Mario:** You mean you actually have to pay for food that people work hard to supply?

**Stand Owner:** _[nodding slowly with a sarcastic smile]_ Yeah, now pay up.

**Mario:** _[holding the coconut protectively]_ It's for a good cause.

**Stand Owner:** I don't care if it's going to cure cancer! You take it, you pay for it!

**Mario:** _[sighing]_ How much does it cost?

**Stand Owner:** 15 coins. Do you have it or not?

**Mario:** 15 coins? You can climb up any palm tree and pluck a coconut out for free!

**Stand Owner:** Alright, so here's how it works. The trees are infested with killer ants, snakes, and the occasional monkey. Fighting through all that, you've got to detach one or more coconuts with one arm, and the tree's residents don't always like that. So while you're fighting off a horde of Delfino Wasps, you slide back down the tree and run for your life, where the coconut is then cleaned into something that doesn't poison you when you eat it. Then you go out and repeat the process. The least you could do is support our effort!

_Rolling his eyes, Mario pulls out 15 coins and throws them in a jar._

**Stand Owner:** Thank you. The coconut is now yours.

_Mario walks back to the Yoshi egg and holds the coconut in front of it. However, to his surprise, the Yoshi's thought bubble has changed to a durian._

**Mario:** What? I thought you wanted a coconut!

_When the Yoshi egg doesn't respond, Mario drops the coconut in disgust and seeks out a durian lying underneath a house. He attempts to pick it up but cuts himself._

**Mario:** Great! How do I get this over to the egg?

**FLUDD:** You have to kick it.

_Mario kicks the durian with a small bit of force. The durian goes flying away at blinding speed, ricocheting off the buildings until it hits Mario square between the eyes. Mario throws himself on the ground and slams the pavement with his limbs._

**Mario:** OW! IT'S STUCK! IT'S STUCK IN MY HEAD! GET IT OUT!

**FLUDD:** That part's up to you. No matter how you do it, it'll be painful.

_Grimacing, Mario reaches up and grabs the durian, pulling it out. The points of the durian stick through his fingers, leaving Mario to mouth obscenities and curses silently. While it's still in his hands (quite literally), he runs to the Yoshi egg and drops the durian._

**Mario:** There, I nearly killed myself to get you some food! Durians aren't even supposed to be that spiky!

_The Yoshi egg shows happiness, then creates another thought bubble._

**Mario:** What? A cheesy children's action figure? Why can't you just hatch already?

_Knowing there's no other way, Mario walks off to the nearest store, grumbling. Placing his hands on the counter and leaning in, he glares at the cashier._

**Mario:** Do you have any Limited Edition action figures of Adolescent Distorted Karate Koopas? Please tell me you do, because my life will be made much harder if you don't.

**Cashier:** I get that a lot. Which one do you want?

**Mario:** The best of them all! Picasso!

**Cashier:** I'll be back in a second.

_The cashier disappears into the store for a few moments and soon returns with a little plastic snarling Koopa wielding a pair of kamas._

**Mario:** How much is this gonna cost me?

**Cashier:** Well, most Adolescent Distorted Karate Koopas are 8 coins.

**Mario:** Great. Here's your -

**Cashier:** But since this is a Limited Edition, that cranks it up to 20 coins.

**Mario:** 20 coins for a little toy? Alright, fine, here's your -

**Cashier:** And since we're one of the only stores that still has one of the few remaining Limited Edition Picasso action figures, the real price would be around 42 coins.

**Mario:** Jeez laweez!

**Cashier:** Plus tax.

**Mario:** Is that all?

**Cashier:** Yup. That comes up to 43 coins.

_Mario slams the coins on the table, takes the action figure, and leaves. Back at the Yoshi egg, he sets Picasso on top of the shell._

**Mario:** There, happy? NOW will you hatch?

_The egg bounces up and down for joy. A few seconds pass with nothing happening. Mario finally thinks the Yoshi will hatch. To his chagrin, however, another thought bubble appears._

**Mario:** What? Skyward Sword? That game hasn't even been released yet!

_The egg repeats the image, this time with a frowny face._

**Mario:** Look, if I knew where to get it, I would, but the fact is if it ain't made, it ain't made!

_The thought bubble repeats itself, this time ten times as large and accompanied by hundreds of frowny faces. Growling, Mario stomps off and stops the nearest Pianta._

**Mario:** Hey, would you know where to get a copy of The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword?

**Pianta:** _[snorting]_ Dude, it hasn't been released yet! I know you're eager, but -

**Mario:** I also have to save the world, and I can't do that without reaching Sirena Beach! And I can't reach Sirena Beach without finding a way to remove that GINORMOUS pineapple from the pipe on that building! And that way involves buying Skyward Sword!

**Pianta:** Whatever you say, man. But hey, are you serious?

**Mario:** Dead serious.

**Pianta:** Well...there is ONE way, and it's not foolproof, and personally I wouldn't attempt it if you threatened to light me on fire and send me into the nearest bomb factory, but there's a way.

**Mario:** Honestly? I'm starting to think I'll never get to Sirena Beach!

**Pianta:** Well, you could just WALK there.

**Mario:** On second thought, let's hear that way of yours.

_Some time later, Mario finds himself in a manor, sitting at a table in a dimly lit room. Piantas dressed in trench coats guard the exit, and an aging Pianta in a business suit sits across from him. Mario licks his lips. Perhaps this was not the best idea after all._

**Aging Pianta:** _[talking in a high-pitched, wheezy voice] _It is fortunate that you come to me on the day of my daughter's wedding, as I am in high spirits. Now, what is it you ask of me?

**Mario:** Uh, yeah...you're Marlon Pianto, right?

_Marlon Pianto nods slowly._

**Mario:** Right...well, the thing is this: I have to get to Sirena Beach quickly. There's a pipe on a building that'll take me there, but a giant pineapple's stuck in it. You believe that? A giant pineapple?

_When nobody in the room laughs, Mario hesitantly resumes his request._

**Mario:** Well, a Yoshi should, in theory, get rid of it, but the Yoshi egg I've found isn't cooperating. You see, it wants...it wants a copy of Skyward Sword, even though it hasn't been released yet. And I heard through the grapevine that you, you know, get such things through certain channels. So, I'm requesting it.

**Marlon Pianto:** What will you give me in return?

**Mario:** Well, what do you want?

**Marlon Pianto:** Money. Favors. You know what my family likes.

_The Pianta guards laugh. Mario finds the situation anything but funny._

**Mario:** Would 63 coins suffice?

_Marlon Pianto laughs._

**Marlon Pianto:** For the trouble we went through to obtain it? You might as well be bargaining with a brick wall. I start to grow weary of your presence. Gentlemen, will you remove him from the premises?

**Mario:** Wait! I'm a very influential guy. I can give you all kinds of things, but just don't expect me to do anything...illegal. Is there anything in my power I can get you?

**Marlon Pianto:** That is an interesting device you have on your back.

**Mario:** Oh, FLUDD? He kinda helps me in my adventures, but I'm not going to pout if you take him.

**FLUDD:** Unless I Idiot Stopper you into oblivion.

**Mario:** There is that.

**Marlon Pianto:** If you give me this "flood" of yours, I will promise you a copy of a currently unreleased game.

**FLUDD:** That is an unacceptable trade. You see, if you remove me from Mario's back, I will self-destruct and bury you and your manor underneath a heap of rubble.

**Mario:** I thought you always wanted to get away from me.

**FLUDD:** I love to torment you.

**Mario:** This coming from a machine that claims to have no emotional attachments.

**Marlon Pianto:** You know, I like that machine's style. Keep your prize, Mario, and I will give you the game copy.

**Mario:** Seriously? Sweet!

**Marlon Pianto:** But I require your cap. You see, I have seen your cap several times before, and I must say I am fond of it.

_Mario, thunderstruck, removes his cap and passes it across the table. Marlon Pianto lifts the cap up and places it on his head._

**Marlon Pianto:** A pleasure doing business with you, my friend. Bugsy, go get the game box.

_The guard apparently named Bugsy lumbers out of the room and later returns with a plastic box featuring a game disc._

**Mario:** Wow. How'd you even get this? Wouldn't it be incomplete?

**Marlon Pianto:** I made them an offer they couldn't refuse.

**Mario:** Neat! Well, I'm out of here!

**Bugsy:** Don't feel like you gotta come back.

_Nodding his "thanks" to him, Mario leaves the manor as fast as possible. Outside the manor gate, he bends over and wipes his brow._

**Mario:** It's a shame I lost one of my hats, but no biggie.

_Mario pulls out another hat from his overalls and puts it on._

**Mario:** I learned from Super Mario 64! Now I carry spares!

**FLUDD:** Why don't you give the Yoshi egg its game disc and shut up?

_Ignoring FLUDD's comment, Mario walks back to the egg and lays the transparent box before it._

**Mario:** I finally got it for you. And hey...when you're done with it, can I play it?

_A thought bubble featuring a huge frowny face appears. Dismayed, Mario stands back, waiting for the egg to hatch. Rather than hatching, it simply explodes, showering him with yolk and eggshell. After Mario wipes the yolk from his eyes, he sees a purple Yoshi._

**Mario:** Hey, buddy! Glad you hatched!

**Yoshi:** _[in a voice that sounds filled with helium]_ Wow, the world is so big! And I can't wait to play the game you got me!

**Mario:** Yeah, just bear in mind it'll probably have a lot of bugs and glitches -

**Yoshi:** Bugs? I like bugs!

**Mario:** How do you know so much when you haven't even been outside your egg?

**Yoshi:** Because I knooooow thiiiiings...

**Mario:** Fine by me. _[hopping on Yoshi's back]_ Well, take me to that big pineapple!

_Yoshi and Mario travel up to the building and stand in front of the pipe. Wanting Yoshi to slurp with his tongue, Mario smacks the back of his head. When Yoshi doesn't do anything, he keeps smacking. Yoshi grabs him, throws him on the roof beneath him, and holds him by the throat._

**Yoshi:** Now you listen, you oversized, mustached, ignorant little meatball. I'll carry you, I'll spit juice for you, and I'll even eat things that give me indigestion. But if you ever, and I mean EVER, treat me like some dumb dinosaur that requires physical stimulation to get a drift, you will quickly find yourself at the bottom of a body of water marked for man-eating fish. Do you understand me?

**Mario:** None of the other Yoshis I rode gave me this speech!

**Yoshi:** DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

**Mario:** Alright, alright, yes! I get it!

**Yoshi:** Good.

_Yoshi throws Mario back into his saddle. Mario, more than a little shaken, mumbles for Yoshi to get rid of the pineapple._

**Yoshi:** This is gonna hurt, but because you asked so nicely, I'll do it just for you.

_Cracking his knuckles, Yoshi leans back and lashes out with his tongue, dragging the giant pineapple into his mouth. His belly instantly swells to the size of a couch, and the pineapple's leafy top can be seen jutting out. Groaning and squirming, Yoshi works to crush the fruit inside of him. Many cracks and squelches are heard inside of him. After a minute or two of struggling, Yoshi sits back and sighs._

**Yoshi:** Wow, I have enough vitamin C to last me for the next couple of decades. Why don't you go on ahead?

**Mario:** Yeah, thanks. That didn't cause any damage, did it?

**Yoshi:** Nope, not a problem. I mean, aside from the most excruciating pain one's ever felt in his or her life, no damage at all.

**Mario:** Yeesh. I'm beginning to doubt Yoshis are the cute, childish little dinosaurs that think about nothing but fruit and love.

_Questions whirling through his mind, Mario hops into the pipe, where he is taken to Sirena Beach._


	18. Sand Cones, Shadows, and Manta Tennis

_Mario falls screaming into the waters of Sirena Beach and swims up to the surface, hacking and coughing out the saltwater. To add insult to injury, FLUDD uses his Idiot Stopper while Mario's face is up. Choking, Mario falls beneath the waves, then resurfaces and coughs out the saltwater again. FLUDD uses his Idiot Stopper. The cycle repeats for five minutes until Mario, on the verge of death, toughs it out and swims to shore._

**Mario:** I hate you, FLUDD. I wish you would die.

**FLUDD:** I just couldn't resist.

_Looking like a drowned Goomba (and they don't look pretty), Mario crawls up the beach and lies like a lump. Two Noki kids run up with a ball and stop in their tracks._

**Noki Boy:** What is it?

**Noki Girl:** I think it's a sailor. You can tell from the cap.

**Noki Boy:** Why does it say "M"?

**Noki Girl:** Probably stands for "Moron." Why else would a man of the sea drown in shallow water?

**Noki Boy:** Yeah, look at that big nose.

**Noki Girl:** He's so fat, too.

**FLUDD:** I couldn't agree more.

**Noki Boy:** Now what's THAT thing?

**FLUDD:** This poor sailor drowned while rocking out to "Through the Fire Flowers and Flames" by Yoshiforce. Moron that he was, he tripped over the railing of his ship, and the electricity of his headphones fried what was left of his brain.

**Noki Boy:** I guess it does stand for Moron.

**Noki Girl:** It's only proper that we give him a decent burial, then.

_This "decent burial" consists of piling wet sand on him, packing it down, and placing his cap on the top. The Noki kids stand back in reverence._

**Noki Boy:** Goodbye, Sir Moron.

**Noki Girl:** I'm sure you were a nice, if stupid, person in life.

_They both bow solemnly and walk back to the hotel grounds. A few seconds later, Mario leans up and yawns, sand forming a perfect cone on his head. Scratching his back, he grabs his cap beside him and puts it on top of the cone._

**Mario:** What happened while I was asleep?

**FLUDD:** You died. Two innocent Noki children gave you a burial in sand.

**Mario:** _[not quite hearing everything FLUDD said]_ Hmm, that's nice. I guess I'd better go see what I need to do for this next Shine Sprite.

_Mario stands up and walks to the source of commotion further up the beach. Yellow and blue goop covers the area. The tip of Mario's shoe touches some, and it instantly burns away. It's only then that he notices the electricity crackling along its surface. Humming nervously, he continues on his walk. On his way, he meets two Nokis arguing with a fat Pianta woman under a hut._

**Noki Man:** But we're dying of thirst!

**Noki Woman:** Don't you have anything we could drink?

**Pianta Woman:** I'm sorry, we're all out of everything.

**Random Pianta Walking By:** Gee, this sure is a good smoothie that I bought two minutes ago! I can't wait to drink some more of the smoothies I saw lined up on the shelf behind you!

_The Random Pianta leaves. The Pianta Woman turns back to the two Nokis, who are glaring at her._

**Pianta Woman:** Okay, besides those drinks, we're all out.

**Noki Man:** Then give us those drinks!

**Pianta Woman:** Sorry, they're not for sale.

**Noki Woman:** Then why are they there?

**Pianta Woman:** Decorative purposes. _[taking a card out of her pocket and reading it]_ That's what I was supposed to say, right?

**Mario:** I can't believe I've finally found someone as unlucky as me. Hey, I'll help you guys out. Just open up, and I'll spray some water into your mouths!

_Grateful, they open their jaws. Mario sprays water into the Noki Man's mouth first. He swallows, then his eyes bulge and he clutches his throat._

**Noki Man:** What IS this stuff?

**Mario:** Just water, isn't it?

_Mario squirts a drop into his hand and licks it. Saltwater. Oops._

**Noki Man:** I gotta drink something! Even this electric goop will do!

**FLUDD:** I would not advise -

_Before the Noki Man can hear, he dives down to the nearest puddle of electric goop and slurps it up. The results are too graphic to depict, but the sound can be recorded._

**Noki Man:** *gurgle* *gurgle* *drip* *drip* *drip* *bubble* *bubble*

_The three of them stare at the bubbling slime left of the Noki Man with horror. A Pianta hotel employee comes and scrubs it up, whistling to himself. The Noki Woman looks, terror-stricken, at what's left of her husband, dripping from the employee's mop._

**Noki Woman:** Oooh! Where is that fat -

_She looks for Mario, but he has disappeared. The plumber hurries to another group of Piantas, hoping to distance himself from the awful accident._

**Snobby Pianta Woman:** What? What do you mean the hotel is missing?

**Hotel Owner:** Look, do you SEE a hotel behind me?

**Snobby Pianta Woman:** Well, fix it!

**Hotel Owner:** Hand me 5,000,000 coins and I'll see what I can do!

**Dumb Pianta Man:** Huh? The hotel's missing? Does that mean we can't sleep in it tonight?

**Hotel Owner:** No crap, genius! How am I supposed to get out of this mess?

_Mario enters the scene just then. The Hotel Owner turns his head to him, looks him over, and rubs his chin._

**Hotel Owner:** Now THIS is a man I can use. Oh, please, you must help me! My hotel disappeared earlier today! Some weird electric stuff fell from the sky and blanketed everything, and this giant ghost thing appeared and terrorized everyone! Please, will you help clean the beach and destroy the evil ghost thingamajig?

**Mario:** _[nodding and accidentally knocking some grains of sand off his head]_ Absolutely! I'm your man!

**Hotel Owner:** What? Really? You're seriously going to do something as retarded as that?

**Mario:** Do I LOOK like a man that can't be taken seriously?

_The Hotel Owner hides back a snort and turns his back to Mario for a moment. After a few seconds, he turns around, completely normal again._

**Hotel Owner:** Very well, I'll give you the job of destroying the ghost thingamajig when next it appears. My job, meanwhile, will be to cheer you on from the sidelines and gasp in shock at every twist.

_Mario smiles and walks away. After a few steps, the smile drops._

**Mario:** I'm going to die, aren't I?

**FLUDD:** Probably. I can't believe you agreed to it so nonchalantly.

**Mario:** Anything for a Shine Sprite, right?

_Something moves on the horizon. Mario cups his hands over his eyes like a visor and squints. Something pinkish, large, pulsating..._

**Hotel Owner:** _[standing right behind Mario]_ AAAHHH! THAT GREAT, GOSSAMER GHOUL IS BACK! DO SOMETHING!

**Mario:** Geez, don't scream in my ear like that! I'm about to wet my pants as it is!

_The big thing moves along the ground, coming closer and closer to Mario. Mario tries throwing a coconut at it. The coconut sizzles out of existence. He backs up to a palm tree, thinking._

**Mario:** Fine! If that's the way you want to do it, I'll fight shadow with shadow!

_Holding his hands out and putting them together, his shadow creates the image of a bird. Mario makes eagle calls for emphasis and "flaps" to the giant creature, which resembles a manta ray. The manta roars, causing Mario's shadow to scream like a little girl and run away._

**Mario:** And now I have no shadow.

**Peter Pan:** I know how you feel, man.

**Mario:** It's nice to have somebody to sympathize with.

_The manta comes even closer. Mario backs away and falls into a pool of water._

**Peter Pan:** Uh-oh! Gotta fly! _[throwing pixie dust into the air]_ REALLY HOT BABES!

**Mario:** Great! This looks like the end for me! Get away from me, you big thing! GET AWAY!

_Mario sprays water as a last resort. The manta groans and crackles with electricity. Seizing his opportunity, he unloads his water tank onto the manta. It splits into two smaller mantas. Grinning, Mario fills up FLUDD and runs off, spraying water as he does so. The manta continues splitting into smaller creatures._

**Mario:** Gee, this is really easy! I can't believe they couldn't handle this thing!

_Mario splits apart the last big one. Suddenly, they all turn red and start shrieking repeatedly._

**FLUDD:** And now you've ticked them off. They're all coming for you now.

_Mario counts at least a hundred of these things. After he picks his jaw up, he runs to the beach to buy himself some time. In his head, he imagines his upcoming fight. Wearing a ninja uniform, he splits them apart with his bare hands, flipping over a manta in slow motion. He lands on the other side of the beach and shoots a hadouken, destroying them all at once. He blows the smoke from his hands and crosses his arms. Mission accomplished._

_Back in the present, Mario has no clue what he's going to do. He starts spraying the mantas with water as they come over the wall, blowing them up one by one. They eventually reach him and surround him, cutting off his escape. They tie him up and smack him back and forth with tennis rackets, creating a net out of other mantas. One manta grabs a referee's outfit, and another sets up a sign that says "Moron Ball Tournament This Way." Eventually, Mario has enough and manages to reach FLUDD's triggers, spraying water everywhere. He lands partially on a puddle of electric goop, burning his ropes off. He straightens up and flexes his pectoral muscles, breaking the rest of the ropes off as he screams a war cry. The mantas back up and mutter amongst themselves._

**Mario:** I have had enough of you batting me back and forth! Come for me if you dare!

_The mantas look at each other, shrug, and rush him again. Mario's maniacal grin fades. This isn't what he expected. They beat him up and throw him against the wall. A barrel of water falls on his head, nearly knocking him unconscious. Strangely enough, it balances perfectly on what's left of his sand cone._

**Hotel Owner:** Come on, Mr. Sucker! You can do it!

_Mario takes the barrel off his head and looks at it. An idea occurs to him. Just as the mantas rush him again, he throws the barrel at the ground. The water splashes across the beach, hitting all the mantas and making them disintegrate. The electric goop disappears, and behind the Hotel Owner, Hotel Delfino rises from the empty plot of land._

**Hotel Owner:** I'm going to need to take some sleeping medicine tonight.

**Snobby Pianta Woman:** Why is it back so suddenly? I haven't finished my speel yet!

**Dumb Pianta Man:** Huh? It's back? What does that mean?

**Hotel Owner:** Man, don't you know ANYTHING?

**Dumb Pianta Man:** I forgot.

**Hotel Owner:** What's 3 plus 3?

_The Dumb Pianta Man thinks hard for a bit._

**Dumb Pianta Man:** 56?

_A limp, beaten, red and blue figure crawls up the steps behind them, panting. He reaches behind him, pulls a crab out of his overalls, looks at it, and throws it away._

**Hotel Owner:** Oh, welcome back! I'm sure my cheerleading helped you win!

**Mario:** Actually, it was a barrel that did the trick.

**Hotel Owner:** I should reward you somehow. Perhaps this Shine Sprite that's meant to stabilize the island and keep it from descending into chaos that I found randomly while walking down the beach and decided a souvenir was worth a land of total anarchy will do.

**Mario:** Yes, I should say so.

_Mario crawls up and grabs the Shine Sprite, tongue hanging out of his mouth. He glares at it. Its eyes move to stare back into his._

**Mario:** Do you know how much crap I went through just to save you?

_Mario warps out of the level. The first thing he decides he's going to do is find some massage therapy._


	19. Dressers, Piranhas, and Movie References

_Mario warps out of Sirena Beach and plops in front of the pipe. Birdies fly around in circles above his head. One poops on him, and they all fly away. Mario sits up and stretches._

**Mario:** Guess I'd better find some massage therapy. I can't go on like this.

**FLUDD:** Indeed.

**Mario:** Everything on me aches. This island isn't getting saved by a beat up plumber.

**FLUDD:** That's right.

**Mario:** So the best option would be to find a massage therapist and work all the kinks out of me. I'll feel like a million coins when it's all done!

**FLUDD:** Correct.

**Mario:** FLUDD, you're not disagreeing with me. Shouldn't you be protesting, telling me to shut up and get back to work?

**FLUDD:** Oh, you've earned some time off.

_Mario glances up at FLUDD suspiciously. Shrugging that feeling of doom off, he hops off the roof, but his overalls get caught on a clothesline. He dangles and struggles for a bit, unable to reach the part his overalls are hooked on. Eventually he hangs limp, too tired to move. A Pianta girl opens the window behind him and stretches her arms out._

**Pianta Girl:** Another beautiful day! Those clothes have been drying long enough. Guess it's time to do the laundry!

_She grabs clothes one by one, finally snatching Mario off the line. He lifts his head up, surprised._

**Mario:** Huh?

**Pianta Girl:** Now to start with this...ooh, a new pair of clothes! Mother must have bought this while shopping yesterday! What's this big machine thing? Oh, it looks repulsive!

_She detaches FLUDD from Mario and throws him out the window. Mario stares at the open window with horror._

**Pianta Girl:** I'll admit it looks like the thing some short, Italian plumber would wear - you can even tell by the fake meatball stains on the front of his shirt - but beggars can't be choosers! Perhaps I'll wear it to scare my friends next Halloween!

**Mario:** Wait, you've got it -

_The Pianta Girl doesn't hear him, grabs his head and pushes it down, folding him bit by bit. His cries of pain are covered by her innocent, if loud, singing. In the end, his legs are behind his head, his head is parallel with his chest, and his chest has been folded in half. Completely flat and wrinkle-free, the Pianta Girl picks up her new pair of "clothes" and sets them on the dresser. Mario is too dazed by pain to speak._

**Pianta Girl:** Wait...if mother went through all the trouble of buying this for me, she must want me to try it on soon! I can't wait to show her!

_She grabs Mario off the dresser, unfolds him, and slips her arms into his sleeves. Mario is now riding on her back, half-unconscious. As she goes for the door, she notices something._

**Pianta Girl:** What's that feeling on the back of my neck? It's almost like someone's breathing on me...

_She screams and runs around the room, flailing her arms._

**Pianta Girl:** EEEEWWW! It smells like old sausage and stale spaghetti sauce! Where did mother get this thing?

**Mario:** That's about all I eat, baby. I don't shop for weeks.

_The Pianta Girl slowly turns around and looks Mario in the face. Their noses touch. Mario still has a dazed, bored expression on his face._

**Pianta Girl:** GROSS! GET OFF ME, PERVERT!

**Mario:** I can't! I'm stuck!

_She rips Mario from her back with previously unsuspected strength and throws him against the wall. Following are a mirror crashed over his head, a teddy bear to the noggin, and a glove to the face. Finally, she throws Mario back out the window._

**Mario:** The things that happen to me just because I exist!

_He looks up in time to see a dresser flying at him. Before he can scream like the Pianta Girl above him, it flattens him. A few moments later, a group of Piantas gather around him._

**Pianta #1:** He met little Piantabeth, didn't he?

**Pianta #2:** Poor dude. Doesn't look like anything more than a plumber. What a miserable life he must have led so far, to have it end at the hands of that brat...

**Pianta #1:** Looks like the dresser got him.

**Pianta #3:** No...it was beauty killed the plumber.

**FLUDD:** Actually, it was more the clothesline that did him in.

**Pianta #2:** Besides, have you seen that girl? She's spoiled rotten, but I think I'd rather kiss a hamster than her.

**Piantabeth:** I heard that, you jerk!

_Pianta #2 gets flattened by a cabinet._

**Pianta #1:** And I suppose beauty killed Jeremy, too.

**Pianta #3:** You could look at it that way.

_A muffled scream is heard from inside the dresser. It shakes a few times, then is thrown into the air and shatters on the pavement ten feet away. Mario emerges with a pair of jeans on his head._

**Mario:** I've had worse done to me! That dresser was nothing!

**Pianta #1:** Surely you jest.

**Mario:** No, really.

**Pianta #3:** There are nun alive who could do something like that.

**Mario:** But I did.

**Pianta #1:** I think you're just being a joker.

**Mario:** Where are all these puns coming from?

**FLUDD:** I suggest you pick me up and continue with your day, Mario. The day's only getting longer, and you're only getting more humiliated.

_Mario nods, making the jeans fall off his head. He doesn't notice and walks over to FLUDD, reattaches him, and asks around for the nearest massage therapist. Once pointed in the right direction, he finds the building and starts walking in. A smiling Pianta passes by him on the way out._

**Pianta:** Oh, that was just heavenly! It was well worth the money! Are you getting a massage, too?

**Mario:** Yep. I'm glad to hear you like it, 'cause I need it.

**Pianta:** Take my advice and pay for the longest period. You won't regret it.

_The Pianta walks away humming to himself. Encouraged, Mario walks through the door and greets the receptionist._

**Mario:** Hi, I'm here for a massage.

**Receptionist:** What else would you be here for?

**Mario:** Har har. How much does the longest period cost?

**Receptionist:** That's 100 coins.

**Mario:** That's a steep price. I hear it's worth it.

**Receptionist:** Every coin of it. Do you want it?

**Mario:** Yeah, I'm really sore.

_Mario hands over 100 coins. The receptionist leads him to a "table", where he takes off his shirt and FLUDD and lays down. A Pianta woman with bulging muscles comes in._

**Mario:** Hi, I'm Mario. I -

**Therapist:** _[cracking her knuckles]_ Let's get down to business, shall we?

**Mario:** Yeah, that's cool. Just thought I'd introduce myself first -

_His sentence ends in a scream as she punches him in the kidneys. More punches to the back follow. Mario starts to sit up, but she shoves him back down. He flails as she pins him down with one hand and punches him with the other. A Pianta man next to him receiving the same treatment looks over with a warm expression on his face._

**Pianta Man:** This is so wonderful! It's like a little piece of heaven came down and rested on this shop - even the man over there is screaming from pleasure!

**Mario:** EASY! GO EASIER - AAAAHHH! I'M NOT AS TOUGH AS YOU PIANTAS!

_The therapist doesn't hear him. Finally, she raises both hands above her head and slams them into Mario's back. He goes unconscious for a few seconds. When he wakes up, he hears the therapist speaking to him._

**Therapist:** Now we're going to warm your body up a little bit. It'll feel real good.

_He turns his head groggily and sees the therapist bringing out a flamethrower. His eyes widen and he tries to run away, but she pulls him back._

**Therapist:** Now, now, I know you're excited, but don't go using that energy to run away. We can't massage you if you're not here.

**Mario:** That's the point!

_She shoots the flamethrower at him, bathing him in fire. He lights up and runs around the building screaming despite the therapist's attempts to stop him. He zips into a back room, going through the glass door, and dives into a nearby pool to put out the flames. Underwater, he exhales in relief. When he opens his eyes, he sees a piranha looking at him. Hundreds more of them gather together and lick their lips collectively. Mario screams and swims to the surface as they bite at him. He jumps out of the pool and smacks them off him. The therapist is waiting for him._

**Therapist:** Now, now, you're not supposed to get into the Piranha Pool until later in your appointment.

**Mario:** "Now, now," this! This place is a torture chamber!

**Therapist:** Of course not! We try to make it as comfortable as possible! The reason you didn't enjoy the Piranha Pool was probably because you're supposed to enter in naked.

**Mario:** Those things would tear me apart in seconds! You know what, screw this! I don't want to do this anymore!

_The receptionist trots into the pool area._

**Receptionist:** What's the problem?

**Therapist:** I think he wants to use the "Screwdriver."

**Mario:** Please tell me that's not another one of your torture machines.

**Therapist:** Right this way, please.

**Receptionist:** You should be glad to have Ms. Roxie as your therapist. She's the best we have - always gets to the point rather than chatting around.

**Mario:** Don't normal massage therapists make you feel, I don't know, good?

_The therapist picks Mario up and stuffs him in a metal chair. He tries to get out, but he's stuck. The therapist hits a few buttons, and what looks like a drill activates in front of him._

**Mario:** Oh my gosh, this IS a torture machine!

**Therapist:** Now, now, don't go spouting nonsense! It's meant to focus on one area of your body and alleviate all stress!

**Mario:** I don't see how! It'll go right through me!

_The drill begins to move forward towards Mario's shoulder. Mario struggles to get out once more._

**Mario:** And I can't get out! You've trapped me in here!

**Therapist:** Now, now, don't blame me for any bad eating habits you've gotten into. You're awfully big for a human.

**Mario:** Would you stop saying 'now, now'?

_The drill comes even closer. It moves very slowly as if to increase suspense._

**Mario:** Do you intentionally make the drill this slow so victims can see their deaths coming to them? I can't even breathe with my body stuck like this! This is such a terrible way to meet one's end!

**Therapist:** Perhaps you should eat right, then.

**Mario:** You use this machine to get information out of people, don't you? You actually work for the government, don't you!

_The drill has almost reached Mario's shoulder._

**Mario:** _[grimacing sarcastically]_ Do you expect me to talk?

**Therapist:** No, Mr. Mario, I expect you to diet.

_Mario grabs the drill by the sides and tries pushing it away from him. It doesn't even hinder its progress. He shuts his eyes and turns his head away. The noise of the drill stops._

**Hapless Pianta Worker:** Oops! I think I tripped over the cord!

**Therapist:** That's the third time this week!

**Hapless Pianta Worker:** I know, I'm sorry. I'll plug it back in.

_The drill whirs again, but the client is nowhere to be found._

_Instead, Mario is wandering the streets of Delfino Plaza, burnt, bruised, and tired from squeezing himself out of the chair in panic. His overalls are ruined, but his shirt is in perfect condition. After buying a new pair of overalls from a store, he sits down on a bench._

**Mario:** All I wanted was a massage. I feel worse now than when I went in.

**FLUDD:** True.

**Mario:** And you knew all this would happen from the start, didn't you?

**FLUDD:** That is also true. Piantas have a much rougher way of massaging. Their bodies can withstand such pressure.

**Mario:** Are you aware I could have lost the use of my left shoulder?

**FLUDD:** Relax. I never would have let it go that far.

**Mario:** Really? You wouldn't?

**FLUDD:** Of course not.

_Mario walks away smiling._

**FLUDD:** (The idiot bought it.)

**Mario:** Hey, look at this! "Delfino Restaurant of Fanciness!" If I can't have a massage, I can at least have some good food!

_He runs into the restaurant, ecstatic. The lights are dim, the floor is posh, the male waiters have ponytails, and a fat bald guy is singing opera with his band in the background - all signs of a good restaurant. Mario stops in front of a sign that says "Please linger here until an employee marks a suitable location to relax your leg muscles." After a few moments, a male Pianta with a ponytail directs him to a table in the middle of the floor. Mario sits down, feeling elated._

**Waiter:** Good evening, sir. My name is Walter.

**Mario:** Walter the Waiter?

**Walter:** Yes. I'll be your waiter today. Do you need a few minutes to think about what to order?

**Mario:** Yes, thank you.

_Walter leaves him as Mario opens the menu. He looks at the selection of drinks:_

_Hot Tea_

_Iced Tea_

_Somewhere in the Middle Tea_

_Coffee_

_Hot Chocolate_

_Molten Chocolate (for those looking for a real challenge with their drink)_

_Lemonade_

_Pink Lemonade_

_Orange with Blue Polka Dots Lemonade_

_Water (for those of you who are boring)_

_Fountain Drinks:_

_Mountain Boo_

_Keenn Greenn_

_A & W & P & L & T & Y & Another W Root Beer_

_Dr. Penguin_

_Chuckola Cola_

**Mario:** Hmm. I'll probably just have Mountain Boo.

**Walter:** Is that what you've decided on?

**Mario:** Wow, quick service. Yeah, that'll be my drink.

**Walter:** Do you need more time for food?

**Mario:** Not particularly. Do you have any specials going?

**Walter:** Well, we have a Soup of the Day.

**Mario:** Really? What is it?

**Walter:** It consists of Egg Drop Break in Pot Oops Let's Go with it Soup, Beef Vegetable with More Vegetable than Beef, Chicken Soggy Limp Noodle, and Ketchupy Tomato Crap.

**Mario:** That's quite a selection. Anything, eh, better that you've got?

**Walter:** Nope. See, this restaurant wouldn't be a fancy restaurant if half the stuff we made didn't taste like refined crap.

**Mario:** Oh.

**Walter:** But the other half is amazing. You just have to know which half to choose.

**Mario:** I don't think I'll go with soup. What do you suggest? What's your favorite?

**Walter:** Oh, my favorite? The chicken breasts, definitely. They come with broccoli, rice, and rolls.

**Mario:** Nice. How much is it?

**Walter:** 20 coins.

**Mario:** A little pricey, but it must be worth it. I'll take it.

**Walter:** _[nodding and writing it down]_ Anything else?

**Mario:** That plate will probably fill me up before I can eat anything else. That's all I'm having.

**Walter:** Alright, I've got all that. _[grabs Mario's menu]_ Your food should be ready soon.

_Mario leans back and drums his fingers along the table. Looking for something to do, he turns to the Pianta eating behind him._

**Mario:** Hi, I'm Mario. Do you eat here regularly?

**Pianta Gentleman:** _[speaking in a slow, pious voice]_ My family has eaten here for generations. It is a most delightful place if you have the money.

**Mario:** Oh, yeah? How often do you eat here?

**Pianta Gentleman:** Every day for three meals a day.

**Mario:** Cool thing, cool thing...what are you eating now? Looks good.

**Pianta Gentleman:** This is the restaurant's famous ham steak. I get it every time I eat dinner here.

**Mario:** I might try some myself. Think you'd be willing to spare a piece?

**Pianta Gentleman:** Frankly, my dear, I don't give my ham.

**Mario:** I wonder if our readers will even recognize half the movie references in this chapter?

**Pianta Gentleman:** Now please, do not speak to me any longer. I do not like to be associated with lower-class overalls-wearing rubes such as you.

_The Pianta Gentleman's nose literally turns up on his face. A little perturbed, Mario looks around, trying to find another conversation starter and attempting to act more sophisticated._

**Mario:** So, uh, you're at a table for three. Are you expecting anybody...sir?

**Pianta Gentleman:** _[not turning back to Mario]_ I am expecting my sister, Piantamaria. I was also expecting her daughter, Piantabeth, but an incident seems to have happened earlier to cause her to lock herself in her room.

_Obviously not wanted and trying to avoid an inquiry into why Piantabeth is acting the way she is, Mario turns back to his table and waits for his food in silence. Twenty minutes later, a steaming plate is put before him. In the center are two perfectly round lumps set beside each other._

**Mario:** What are these?

**Walter:** Those are the chicken breasts.

**Mario:** Oh, right...sorry, I know I ordered them, but I just wasn't expecting something quite as...to the letter.

**Walter:** You probably won't like our butt steak, then.

**Mario:** Well, thanks for the meal. That'll be all for now.

_Walter walks away. Mario pushes the chicken breasts away from him and focuses on eating the rest of his food._

**Mario:** It's not the end of the world. At least there's no fruit on the plate. _[turning up to FLUDD]_ You know how you get a fruit like pineapple or cherries on your plate, and the fruit juice spreads out and dominates the plate just like Alexander the Great dominated the middle east? That's the worst.

**FLUDD:** You mean like this?

_FLUDD squirts a bit of water onto the plate. Slowly it spreads out until it touches all the food and makes it soggy._

**Mario:** You're also the worst, FLUDD.

**FLUDD:** Always happy to aggravate.

**Mario:** And you told me you couldn't fire on your own! Don't tell me that was another lie!

**FLUDD:** It was a tiny one. When I really want to, I can fire a bit of water on my own.

**Mario:** What about that stupid defense system thing you activated when we first met?

**FLUDD:** That was merely a stupid defense system thing.

**Mario:** What about your Idiot Stopper?

**FLUDD:** That is foam, not water, strictly speaking.

**Mario:** I guess I have no choice but to eat soggy food now.

_Mario finishes the rest of his food and pays the cashier near the door. All things considering, the experience was not worth the money._

**Mario:** Everyone on this island is crazy.

**FLUDD:** They say people hang out with people dumber than they are in order to look smarter.

**Mario:** That wasn't my reason for coming here.

**FLUDD:** Your next mission is back in Sirena Beach. Get going before I bombard you with foam.

_Mumbling, Mario runs off, heading back to the pipe on the rooftop._


	20. Paintings, Ghosts, and National Treasure

**Narrator:** Mario landed back in Sirena Beach, filled with determination and chicken breast, and prepared to tackle Episode 2.

**Mario:** _[seeing a Pianta wearing a shirt that says "Episode 2"]_ Hey! There he is! Get him!

_Mario dives into the Pianta. A minor scuffle begins but ends when FLUDD uses his Idiot Stopper._

**Narrator:** After tackling Episode 2, Mario decided to tackle Episode 2 in the metaphorical sense. He sought out an old acquaintance of his, the owner of Hotel Delfino, who shared a disturbing tale with him...

**Hotel Owner:** My pet leech is dead. It was eaten by the man in Room 112.

**Mario:** Gross. Well, can I take a look inside your hotel? That's where I'm supposed to go, right, FLUDD?

**FLUDD:** Indeed. I think I'm going to enjoy this one.

**Mario:** Huh?

**Hotel Owner:** Normally I'd let you inside the hotel, but there's a slight problem. You see, it's filled...with ghosts!

**Snobby Pianta Woman:** What do you mean, it's filled with ghosts? Take care of it!

**Dumb Pianta Man:** Huh? What? The hotel has ghosts in it? Does this mean dinner is cancelled?

**Hotel Owner:** And these two are providing additional problems.

**Mario:** I see. Would you, eh, like me to call the Ghostbusters?

**Hotel Owner:** Well, I thought about it, but I realized there's an even better solution to this problem.

**Mario:** Even better?

**Hotel Owner:** Yep. I'm going to send you in to deal with all of them!

**Mario:** Hold on just a minute, I don't -

**Hotel Owner:** That's right, why send in seasoned professionals when I can just sucker some random plumber with nothing but a talking water device on his back to deal with them?

**Mario:** This is crazy!

**Hotel Owner:** Now, now, I won't take no for an answer! In you go!

_Mario is thrown inside the hotel and lands on his face. The doors shut behind him. He stands up slowly and looks around. Nothing seems to be amiss._

**Boo:** Hi, man.

_Mario shrieks and backs up. Before him is a Boo, eyes half-closed, tongue hanging out of his mouth._

**Boo:** Dude, wassher problem?

_Another Boo with long hair floats onto the scene._

**Another Boo:** Ahh, this place is gnarly, man, ahalhalhalhal.

**Boo:** Tubular, dude!

**Another Boo:** Way cool.

**Boo:** Awesome!

**Another Boo:** Groovy!

**Boo:** Mundo!

**Another Boo:** ...What the heck is mundo?

**Boo:** What the heck is tubular? It's just a phrase, man!

**Mario:** Ahem...

**Both Boos:** Whuh?

**Mario:** I apologize for interrupting this deep and thought-provoking conversation, but I must ask you to leave the building.

**Another Boo:** Aw, man, you for real?

**Mario:** Yes, I know. Orders are orders. After all, by removing you, a get a nice Shine Sprite...

**Boo:** This is stupid! Why can't everyone just have peace? We've all got to love one another!

**Mario:** Eh. Sorry. Love one another outside.

_Mario approaches the Boos and reaches out to escort them. They immediately slump to the ground, unmoving. Mario attempts to pick them up, but they're heavier than their transparent bodies would suggest. He heaves and tugs and pulls, but the Boos will not cooperate._

_Twenty minutes later, both Boos are taken care of. Mario slaps his hands together and walks further into the hotel. Dozens of Boos hover around the central pillar in the lobby. At the top of the pillar is a statue shaped like a Boo._

**Mario:** And how am I supposed to get up there?

**FLUDD:** Spray the pink Boos with water to turn them into platforms, then expertly hop up to them and enter the statue at the top through the mouth.

**Mario:** And how was I supposed to figure that out?

**FLUDD:** Because everything in this game begins and ends with water.

**Mario:** And how do I know that Boo statue won't just eat me when I get up to the top?

**FLUDD:** You don't.

_Mario grumbles and complies. He occasionally misses a platform and falls into the pool of water at the bottom, screaming in Italian. Finally, he reaches the top and enters in through the mouth of the Boo statue. The statue closes its mouth, swallows, and belches. Game over._

_But for the sake of convenience, Mario will regain his lost life and continue on through the Secret level._

**Mario:** Platforms that appear and disappear at random? Sounds dangerous! But I'll be okay, because I have a secret of my own up my sleeve.

**FLUDD:** A secret? And that would be?

**Mario:** I'm actually Spider-Man. He wears red and blue, I wear red and blue, we're both geniuses...doesn't it make sense?

**FLUDD:** ...The first one does.

**Mario:** See? I knew you'd agree. Now, to breeze through this with panache!

_Mario runs forward, whooping. He does a front flip in the air, lands on his face, and tumbles off the side of the platform before it even begins to disappear. After losing a life, he lands back at the beginning._

**Mario:** That's the cool thing about video games. No matter how often you die, there's always an extra life or save point to back you up. That sort of thing would help a lot on my dates...

**FLUDD:** Well done, Peter Pasta.

**Mario:** I thought if I just jumped through this so easily, you'd believe me. Besides, I have no problem flipping around in my other games. It's just this one, for some reason.

**FLUDD:** Yes. In this game, you are very particular about being stupid.

**Mario:** Well, nobody's perfect. I wasn't in the last games, and I'm not now. Ever since the day I received the Jump Curse...

**FLUDD:** The Jump Curse?

**Mario:** Yeah. It all started shortly after "Donkey Kong." I'd just rescued Pauline from an ape who's not even named Donkey Kong, and I was feeling pretty smug with myself, like I could take on anything. One night, I decided to put an urban legend to the test. With the lights turned off, walking in my pajamas, I went to the bathroom and closed the door. I stared intently into the mirror. My heart thudded in my ears. And then, quietly, gently, I said, "I do believe in Bloody Birdo."

**FLUDD:** And what happened?

**Mario:** A pink image slowly formed in the mirror. Staring back at me was a hideous creature, covered head to toe in egg yolk. She said, "Why have you summoned me? I sense in the future that you will face me as a boss in a game that doesn't even take place because it's all an elaborate dream cooked up by eating too much pizza at midnight." Then she reached out and grabbed me by the shoulder. The yolk ran down my side. It was warm. She then told me, "I don't do squat for short, fat guys who dream about evil toad-like creatures taking over alternate dimensions. Henceforth, whenever you try to jump, you will occasionally fail for no reason and plummet into a one billion-foot cliff."

**FLUDD:** So that's where it came from.

**Mario:** It's haunted Mario players ever since.

**FLUDD:** Enough talking. You must complete this level and obtain the Shine Sprite.

**Mario:** Gotcha. It's time to go by my other name: Solid Snake! After all, he's got facial hair, I've got facial hair, and, uh...he eats rations, and I eat...

**FLUDD:** Fungus.

**Mario:** Hey, let's face it, even rations have expiration dates. So, back to the battlefield!

_Twenty-six lives later, Mario gets the Shine Sprite. Shortly thereafter, he returns to Sirena Beach at FLUDD's behest. His mission this time is..._

**Hotel Owner:** I have no idea what your mission this time is.

**Mario:** What?

**Hotel Owner:** Oh, but feel free to come in, run around, and scare all our customers. We need a cheap thrill every now and then.

_Mario shrugs and wanders in. The place is, as far as he can tell, normal. With nothing else to do, he decides to go swimming at the indoor pool. He arrives there and discovers something shocking._

**Mario:** Whoa! Look at that!

_A Shine Sprite hovers above the near-empty waters of the pool. A Pianta stands at the pool entrance and prevents him from going in._

**Pool Guy:** Hold on, now! You can't go in without proper swimwear!

_Mario tears off his clothes and stands in only his heart boxer shorts._

**Pool Guy:** Well, even if you have swimwear, the pool's not filled with enough water for swimming.

_Mario taps FLUDD's water tanks._

**Pool Guy:** Look, pal, you're not getting in, okay?

**Mario:** Have you considered looking behind you? There's a Shine Sprite in there that needs to rejoin its fellow brothers at the Shine Tower!

**Pool Guy:** You honestly expect me to believe that? And who's making that annoying jingling sound? It's getting on my nerves!

**Mario:** That's the Shine Sprite! Please, I need it to save the world and leave the island!

**Pool Guy:** You're not pulling a fast one on THIS Pianta. I'm ready for every little lawbreaker that comes my way!

**Mario:** Just turn around! That's all I ask! How hard is it to rotate your body 180 degrees?

**Pool Guy:** Not a chance! I've been standing in this doorway for so long, I've forgotten how to change directions!

_Mario mutters under his breath and walks away. Without watching where he's going, he steps onto an unstable tile and falls into the room below, landing on his stomach. After wheezing like a sick dolphin for eighteen seconds, he sits up and looks around. A TV plays in the next room over._

**TV:** And now, let's get back to "Die Hard: The G-Rated Version."

**Bruce Willis:** Are you ready to be severely wounded, you bad person?

**Professor Snape:** Sacred defecation!

_Bruce Willis and Professor Snape tumble over the edge of the building and hang on for dear life. Professor Snape falls off in slow motion, hands grasping at thin air. However, a safety net catches him at the bottom, and the cast gets together and sings "We're All Corporate Businessmen in the End." The credits roll with a Hilary Duff song playing in the background._

_Mario, meanwhile, sneaks past the Pianta woman watching the movie eagerly and sits in front of a painting of a sea at sunset. He sighs and gazes on it admiringly. FLUDD's words randomly float across his mind:_

**Imaginary FLUDD:** Everything in this game begins and ends with water.

_Mario glances at the Pianta woman to make sure she's not looking and sprays the painting with water. A picture of a Boo slowly appears. Uncomfortably reminded of his encounter with Bloody Birdo, Mario backs up._

**FLUDD:** Touch the painting, Mario. Become one with it.

_Mario shudders, but stands up and walks to the painting. He raises his hand up and slowly touches the picture. To his surprise, his hand goes through. On the other side of the painting..._

**Noki #1:** I know, this brilliant masterpiece of a painting, _The Sweeping Meadow_, is worth at least two million coins, but I'm offering it to you for one million, five hundred thousand. What do you say?

**Noki #2:** I like it. Not a bad price for such a piece.

**Noki #1:** Exactly! Doesn't art like this just reach out and grab you?

_Mario's hand slowly appears through the painting and grabs onto Noki #2's shirt collar. Noki #2 promptly punches Noki #1 and storms out of the room._

**Noki #1:** What... Huh... I was just...

_Noki #1 faints. Mario steps in seconds later._

**Mario:** Now that was unnerving. Where to now, FLUDD?

**FLUDD:** You must find an alternative route to the pool. Direct entry will not work.

**Mario:** I guess I should just go through that door over there, then.

**FLUDD:** That will get you nowhere. The doors are designed to always lock to outsiders, so you can't get back in. However, the hotel's numerous other flaws provide other ways around.

**Mario:** And this is a 4-star hotel?

**FLUDD:** 3-star.

**Mario:** I'm surprised it has that many. So, where do I go?

**FLUDD:** Oh, just kind of explore around a bit.

_Mario's not sure how far he can get in such a small room. He searches around the room. Thankfully, the couple in bed are asleep. Fifteen minutes later, Mario comes to a conclusion._

**Mario:** I don't know what I'm looking for!

**FLUDD:** Well, that's too bad. Keep searching.

_Mario looks up to gather his thoughts and notices a loose tile in the ceiling. More architectural flaws. The only way he can think of getting up there is by bouncing on the bed. He steps onto the bed and bounces up and down a couple of times to get the feel of it. He prepares to make his one big jump and steps on the Noki woman's leg. She lets out a bloodcurdling scream, waking her husband beside her._

**Noki Man:** AHH! Who are you?

_The two scream and hug each other. Mario holds his hands up defensively._

**Mario:** Look, this isn't what it seems. I just need to borrow your bed for a few moments. Just a second or two, alright? Then you can get back to your bed. Please stop screaming. The hotel's going to think I'm a homicidal maniac or something.

**Noki Woman:** Are you?

**FLUDD:** Yes.

_The Nokis scream even louder. Before any more trouble can occur, Mario bounces up and whacks his head on the ceiling. After recovering, he tries again and makes it through the hole._

**Mario:** Thanks a lot, FLUDD.

**FLUDD:** You're welcome.

**Mario:** Go grab a dictionary and look up the word "sarcasm," FLUDD.

_A brief period of silence passes between them._

**FLUDD:** Do you want to test me, Mario?

**Mario:** No, I'll just be on my way. Am I supposed to find another random exit in this room, too?

**FLUDD:** Indeed. Exiting through the door is currently forbidden. It will merely take you back to square one.

_Mario snoops around for a bit. He starts thinking deductively._

**Mario:** Well, if each room's puzzle is like the last, then if I can find a common thread... _[snaps his fingers]_ Ah! Boos and structural design flaws! If I can find objects with those elements in common, I should be fine!

_This line of reasoning carries him rather well. He finds his way through a closet in one room, a window in another, and a bookcase in the next. However, the strain of the puzzles weighs on his sanity. He bursts into the next room, eyes bloodshot, stubble growing on his face. He leans in towards a Noki reading a newspaper._

**Mario:** Ghosts and holes! Have you seen a ghost or a hole anywhere?

**Noki:** How'd you get into my room?

**Mario:** Ah! I see it! The swirl of cream in the middle of your coffee, when the left and right sides are reversed and the bottom edge is cut off, vaguely resembles a Boo! The secret is in this coffee!

**Noki:** Hey!

**Mario:** Ghost and holes! Hosts and goles! Ahahahahahaha!

_Mario accidentally pours the coffee in his eye while inspecting it. He runs screaming through the wall on his right, falling into the next room. A Pianta woman sitting at the edge of her bed shrieks. Mario, one eye closed, crawls to her._

**Mario:** Your purse! Inside this purse is undeniably a portal to the other side of the hotel! I can feel it in my bones!

**Pianta Woman:** Stay away from me!

**Mario:** SPAGHETTI SAUCE IS RED! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

_Mario tears through her purse, scattering items across the room. The Pianta Woman backs up and continues shrieking. Mario places the purse over his head and looks around._

**Mario:** This purse has a distinct, leathery smell...just like the cook working in the kitchen on the bottom floor! I must pursue my objective! Your handbag has aided me much!

_The insane plumber dashes out of the room, breaking FLUDD's rules about not using the doors, and trips over the railing that creates a balcony looking onto the first floor. Mario lands in the pool of water. His sanity returns to him. He looks around and notices a man standing at the juice bar._

**Nicolas Cage:** ...So if my theory is correct, the treasure should be located five stories beneath this building, under the men's bathroom...

**Mario:** Hey, Nicolas Cage! I need some help finding something!

**Nicolas Cage:** Hmm?

_Mario runs up to Nicolas Cage and stands in front of him._

**Mario:** There's a Shine Sprite in the pool room of this hotel, but a Pianta won't let me in through the main entrance. I need to find some other way of getting in there. That Shine Sprite is really important!

**Nicolas Cage:** All rooms must have at least two entrances or exits, whether it's man-made, natural, or you have to force yourself in. The trick here is circumventing the most obvious entrance and thinking outside the box.

**Mario:** Wow. That's brilliant.

**Nicolas Cage:** Do you remember the Pianta who wouldn't let you into the pool? What color pants was he wearing?

**Mario:** Uh, green, I think...

**Nicolas Cage:** Green...the color of palm tree leaves and grass skirts...the favorite color of the hotel's original owner! _[reaching into his pants pocket]_ Here, take a look at this coin. Noticing anything strange?

**Mario:** _[leaning over]_ No.

**Nicolas Cage:** _[flips the coin over]_ What about now?

**Mario:** Still no.

**Nicolas Cage:** See the Pianta in the top-left corner? That's the original owner of Hotel Delfino.

**Mario:** Uh-huh.

**Nicolas Cage:** His left eye is partially closed. Almost as if he's trying to tell us something.

**Mario:** That a rival hotel owner poked him in the eye?

**Nicolas Cage:** But more than that, I think he's trying to send us a message from beyond death. He got into a bicycle accident in the year 1970 which briefly injured his left eye. 1970 was the cost of Pineapple-O's, the cereal he used to eat for every meal.

**Mario:** A box of cereal cost 1,970 coins?

**Nicolas Cage:** No, it's a decimal number. 19.70. The zero can be counted out, making it 19.7

**Mario:** That's still expensive for a box of cereal.

**Nicolas Cage:** I would think so, too, but he's missing a button on his shirt. Since, in his image on the coin, the shirt line slants up to the right, we know the equation is placed horizontally. He's missing the second-to-last button. He must want us to carry the decimal point over to the left by one, which would make the price of cereal 1.97.

**Mario:** So?

**Nicolas Cage:** Which means the hidden way into the pool is down in the food storage room! An entire room is dedicated to conserving pineapples in memory of Vladimir van Pianta, the first hotel owner. If you go down there, you should find something.

**Mario:** Wow! Thanks, Nicolas Cage! You're the best!

_Mario dashes off and asks the nearest employee where the food storage room is. He gets pointed in the right direction and gleefully skips to the storage room door. When he tries to open the door, he finds it locked. Too excited to worry about customs, he kicks the door open and barges in. Boxes and crates litter the room. Mario takes a quick look around and finds nothing. Still not dissuaded, he grabs the nearest pineapple and walks out._

**Employee:** Dude, did you just kick that door down?

_Mario ignores him and walks past. Out of the corner of his eye, he notices a Yoshi egg on the floor._

**Juice Bar Pianta:** I just don't understand this random egg that appeared out of nowhere. What's it doing here, and why is it incessantly demanding a pineapple? I don't even carry pineapples, and despite my knowledge of fruit and the building, I don't know where to get one!

**Mario:** Found one.

**Juice Bar Pianta:** Huh? Really?

_Mario drops the pineapple next to the Yoshi egg, which hatches immediately._

**Yoshi:** Nice to see you again, Mario.

**Mario:** You're the same Yoshi I met from before?

**Yoshi:** Walk with me.

_Stunned, Mario complies and strides beside the orange dinosaur. They head for the stairs and stop in the first landing._

**Yoshi:** Are you being followed?

**Mario:** What? No.

**Yoshi:** How many people here know your face?

**Mario:** Quite a few, I guess. Why does it matter?

**Yoshi:** Listen, I stuck myself back into an egg and had myself delivered to the hotel so I could get in without raising too many questions.

**Mario:** That guy running the juice bar was sure interested.

_Yoshi pins Mario to the wall, arm to neck._

**Yoshi:** This is no time for jokes now. This is serious.

**Mario:** Gotcha. Can I breathe now?

_Yoshi lowers Mario back down and crosses his arms._

**Yoshi:** I'm not just a random Yoshi. I'm a member of E.G.G., the Extreme Guardian Group. I was tasked to keep tabs on Shadow Mario, but things got too hot, so I sat in an egg and tried to remain inconspicuous. Unfortunately, Shadow Mario found me first. If you hadn't stopped him, E.G.G. probably would have lost another member. You have my thanks for that.

**Mario:** So what was that huge list of personal favors for?

_Yoshi slowly raises his fist. When Mario quails, he puts it back down._

**Yoshi:** Something's not right in this hotel. There are ghosts all around, the service is crap, the bathrooms smell like roasting feet with a fan turned on them, and the hotel owner is keeping leeches as pets.

**Mario:** I have to admit the second and third ones aren't right, but what about the ghosts? And why is the hotel owner raising leeches?

**Yoshi:** I don't know. Probably another conspiracy on the part of Shadow Mario... But a more pressing concern is the Shine Sprite in the pool. Have you got anything more in that department?

**Mario:** _[shrugs]_ Well, I found you.

**Yoshi:** _[sighs]_ You have a lot to learn, my unobservant friend. I'll help you get into the pool, but I'm leaving after that. I still have my mission on Shadow Mario to fulfill, but if I think you'll need my help, I'll be sure to arrive in egg form.

**Mario:** Uh. Wow. Thanks.

**Yoshi:** Now hush up and get on my back. We're going to the pool.

**Mario:** You know of another way in?

**Yoshi:** If you're going to work with E.G.G., you've gotta learn not to ask questions. Just trust me and do as I say.

_Mario rides him up to the third floor and reenters the pool room entrance. Nobody else is around except the guy guarding the pool._

**Pool Guy:** Hey! I thought I told you to get lost!

**Mario:** I did. Then I got found again. It's difficult to stay one or the other.

**Pool Guy:** Oh, so now you're wise-cracking, eh?

**Yoshi:** Cool it. He's with me. Now let us into the pool. It's important.

**Pool Guy:** I swear, first this obnoxious jingle sound behind me, then the fat mustache, and now some orange Barney lookalike -

_Yoshi pulls a gun out of nowhere and sticks it underneath the Pool Guy's chin._

**Yoshi:** I didn't catch all of that, and I don't want to. _[wiggles the gun under the Pool Guy's chin]_ Do you know what this is? It's a YE800, also called the Rotten Egg. It's silent, high-powered...designed to kill in one easy motion. And after you float around the pool for a bit, I can eat you and spare the cleanup team the body disposal part of the job. No one will know what happened to you.

**Pool Guy:** Why are you so desperate to get in?

**Yoshi:** Why are you so desperate to keep us out?

**Mario:** Yeah, what he said!

**Yoshi:** Shut up, Mario.

**Mario:** Yeah, what he said!

**Yoshi:** If you don't stop being annoying, I can always strap you to a chair and force you to play Link and the Faces of Evil for eight hours straight. Things really would get boring around here.

**Pool Guy:** Alright, alright! I'll tell you why I don't let anybody into the pool. When I was little, I always wanted to go swimming at the local pool. But every time I got there, my favorite spot to sit in was taken. And the one time it was available? The lifeguard told me to get up and move! _[begins to sob]_ Just because I sat on her little brother doesn't mean I should give up my right to choose my seat! It was so unfair! _[gritting his teeth]_ And ever since that day, I've vowed to rob everybody else of their pool time! If I couldn't have fun at the pool, neither can they! I bided my time, became a member of this hotel, all so I could stand at the pool entrance. I won't stop until all pools have dried up from neglect and nobody can swim anymore!

_Mario and Yoshi stare at him in silence for twenty seconds._

**Yoshi:** Maybe I should just shoot him and be done with it.

**Mario:** Put the poor dude out of his misery.

**Pool Guy:** What? No! My mission is not finished yet!

**Yoshi:** Tell you what: I'll spare you if you turn around and look at the pool.

_The Pool Guy, after an inner struggle, slowly turns around and looks at the Shine Sprite floating above the pool. His eyes widen._

**Pool Guy:** What have I done? I nearly doomed the whole world to annihilation by preventing that Shine Sprite from being obtained! _[falls to his knees and covers his face]_ I'm such a disgrace to Piantas everywhere! AND I'VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO WALK!

_Yoshi steps over the Pool Guy and splashes into the pool._

**Yoshi:** There. You don't need to ask questions. Just do as I say.

**Mario:** Fine by me. With brains of Nicolas Cage and the brawn of Yoshi, I can overcome anything!

_FLUDD uses his Idiot Stopper._

**Mario:** And the brutality of FLUDD.

**FLUDD:** Get the Shine Sprite and get out. I'm especially looking forward to the next episode.

**Mario:** Uh-oh.


	21. Text Boxes, Tuxedos, and Shaken Martinis

_After getting the third Sirena Beach Shine Sprite and exiting the level, Mario goes straight back in and winds up on the hotel shore. He paddles to land and runs up to the hotel entrance, where he meets the Hotel Owner again._

**Hotel Owner:** Ah, Mario! Good to see you again! Unfortunately, there's nothing life-risking or dangerous to threaten your existence in this episode, but there is the casino.

**Mario:** Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Casino? _[checks the Super Mario Sunshine game box]_ In an E-rated game?

**Hotel Owner:** Of course.

**Mario:** Sweet! When do I go in?

**Hotel Owner:** As soon as you want. And remember, kids - always gamble. Even if you deplete your entire savings account, there's always a chance you'll hit it big. In the next episode, we'll discuss how to use guns.

_Mario leaves the Hotel Owner to his "talk" and enters Hotel Delfino. For once, everything seems normal. He runs to the nearest Pianta._

**Mario:** Hey, do you know where the casino is?

_The Pianta jerks his thumb to his left. Mario nods gratefully and walks through the doors into the casino. The place is huge and sparkling. Nokis and Piantas are scattered everywhere, most of them yelling and cursing. Mario slaps his hands together._

**Mario:** So, where to, FLUDD?

**FLUDD:** Oh, just gamble a bit.

**Mario:** Seriously, or are you trying to get me killed?

**FLUDD:** I have a feeling you'll die no matter what you do. Just gamble for now.

_In the corner of the room, an angry Pianta turns a card table over, then punches the Pianta across from him. Security runs in and assists the angry Pianta in punching the other guy. Mario winces._

**Mario:** Wow, what's going on over there?

**Random Noki:** Oh, you don't want to mess with him. He gets upset at just about every game he plays.

**Mario:** Who is he?

**Random Noki:** The casino manager.

_Mario glances back at the Casino Manager, who is now eating cards in frustration. Mario swallows._

**Mario:** So, uh, any good games around here you suggest?

**Random Noki:** Solitaire.

**Mario:** Solitaire?

**Random Noki:** It's the only thing you've got a shot at winning at. Of course, I just blow my money on the slot machines. I've been playing so long, my eyes can do this.

_Random Noki's eyes begin rolling up at a rapid rate. After a few seconds, they stop, both eyes shaped like 7s. Lights and bells go off in his ears._

**Random Noki:** My rear end has also merged with the seat. I'm stuck here forever.

**FLUDD:** Have you tried basic exercise?

**Random Noki:** Well, a fat lot of good it'll do me now! What am I supposed to do, wiggle around?

_Random Noki wiggles around a little bit. After a few seconds, his butt separates from the seat. He stares in disbelief._

**Random Noki:** Wow...you've saved me! Thanks, creepy talking water device!

_Random Noki promptly turns and pulls the slot machine lever again. His rear ends slowly begins merging with the seat. Mario rolls his eyes and walks away._

**Mario:** Honestly, FLUDD, what am I supposed to do? I don't see anything resembling a Shine Sprite here.

**FLUDD:** You're supposed to gamble. Really.

**Mario:** _[shrugs]_ Okay, you're the boss.

**FLUDD:** ...Even though the activities you're supposed to be engaging in technically aren't classified as "gambling."

**Mario:** Huh?

**FLUDD:** Nothing. I was just clearing my throat.

**Mario:** Oh, okay. That's what it sounded like. _[stretches]_ Well, if I'm going to gamble, I'd better do it right. Tux!

_A Pianta walks to Mario carrying three ducks by the feet._

**Mario:** No, I said TUX! As in a tuxedo!

_The Pianta stomps his foot and walks off. One of the ducks blows Mario a raspberry. A few seconds later, the Pianta arrives with a fancy black and white suit._

**Mario:** Thank you.

**Pianta:** Yeah, that'll be two hundred coins. You gonna hand it over, bubba?

**Mario:** Two hundred coins? _[fishes around in his pockets]_ Here's twelve coins. _[reaches into his shoe]_ Here's another three. _[feels around some more]_ And that's as much as I'm willing to spend right now. What's that bring it down to?

**Pianta:** That brings it down to...one eighty-five. _[extends his hand]_ You got the money?

**Mario:** Well geez, don't be so pushy. I've only got ten coins left.

**Pianta:** Then give me ten coins.

**Mario:** Look, we're in a casino. I'm sure I can increase the money I have now. Just give it some time.

**Pianta:** _[glares at Mario]_ One hour. You got one hour to pay the rest of the money, or I'm taking the tuxedo back...AND your hat.

_Mario gulps as the Pianta hands him the tuxedo and walks away._

**Mario:** This sounds bad. I can't live without my hat.

**FLUDD:** Well, tough. Sometimes you have to be a man.

**Mario:** No, literally. Depending on the game, my hat has been treated as my source of life. Without my hat in this game... _[cue dramatic zoom-in]_ ...I die.

**FLUDD:** Well, we wouldn't want that, would we?

**Mario:** Of course not. Now, for some refreshment before I increase my money.

**FLUDD:** With only ten coins, of which you owe one hundred and eighty-five?

**Mario:** It'll work out.

**FLUDD:** That's what General Custer said before he attacked the Indians.

_Mario ignores him and walks over to the drink bar. He leans on the counter and begins talking in a very bad British accent._

**Mario:** Hello. What do you recommend for a man about to break the bank?

_The Bar Pianta holds up a bottle of poison. Mario's eyes widen and he drops the phony British accent._

**Mario:** Oh, well, uh, I'm not actually going to break the bank. Just something to strive for, I guess. In that case, what do you recommend that's cheap?

_The Bar Pianta holds up a glass filled with dirty water with a cigarette butt sticking out of it._

**Bar Pianta:** This one's free.

**Mario:** _[clearing his throat]_ What do you have that's cheap and of good quality?

_The Bar Pianta pours the cigarette water into a diamond glass and sets it on the counter._

**Mario:** On second thought, why don't you just give me a martini and pour it in a plastic cup?

**Bar Pianta:** Fine by me.

_The Bar Pianta grabs a plastic cup, fills it with martini, and throws an expired strawberry in it._

**Bar Pianta:** That'll be nine coins.

**Mario:** Eee. Guess there's no way around it. _[grinning]_ And I'd like my martini shaken, not stirred.

**Bar Pianta:** That should be easy enough. _[holds the cup up]_ YOU INSOLENT EXCUSE FOR AN ALCOHOLIC DRINK! YOU WERE A BAD MARTINI THE MOMENT YOU WERE MADE! YOU DISGUST ME! YOU'RE NOT EVEN WORTHY TO SOAK MY GRANDMA BERTHA'S FEET! _[calmly sets the cup back down]_ That should have shaken it up pretty good. Come back again when it needs another rattling.

**Mario:** _[dumbfounded]_ Uh, no, I think one verbal barrage should be enough. Thank you anyway.

_Mario takes the martini, pays the Bar Pianta nine coins, and walks away, looking for something to spend his one remaining coin on. He looks around at all the slot machines and games, thinking hard. A Pianta bumps into him as he walks by._

**Mario:** Hey, watch it, buddy!

_The Pianta turns around and glares at him._

**Casino Manager:** You wanna say that again?

**Mario:** Hey, watch it, buddy!

**Casino Manager:** THAT WAS A QUESTION, NOT A REQUEST!

_The Casino Manager's voice echoes throughout the room. Nobody bothers to turn and look._

**Casino Manager:** When you bump into me, you'd better be prepared to pay the price.

**Mario:** When one object remains stationary and a moving object attempts to occupy the same space as object number one, technically speaking the second object would be the one to initiate the bumping phenomenon.

**Casino Manager:** I have no idea what any of that means! PREPARE FOR A BATTLE, WEAKLING!

_The Pokemon encounter music plays as the screen fades to black and opens back up to Mario and the Casino Manager standing apart from each other._

**Text Box:** CASINO MANAGER would like to battle!

**Mario:** Yeah, well Mario would not!

**Text Box:** CASINO MANAGER sent out RANDOM SLOT MACHINE!

**Random Slot Machine:** Random! Random!

**Mario:** Whoa, what the heck am I supposed to do here?

**Text Box:** MARIO sent out BUSTED OVERALL BUTTON!

**Busted Overall Button:** BUSTED!

**Text Box:** What will MARIO do?

**Mario:** I can tell you what Mario will do! He's going to get the heck out of Dodge!

**Casino Manager:** Isle Delfino.

**Mario:** You know what I meant!

**Text Box:** Can't run from a TRAINER battle!

**Mario:** But we're not Trainers!

**Text Box:** Still can't run from a TRAINER battle, FATTY!

**Mario:** Even electronic dialogue boxes insult me?

**Casino Manager:** Come on, make your move already! I have more poker games to lose at!

**Mario:** Fine! Busted Overall Button, use a ram attack!

**Text Box:** BUSTED OVERALL BUTTON used RAM!

_Busted Overall Button flies at Random Slot Machine and bounces off of it._

**Text Box:** It's not very effective...

**Mario:** Dang it!

**Text Box:** The foe's RANDOM SLOT MACHINE used BULLET COIN!

_Coins begin spewing violently from Random Slot Machine. Mario covers himself with his arms to avoid injury, but Busted Overall Button is not so lucky. Its health quickly lowers to zero._

**Text Box:** Critical hit!

**Busted Overall Button:** BUSTED...

**Text Box:** BUSTED OVERALL BUTTON fainted!

**Casino Manager:** Ha! Choose your next battler, Mario!

**Mario:** What do I have that I don't even know about?

_A screen pops up in front of Mario, showing two battlers: Smelly Plunger and Toad._

**Mario:** How's a Smelly Plunger supposed to help me? Go, TOAD! ...I mean, Toad!

**Toad:** Yo, Mario! What's up?

**Mario:** We're in the middle of a battle, that's what! Help me win against the Casino Manager! And where the heck did you come from?

**Toad:** I was eating ice cream when I randomly teleported here!

**Text Box:** What will TOAD do?

**Mario:** Alright, Toad, what are your attacks?

**Toad:** Attacks? Well, I've studied Hapkido before.

**Mario:** Really? For how long?

**Toad:** A couple weeks. I broke my finger trying to punch a bag with my pinky and never went back again. But I know how to do a good roundabout kick!

**Mario:** You mean roundhouse kick.

**Toad:** No, it was definitely a roundabout kick.

**Text Box:** What will TOAD do?

**Mario:** I'm thinking! You had an oversized mallet with you in Mario Party 3, didn't you?

**Toad:** Sold it on eBay.

**Mario:** Can you sell me a Star and make me a Superstar?

**Toad:** The whole "Superstar" thing was a bunch of crap. I was just selling a punch of plastic shapes with eyes painted on them.

**Mario:** Can you give me some advice on how to enter paintings and perform backflips?

**Toad:** I wasn't present for that.

**Mario:** Can you sit in a bathroom and cry while my brother searches frantically for me?

**Toad:** Yes, but how will that help?

**Mario:** Can you spell "Schwarzenegger"?

**Toad:** No.

**Mario:** Can you stand on your head?

**Toad:** Yes.

**Mario:** Do you have any Little Toadies?

**Text Box:** What will TOAD FREAKING DO?

**Mario:** Geez! Fine! Just do a roundabout kick!

_Toad runs up to Random Slot Machine and throws a sideways kick at it. Before his foot even connects, he slips and lands on his tailbone. Tears spring to his eyes._

**Text Box:** RANDOM SLOT MACHINE used ROULETTE SPIN!

_Random Slot Machine's slots begin spinning up and down rapidly. The images on each slot become colorful blurs._

**Mario:** No, Toad! Don't look!

_He is too late. Toad looks into the spinning slots. His eyes begin glossing over. He turns to Mario._

**Toad:** Are you a taco?

**Mario:** What?

**Toad:** How come the sky is blue instead of purple with green stripes?

**Text Box:** TOAD is confused!

**Mario:** Snap out of it, Toad! Go for another roundabout kick!

**Toad:** Okay, mom. Why is my arm a sausage? It looks so tasty.

_Toad raises his arm to his mouth and begins gnawing on it. Saliva drips down his wrist. Mario grimaces._

**Text Box:** TOAD is confused! It hurt itself in its confusion!

**Casino Manager:** You've met your match, novice Pouchcreat Trainer! Quit while you can and maybe I won't run you out of my casino!

**Mario:** Not a chance!

**Casino Manager:** Fine. Random Slot Machine, use Bullet Coin.

_Random Slot Machine launches another barrage at Toad, who is too busy gumming his arm to notice or care. Toad's health is quickly lowered to zero._

**Mario:** Dang it! Only one battler left! Go, Smelly Plunger!

**Smelly Plunger:** I am Smelly Plunger.

**Text Box:** RANDOM SLOT MACHINE used LIGHT UP!

**Mario:** Whoa whoa whoa, how come Random Slot Machine goes first this time?

**Casino Manager:** Your Smelly Plunger is too slow to keep up. Don't you know anything about Pouchcreat?

**Mario:** No!

**Text Box:** SMELLY PLUNGER'S accuracy fell!

**Mario:** So what? Smelly Plunger, use Face Poke!

_Smelly Plunger zooms at Random Slot Machine's face and sticks to it. A few seconds later, it pops itself off with a squelch, leaving a small bit of poo behind with it. Random Slot Machine activates windshield wipers and wipes the mark off._

**Casino Manager:** Twenty-first century technology, my boy! Gotta love it!

**Text Box:** RANDOM SLOT MACHINE used BULLET COIN!

**Mario:** Stop using that move!

_Smelly Plunger's health is taken down into the red zone. Mario bites his lips in frustration._

**Mario:** Isn't there anything else I can do?

_Another screen pops up in front of Mario, this time with a list of words. He sees three items: Porous Rubber Ducky, Delfino Tourist Map, and Special Revive Item That Will Totally Make You Win This Fight Especially If You Buy A Half Million Of Them And Spam Them In All Your Toughest Battles. Mario selects the last item and holds up the faintly-breathing Busted Overall Button._

**Mario:** I need you to win for me, Busted Overall Button! With this Special Revive Item That mehhh ehh I will bring you back to full fighting power!

_Mario uses the item on Busted Overall Button, who bounces onto the ground, full of vitality once more._

**Text Box:** RANDOM SLOT MACHINE used BULLET COIN!

_The coins fly into Smelly Plunger, knocking it down to the floor._

**Smelly Plunger:** I was Smelly Plunger.

**Text Box:** SMELLY PLUNGER fainted!

**Casino Manager:** Looks like you're out of Pouchcreat, Mario! For once, I actually won something!

**Mario:** Not quite. I have brought back Busted Overall Button from the clutches of death, here to challenge you once more!

**Casino Manager:** And how is that thing I defeated so easily before supposed to help you now?

**Mario:** Like this! Busted Overall Button, enter into Random Slot Machine's coin slot and wreak havoc!

**Casino Manager:** That's not an attack!

**Mario:** It is now!

_Busted Overall Button zips forward at lightning speed and enters precisely into Random Slot Machine's coin slot. Smoke pours from Random Slot Machine and causes the Pouchcreat to shake. Finally, Random Slot Machine explodes._

**Text Box:** RANDOM SLOT MACHINE died!

**Busted Overall Button:** BUSTED!

**Casino Manager:** Nooooo! If only I had thought to think outside the box! Now I think it's thoughtless to think I could have thought outside the box! It's unthinkable!

**Mario:** I won't give your loss a second thought.

**Casino Manager:** And I'm all out of Pouchcreat! Professor California Redwood told me to catch more Pouchcreat, but I didn't listen and now I lost!

**Mario:** Seriously? A bit of good luck after all!

**Casino Manager:** For this humiliating loss, I give you 185 coins!

_The tuxedo rental Pianta's words ring in Mario's mind:_

**Imaginary Tuxedo Rental Pianta:** _[voice echoing]_ That brings it down to...one eighty-five.

**Mario:** I have enough money now.

**Casino Manager:** Yes, but there's a catch.

**Mario:** What's the catch?

**Casino Manager:** I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! VIOLENCE SOLVES EVERYTHING!

**Text Box:** CASINO MANAGER is enraged!

**Mario:** I know he is!

**FLUDD:** I would suggest running if you don't want the Text Box to be reporting your death next.

_Mario turns and runs away. Casino Manager gives chase, screaming gibberish as he does. None of the casino players so much as glance at them. They run around the giant roulette several times, never thinking to cross the center. Dizzy, Mario stops for a breather. Casino Manager runs into him, not paying attention, and smashes Mario forward. With a sound like a rocket launcher going off, Mario screams through the air and crashes through a wall covered in question mark tiles. On the other side of this wall, he lands on a warp pipe, rolls on the rim a few times, and falls in._

**Mario:** Whoa...where am I?

**Invisible Choir:** Doo doo - doo - doo doo - doo - DOO!

**Mario:** Back here again? Oh, no!

**Shadow Mario:** Oops! I forgot to steal FLUDD!

**Mario:** Way to randomly show up, punk.

**FLUDD:** Yeah, no. I've been here long enough.

_FLUDD turns and blasts Shadow Mario with water, suspending him in air for a bit before he plummets off the edge of the block, screaming._

**Mario:** You really saved me...

**FLUDD:** That Pouchcreat battle has diverted you from your main goal for far too long. Get going before I turn you into a bubble mummy.

_Feeling somewhat fuzzy after FLUDD's backhanded help, Mario proceeds through the obstacle course, jumping, dodging, flipping, breaking bones, crying, suffocating through Idiot Stopper, and losing thirty lives before finally reaching the Shine Sprite at the end. Covered with tears and leftover foam, Mario grabs the Shine Sprite and holds it close to him._

**Mario:** Oh, Shine Sprite, you are such a comfort in these dark and chaotic times. You bring me hope, light, and the chance to escape from a stage that must have been at least partially inspired by a Beatles song. Any Beatles song, really.

_Behind him, a woman in the sky with diamonds floats by. Mario doesn't notice and continues clinging to the Shine Sprite._

**FLUDD:** Get up, Moronio. There are only a handful of episodes left. The sooner you complete them, the sooner you and I can be rid of each other.

**Mario:** Good luck with that. With how often Mr. Writer updates, you'd think he keeps entering into freak comas.

**FLUDD:** But is that so strange coming from the personification of laziness?

**Mario:** Stay tuned; two hundred years from now, Mr. Writer will be thawed from cryogenic stasis to publish the next chapter. In another millennium the story should be complete.

**FLUDD:** Now hurry up and teleport already.


	22. New Security, Voices, and King Boo

_Two bundled-up people walk through a snowy wasteland, leaning against the frozen wind. The man in front looks to his left and sees a large block of ice sticking out of the ground._

**Man 1:** What's that?

**Man 2:** Looks like an iceberg or something.

_The two men tromp over to it and bend down. An object is stuck inside of it._

**Man 1:** It's a laptop, frozen in the ice. Quick! Get it out!

_After a bit of digging, the men hold the frosty laptop in their hands. Man 2 presses the power button. To their surprise, it blinks to life. The screen opens to a website showing a number of stories._

**Man 1:** Hey, what's this?

**Man 2:** I don't believe it! It's the next chapter of Blooper Mario Sunshine! He actually got around to writing it!

**Man 1:** And here in the second Ice Age, I thought there was nothing interesting! Crack out the soylent green, Eric - we're taking this back to the igloo!

_Giddy with excitement, the two men rush the laptop back to their miniature icy house, sit down, and read away._

* * *

**Narrator:** Mario escaped from the Strawberry Fields Forever, also known as the Secret of Casino Delfino, with another Shine Sprite in hand. Now some thirty-odd lives less than he had in the previous episode, he prepares to tackle Episode 5.

**Pianta Wearing Episode 5 Shirt:** _[raising his hands in defense]_ Look, man, I'm not getting involved in this. I just bought this at a garage sale six years ago.

**Mario:** Where's your sense of adventure?

**FLUDD:** Where's YOURS, Pasta Boy?

**Mario:** At home, in a suitcase, underneath my bed.

**Narrator:** Little did he know, there were greater horrors awaiting him than angry casino managers and the Beatles' Song Incarnate...

_Mario hops back into the Sirena Beach pipe, lands in the water, struggles for an hour against the riptide, and crawls up the Hotel Owner, dripping wet._

**Mario:** May I...rent a room...?

**Hotel Owner:** _[laughing]_ Oh, no. That's just for NPCs. We never let the main character spend the night at a hotel.

**Mario:** What?

**Hotel Owner:** It's an unwritten rule for every establishment inside a video game: no protagonists allowed inside anything that could disrupt the flow of the game. Unless, of course, it's part of a sidequest or it replenishes your health and Flower Points.

**Mario:** Great. Let me in. That IS where I'm going, right, FLUDD?

**FLUDD:** Indeed. Let the reunion begin.

**Mario:** Huh?

**Hotel Owner:** Sure thing! I'll go ahead and let you in to scare all our customers - it IS a haunted hotel, after all.

_The Hotel Owner laughs maniacally. Lightning strikes in the background while a few organ notes play. Swallowing loudly, Mario opens the doors, steps into the hotel, and looks around._

**Mario:** Hello? Anybody home?

_Two inches from the side of his face, a scowling Pianta appears, light shining onto him from below. Mario screams and backs up, falling into a pool of water. He holds up his left hand and looks at his now-dead watch. Grimacing, he takes it off and throws it into the pool, where twenty-eight of his other watches lay._

**Mario:** What are you doing staring at people like that, anyway?

**Pianta Worker:** I thought I saw something on your face. Come here.

_Mario hesitantly stands up and wades out of the pool. The Pianta Worker steps closer to him, staring at him wide-eyed. After a few seconds, he motions for Mario to turn his head. Mario gulps and looks away. The Pianta Worker slaps Mario, who goes flying back into the pool._

**Mario:** Are you done yet?

**Pianta Worker:** Yeah, I got it. No, wait...

_The Pianta Worker gestures for Mario to come near again. Mario hastily stands up, sloshes out of the pool, and runs to the nearest door. He grabs the handle, twists, and pulls outward to no avail._

**Pianta Worker:** I'd be careful what you do. We've stepped up the security recently.

**Mario:** _[whirling around]_ Stepped up the security? You can hardly get around this place! What more do you need?

**Pianta Worker:** The latest anti-theft system. It's proven to be quite effective.

**Mario:** How so?

**Pianta Worker:** Most anti-theft systems just loose an alarm or something.

_In a flashback, two burglars sneak through a window into the hotel. They grab several goods in a room and stuff them into a bag, checking around to make sure no one can see them. A moment later, a siren goes off. In a split second, the burglars are out the window and running down Isle Delfino._

**Pianta Worker:** We got tired of having our crap stolen, so we kicked it up a bit. The burglaries made us angry. GREEN with anger.

_In another flashback happening a few weeks after the first one, the same burglars climb through another window and begin looting the place. The two of them grab a bunch of high-priced objects and stuff them in a bag. The only sound in the room is the sound of them moving. Without warning, Lou Ferrigno bursts out of the wall and punches the closest burglar in the head, sending him soaring into a cabinet. While the second burglar attempts to run away, Lou Ferrigno picks up a nearby anvil and throws it at him, then places the first burglar in a chokehold, gritting his teeth in rage._

**Pianta Worker:** And then the thefts stopped.

**Mario:** I bet. So where do I go now? What's wrong with the hotel this time?

**Pianta Worker:** Voices in the basement.

**Mario:** Go figure.

**FLUDD:** Go check it out.

**Mario:** Go away.

**FLUDD:** Goku.

**Mario:** Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog.

**Pianta Worker:** You guys are creeping me out.

**Mario:** You're one to be talking.

_FLUDD uses his Idiot Stopper on Mario. Coughing up a big, pure bubble, Mario wanders into the casino and looks around. The place is largely empty._

**Mario:** Hello? Any voices in here?

**Voice:** Yeah, actually. How are you doing?

_Mario screams and jumps into the fountain. When his oxygen bar starts beeping, he lifts his head out and peers around._

**Mario:** Who are you?

**Voice:** I am the voice of greatness. Obey me, and I will make you very rich and happy.

**Mario:** How so?

**Voice:** Just obey me and you'll find out. In the middle of the giant roulette, you'll see a purple space in a midst of red and green spaces.

_Mario walks to the roulette and looks at the purple space._

**Mario:** By golly, he's right! This IS a voice of greatness!

**Voice:** Of course. Now burn this building to the ground. The voice of greatness commands it.

**Mario:** Sweet!

**FLUDD:** Okay, Mario, that's going a bit far.

_Mario turns around and accidentally trips, landing on the purple space. To his surprise, the roulette begins to twist and sink through the floor. Mario, dumbfounded, sits and watches until the roulette stops into a large, circular room beneath the casino._

**Mario:** That was weird. I didn't know the purple space was actually a switch.

**Voice:** It wasn't. That was just you.

**Mario:** Oh, ha, ha, ha. A little pot belly never hurt anyone.

**FLUDD:** That's not a pot belly, Mario. That's a bowling ball covered in flesh.

**Mario:** Back off, FLUDD!

**Voice:** Enough of this. I am not the voice of greatness, although I have a voice, and I am great. You may remember me from an adventure not so long ago. Although it wasn't YOUR adventure, per se...

**Mario:** Listen, if you're referring to the movie, I never thought that was a good idea in the first place.

**Voice:** WORTHLESS LITTLE PLUMBER! _[mario shrinks back and shakes]_ I'm talking about the fake mansion we lured you and your brother to! We captured you, but your timid marshmallow of a brother rescued you and sucked me into a vacuum cleaner.

**Mario:** Wait, so you're...

_King Boo jumps up from the center of the roulette and spits his tongue at Mario. Mario turns still as a statue, and what little color is in his face fades._

**Mario:** King Boo?

**FLUDD:** What the...? Mario, can you hear me?

**Mario:** It can't be!

**FLUDD:** Mario, use your Plasma Beam! Mario!

_Mario stares at King Boo while the latter continues spitting his tongue out. A couple of people walk into the room._

**Mario Fan 1:** That's racist to plumbers! He never froze up like that when fighting previous bosses!

**Mario Fan 2:** Yeah, but that's because they didn't focus on story! Besides, there were sprite limitations to deal with!

**Mario Fan 1:** That doesn't excuse this break in his character!

_FLUDD and King Boo watch the Mario fans as they debate the issue back and forth, looking between the two of them. Mario, meanwhile, is still staring open-mouthed at King Boo._

**King Boo:** Are they ever going to let us fight?

**FLUDD:** Don't worry. They'll forget about this in a few years.

_Three years later..._

**FLUDD:** Okay, so perhaps I was wrong.

**Mario Fan 2:** No, no, no, no, NO! You just don't appreciate good character development!

**Mario Fan 1:** That has nothing to do with it! It's the plumber-racist attitudes that destroyed everything!

_FLUDD uses another Idiot Stopper on Mario, who snaps out of his fear and faces King Boo._

**Mario:** Alright, King Boo, you've met your match! I'll make sure you never leave here alive!

**King Boo:** Idiot! I'm already dead! Now think of the most painful way you could die...think of how I, with my great power and size, could crush you in a second!

**Mario:** Oh, no!

**King Boo:** Now toss that aside as I show you my Spinning Slot Machine of Random Humiliation!

_A large slot machine appears in the center of the roulette. King Boo hovers over it, saliva dripping from his hanging tongue._

**Mario:** What the heck does that do?

**King Boo:** When certain images line up on it, it shoots out all sorts of random crap like food, money, common enemies who don't know left from right, and special bottles of steam-distilled water! In this way, I shall bring you to your end!

**Mario:** Is he serious?

**FLUDD:** Unfortunately, yes.

_King Boo licks the slot machine and gets it started. Meanwhile, the roulette starts spinning slowly around the slot machine. The images on the machine line up as three pineapples. Winning music plays as King Boo spits out a bunch of fruit._

**Mario:** Fruit? What's he trying to do, make me die of food poisoning from a bad cantaloupe?

**King Boo:** That's the humiliation of it all!

**Mario:** For him, maybe, not for me. What do I do, FLUDD?

**FLUDD:** I won't tell you that until after you've already figured it out.

**Mario:** WHAT? Why?

**FLUDD:** Because that's my job, stupid. Now go experiment with boss strategies.

_Mario grumbles, picks up the nearest fruit, and throws it at King Boo. It explodes against him with no visible effects. Mario picks up another fruit and does the same thing. No effect. A minute later, after throwing everything he can find at the big ghost, the fruit disappears and the slot machine returns._

**Mario:** How does food just disappear in a puff of smoke? According to my chemistry course, matter can't be created or destroyed!

**King Boo:** That's the randomness of it all!

**Mario:** Maybe this IS a painful way to die.

_The battle rages on for over half an hour. A zillion enemies, fruits, coins (Mario feels rich for the first time in forever), and special bottles of steam-distilled water fill the room during that time, serving their purpose and then disappearing._

**Mario:** _[panting and dripping with sweat]_ Okay, King Boo...I'm sure one of these days I'll find out your weakness! This spiky durian should do you in!

_Mario feebly kicks a nearby durian, which rockets around the room, bounces off the walls, and hits Mario between the eyes. He screams one high-pitched note for twenty seconds, holding his forehead and slamming the floor. When the session is over, he stands up and bares his teeth, furious._

**Mario:** I hate those things! Sometimes they feel like moving a couple of inches when you rear back and kick them, and sometimes they feel like going to Mars when you lightly tap them! It makes me so mad!

_He picks up a red pepper and throws it blindly. King Boo, who has boredly stared at the walls for the past half hour, turns his head and accidentally swallows the pepper. His tongue instantly lights on fire. King Boo shrieks and rubs his tongue, trying to quell the pain._

**FLUDD:** It seems to dislike spicy things!

**Mario:** Thanks a lot, FLUDD!

**FLUDD:** I do my job to perfection.

_Mario grabs a coconut and throws it at King Boo. To his surprise, it actually hurts him. Before he can pick up another, the fruit disappears, and the slot machine pops up again._

**Mario:** And so it continues. Squirt tongue with water.

**King Boo:** Spin big slot machine.

**Mario:** Land on three fruits.

**King Boo:** Spit out fruit from the bottomless depths of my innards.

**Mario:** Feed red hot pepper.

**King Boo:** Learn that tongues can spontaneously combust just like anything.

**Mario:** Throw solid fruit at head.

**King Boo:** Laugh in maniacal pain.

**Mario:** Squirt tongue with water again.

**King Boo:** Spin big slot machine again.

**FLUDD:** Give advice only when it's too late.

**Mario:** Land on three fruits.

**King Boo:** Be too lazy to get off my duff and squash him in the maximum four seconds it takes.

**Mario:** Chase rolling coconut around the room.

**King Boo:** Stare at the camera eerily.

**Mario:** Catch coconut and throw at head.

**King Boo:** Writhe in agony as I am defeated with the lucky number 3.

_At the end of this abridged fight scene, King Boo screams in pain and dissolves into nothingness. A Shine Sprite appears, floating around theatrically before settling in the middle of the room. Mario runs up to it and snatches it from the air._

**Mario:** It may be slow, hard work, but I'm getting near the end of the Shine Sprite list at last.

**FLUDD:** I beg to differ.

**Mario:** Eh?

**FLUDD:** A large portion of the Shine Sprites in this game are only acquired through collection of blue-colored cash or victory in random mini-stages. You have barely scratched the surface of the tip of the iceberg, my hapless host.

**Mario:** Seriously?

**FLUDD:** Alright, not quite. Perhaps you have scratched the side of the iceberg.

**Mario:** At any rate, I'm one Shine Sprite closer to the end. We at least have cause to rejoice.


	23. Candy Goop, Fight Scenes, and Scrambling

**Mario:** _[strumming on a guitar]_ A long time ago, me and my brother Luigi here...we was hitchhiking down...a long and lonesome island...when all of a sudden, there shined a Shiny Sprite...in the middle...of the island...AND HE SAID...

**Shiny Sprite:** Plaaaay the best gaaame in the world, or I'll eat your extra lives!

**Mario:** So Luigi and I looked at each other, and we each said...okay! So we played the first game that fell in our hands, and it just so happened to be the best game in the world! It was the best game in the world!

**FLUDD:** Mario!

**Mario:** What?

**FLUDD:** I command you to stop making pop culture references and get back to Sirena Beach.

**Mario:** _[sighing and putting his guitar away]_ Fine. What do I have to expect this time?

**FLUDD:** You'll find out when you hop in, won't you?

**Mario:** If it doesn't kill me first.

_Mario hops back into the Sirena Beach pipe and warps away. He lands on the shoreline and his jaw instantly hits the sand. All around him, he sees nothing but electric goop._

**Mario:** What happened here?

**Hotel Owner:** What DIDN'T happen here? What supernatural being have I offended? What mummy's tomb have my ancestors defiled? I'm cursed, I tell you! Cursed!

**Mario:** It seems like it at this point.

**Pianta Worker:** Sir, I have bad news to report. Your pet gerbil choked on its own food, keeled over, and died.

**Hotel Owner:** Noooo!

**Pianta Worker:** I'm sorry, sir.

**Hotel Owner:** Mario, you've gotta help me! We can't clean this up by ourselves! There are customers trapped under the goop! Please, Mario, clean up the stuff before they're all fried like bacon!

**Mario:** Where?

**Hotel Owner:** _[eyes bulging with rage]_ WHERE? _[grabs Mario by the collar and punches him]_ EVERYWHERE!

**FLUDD:** Has my jerkishness rubbed off on you, Mario?

**Mario:** _[massaging his face]_ Perhaps so. I just spray everything with water, right?

**FLUDD:** Yes. But if you don't do this in a limited time, you die.

**Mario:** I die? But they're the ones trapped under the goop!

**FLUDD:** This game does not explore such adult themes. We would much prefer to sock an Italian plumber with instant death than reference Piantas and Nokis being baked to crisps.

**Mario:** Oh, that's fair!

**FLUDD:** I would get going, Mario.

_Mario starts running around and spraying water everywhere he can find it. The goop quickly disappears, but the timer also runs down. After clearing the beach, Mario moves up to the garden area._

**Pianta Worker:** _[nonchalantly moving a push broom back and forth]_ I hate my job.

**Mario:** I bet you do! Give me some more help here!

**Pianta Worker:** Hey, I'm doing the best I can.

**Mario:** You're not even looking at the goop.

**Pianta Worker:** I hate the colors blue and yellow.

**Mario:** I'm going to die if this isn't cleaned up before..._[checks his watch]_ a minute and a half is up! Put some elbow grease into it!

**Pianta Worker:** I am. See?

_The Pianta Worker points to his right elbow, where a thick brown liquid is oozing out. Mario grimaces._

**Pianta Worker:** Here, have some. You seem to be obsessed with it. _[starts rubbing it on Mario's shirt]_ See? Elbow grease.

**Mario:** That's not what I meant, you lunatic! Put some elbow grease into your LABOR, man. Get away from me!

_Mario scampers off while the Pianta Worker mutters to himself. The plumber sprays as much goop as he can find, slowly clearing the hotel area off. He bumps into another Pianta Worker with a push broom._

**Another Pianta Worker:** Heads up, guy!

**Mario:** Yeah, thanks for the warning. Aren't you concerned about electrifying the crap out of yourself?

**Another Pianta Worker:** Oh, no. The soles of my feet are thick enough to dull out the shock. I'm perfectly fine! _[trips]_ Oops!

_Lightning crackles underneath the fallen Pianta Worker's body as he howls. Guess the rest of his body isn't as absorbant. Mario feels for him, but his time is getting shorter. He resumes his quest of cleaning Sirena Beach. A Noki pair pops up from the goop, covered in the electrifying stuff._

**Noki Man:** Holy mackerel! This stuff stings!

**Noki Woman:** Yes, it certainly is SHOCKING, isn't it?

_An obligatory laugh track plays. Mario rolls his eyes._

**Noki Man:** You have a demented talking water shooter, right? Clean us off!

_Mario sprays them down, wiping off the goop. A second later, they jump for joy, sparkling clean again._

**Noki Woman:** This is wonderful! How can we ever thank you?

**Mario:** Well, you know, thanks isn't really -

**Noki Woman:** I know! Here, take this blue coin I found buried in the back of my purse! Maybe when you gather enough of these gosh darned things, you'll get a Shine Sprite from an evil extortionist beaver in a straw hat that holds about a fifth of the island's power source for his own greedy ends!

**Mario:** Come on, there's no way something like THAT would happen.

**FLUDD:** One minute left, Mario.

**Mario:** Right! Thanks for the coin, lady!

_Mario takes off and squirts water everywhere. Sirena Beach is nearly cleaned off now. He runs up, panting, to the hotel spot. After a bit more spraying, the Pianta Couple Bratty and Stupid spring up from the goop._

**Snobby Pianta Woman:** This stuff is nasty, and it shocks! Don't just stare at me, idiot! Do something!

**Mario:** Okay.

_Mario kicks her back into the goop, and she sinks down like a rock in water. He sprays the small bit of goop she's in, bringing her back up._

**Snobby Pianta Woman:** That was mean, you buffoon! I'm gonna -

_The goop spreads and reaches her. She goes down once again. Mario squirts her spot. She pops up and screams at him. The goop catches up to her. This process continues for the next thirty seconds. (You KNOW you've done this at some point or another.)_

**Dumb Pianta Man:** If my wife keeps coming up and sinking through the goop, does that mean it has the power to suck people down?

**Mario:** Well, what do you think, Prof. Einstein?

**FLUDD:** Mario, you're going to die in ten seconds.

**Mario:** Oh, crap! Gotta get back to work!

_Mario starts cleaning the rest of the area like a madman. Dumb Pianta Man stands and thinks for a second._

**Dumb Pianta Man:** Being trapped in that goop wasn't so bad, actually. The goop tasted pretty sweet...kinda like candy. Who would be interested in something like that?

_Some distance away, a short man in a bright purple outfit and top hat scoops up some of the goop in a glass container. He stares at it almost insanely._

**Willy Wonka:** Yes, this is it! This is the new great candy I will create! 38% scrumpdiddilyumptiousness, 22% lightning element, and 40% pure evil! Imagine the ways I can off little kids with this ingenius concoction! Time to open the factory again, boys!

_And that is how ShockTarts were made._

_Meanwhile, Mario finally completes his mission with 00:014 seconds left. He places his hand on his chest to prevent his heart from beating its way out of his body._

**Hotel Owner:** Oh, thank you, Mario! You've saved the ten or so customers that reside in this massive formerly-4-star hotel! You're a real hero, Mario!

_A Shine Sprite appears as a pigeon poops on the Hotel Owner's shoulder. While the unfortunate Pianta screams at the skies, Mario runs to the Shine Sprite and grabs it._

_Back in Delfino Plaza..._

**Mario:** Whew. So that leaves, what, two episodes left to Sirena Beach?

**FLUDD:** Yes. And then you shall experience eight final episodes of Pianta Village.

**Mario:** Then what happens?

**FLUDD:** _[camera zooms in]_ The end.

**Mario:** Then what happens?

**FLUDD:** The credits.

**Mario:** Then what happens?

**FLUDD:** I kill you with my Idiot Stopper for saying "then what happens" over and over again.

**Mario:** Then what happens?

**FLUDD:** I upgrade my hardware, develop limbs, migrate to Vegas, monopolize the casinos, and lead a crime syndicate.

**Mario:** That WOULD suit you, wouldn't it?

**FLUDD:** Hop back into the pipe, Moronio. There's someone you need to meet for the umpteenth time in a row.

_Mario does as he is told and winds up on the shore of Sirena Beach once more. Without wasting time, he makes his way to the Hotel Owner._

**Hotel Owner:** You again? But didn't you just come through here?

**Mario:** Well, what do you think? Did he even remotely look like me?

**Hotel Owner:** Sure, he was entirely blue, held a giant paintbrush, had glowing red eyes, and sounded like he'd been kicked between the legs by Chun Li. _[leans toward Mario]_ Seems kinda like you.

**Mario:** Yeah, no. Let me in, I'll take care of this.

_The Hotel Owner shrugs and lets Mario in. The hotel sign falls and conks the Hotel Owner on the head. Before he can say anything unseemly in a K-rated story, Mario closes the doors and looks around. His eyes immediately fall on a shiny blue figure at the receptionist's desk._

**Receptionist:** _[speaking like her nose is clamped shut]_ And that would be...?

**Shadow Mario:** Mario. SHADOW Mario. I believe I booked a reservation here a few days ago.

**Receptionist:** Oh, here you are. You're in Room 15 on the second floor.

**Shadow Mario:** Thank you, ma'am.

**Mario:** Hey, you no-good, ripoff piece of crap imposter! What do you think you're doing here?

**Shadow Mario:** Renting a room. Duh.

**Mario:** Don't you have a place at your hideout or something?

**Shadow Mario:** How would YOU like to sleep in a bed where the temperature is 150 degrees Fahrenheit, ash fills the air, and lava is constantly dripping into your eyeballs?

**Mario:** No wonder your eyes are so red.

**Shadow Mario:** Yeah, exactly. Compare that to a 4-star...I'm sorry, 3-star - hotel and see what conclusions YOU draw.

**Mario:** Nevertheless, you are my archenemy! I will defeat you in Mortal Kombat as a true Street Fighter should, and I don't care if you're Dead or Alive!

**Shadow Mario:** Bring it on, rerun!

**FLUDD:** I said no pop culture references, Mario!

_Intense fight music plays as the two duke it out with each other. Whip cracks and sandbag punches are heard with every single move, no matter what they do. Shadow Mario rubs his eye nonchalantly and produces a series of punching sounds._

_After a few seconds of fighting, Shadow Mario runs up the stairs. Mario follows him and lands in a fighting stance at the top, looking around wildly. There appear to be seven Shadow Marios in the room. When he steps close to one, it turns into a Boo. He punches it through the head and sends it soaring away. From the corner of his eye, he sees the real Shadow Mario running away. He takes after him, catches up to him, and kicks him through the wall._

_On entering the hole in the wall, a musclebound, shirtless Mario finds himself in a room composed entirely of mirrors. It now looks like there are hundreds of Shadow Marios. He walks around cautiously, hands up to react to anything. Something moves behind him, but when he turns around, Shadow Mario slices him across the belly. To make his enemy easier to spot, Mario slams his fist into the nearest mirror. His eyes widen as he holds up his crinkled hand and tears spring to his eyes._

**Shadow Mario:** Ha ha, loser! I can't believe you -

_Mario hears Shadow Mario's voice, turns, and punches him in the gut. The blue clone clutches his stomach and sinks to his feet, mouth hanging open. A Shine Sprite appears in the middle of the room. Mario walks to it and grabs it (creating another whip crack), teleporting out of the level._

**Mario:** _[putting his shirt back on]_ That oughtta put him down for awhile. There's one more episode of Sirena Beach, right? Then I move on to another place.

**FLUDD:** Correct. It's time to see you scramble around again.

**Mario:** That sounds ominous.

_Mario returns to Sirena Beach once more and goes to the Hotel Owner, who is massaging a large bump on his head._

**Mario:** Anything happening today that threatens to kill me in or around this hotel?

**Hotel Owner:** Not to YOU, no. To the best of my knowledge, the hotel is relatively free of plagues. I, on the other hand...

**Mario:** Gotcha. _[entering the hotel]_ Then why would there be anything that a Shine Sprite -

_Twenty feet in front of him, right in the lobby, is a big red switch. Mario stamps his foot._

**Mario:** Another one of these things? I die if I don't collect all the red coins in time! How does that happen?

_In the corner, a young Japanese man with black hair leans over a book with "Mario" written in it repeatedly. With one hand he begins writing a name in the book, and with his other hand he takes a potato chip and eats it._

**Mario:** Might as well start the adventure, I suppose. Got to get it over with sometime.

_Mario hits the switch and a timer appears on the screen. Gritting his teeth, he runs around the first floor, searching anything and everything for a red coin. He dashes into the girls' bathroom, then comes dashing out just as quickly when screams and a bunch of cosmetics are thrown at him. At least, however, he has a red coin._

_His search takes him to the second floor. He grabs a door by the knob, pulls it a few times, then kicks it open. A Noki pair (the same pair FLUDD had told that Mario was a psycopathic killer) yells and shields each other. Mario ignores them and inspects their room, throwing furniture to the side._

**Mario:** Where is it? Where is the coin?

**Noki Man:** Look, you can have our coins! Just leave us alone!

**Mario:** No, I want RED coins! Something bad will happen if I don't get them!

_The pair screams louder. Mario decides the red coin isn't in the room with them and bursts into the next room, where a similar routine takes place. He finds his coin and leaves, ducking to avoid a frying pan chucked at his head._

_Four minutes later, he has seven of the necessary eight red coins. His time is growing shorter, and the Japanese guy in the lobby is becoming more excited. Mario bounces into the ventilation ducts with only thirty seconds remaining._

**Mario:** I can make it. I know where the last one is, but I just have to get there before I die!

_Ten seconds remain. Mario comes to a stop in a wide area of the ducts and sees a crack in the floor. He stomps his foot into it, falls through, hits a trick tile in the third floor, keeps going, crashes through the second floor, and lands on the last red coin at the bottom. The peaceful music of accomplishment plays, but Mario's back is too destroyed for him to enjoy it properly._

**FLUDD:** Impressive, Mario. What words do you have to say in commemoration of this event?

**Mario:** AAAAAAHHH!

**FLUDD:** Good enough. Now make your way to the lobby. Your Shine Sprite is waiting.

_Mario picks himself up on his fingers and toes and slowly marches himself out of the room and into the lobby. It takes him five more minutes to reach the Shine Sprite and another ten minutes before he can stand up and touch it._

**Mario:** Sirena Beach is done with...yay...what a sense of relief...it can't be too much harder from here, can it?

_FLUDD bends his nozzle into an evil smile._

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Before we leave this emotional triumph of Mario, I want to officially announce the launch of my blog. If you like what you see in Blooper Mario Sunshine, perhaps you should give it a look. More information is in my profile.


	24. Rocket Nozzles, Guns, and Chomplets

**Narrator:** Mario conquered the trials of Sirena Beach, barely coming out of the ordeal alive. Each mission was more demanding than the last, until the only thing more difficult than what Mario had faced was stopping a ten million ton anvil from dropping on the hotel with his pinky finger. Actually, that's pretty interesting; let's see you do it, Mario.

**Mario:** No. No. No! Find some other nutcase to perform for you! _[thinks for a moment]_ Steve-O, maybe.

**Narrator:** I promise you will not go unrewarded.

**Mario:** What the heck are you supposed to give me in compensation? Do you even have a physical form?

**Narrator:** _[somewhat bitterly]_ Do you even have a brain? And yet you've come this far, haven't you?

**Mario:** There's a difference between facing overwhelming odds to save hapless idiots and achieving the physically impossible for no other reason than sport. Unless you'd like to do it first.

**Narrator:** No, I'm perfectly happy stating the obvious and predetermined from my lofty perch outside the spotlight. _[clears his throat]_ The only challenge left before the intimidating Corona Mountain was Pianta Village, which Mario is soon to find is anything but inviting.

**Mario:** And how's that?

**Narrator:** Mario is soon to find it.

**Mario:** Yes, but let me know in advance so I can prepare for it.

**Narrator:** When Mario leaves and stops asking dumb questions, he will find the enigmatic answer he seeks.

**Mario:** I don't want to wait until then.

**Narrator:** GOSH DANG IT, GO AWAY AND FIND OUT ON YOUR OWN! LEAVE ME ALONE! I ONLY READ WHAT'S IN FRONT OF ME!

_Mario grimaces, shrugs, and walks away. He makes his way through town, looking for the entrance to Pianta Village._

**Mario:** FLUDD, I can't find it.

**FLUDD:** It took thousands of years for man to invent light bulbs, cars, radios, and planes. I believe if you spend a bit longer than seventeen seconds looking for Pianta Village, you will find what you seek.

**Mario:** That's what I'm afraid of. I don't want to spend thousands of years looking for the village.

**FLUDD:** I'm about to make you afraid of something else.

**Mario:** Just give me a hint.

**FLUDD:** The entrance to Pianta Village is on this island.

**Mario:** Something more in-depth.

**FLUDD:** THE ENTRANCE TO PIANTA VILLAGE IS -

**Mario:** You're an idiot, FLUDD, you know that?

**FLUDD:** No, I am devious. There is only one idiot in the surrounding three feet.

_Mario starts checking the ground for bugs, hoping to clear his name. FLUDD douses him with the Idiot Stopper to send his point across. Frustrated, Mario stomps off, having absolutely no clue what to do._

**Mario:** I have absolutely no clue what to do. I've seen giant beams of light, red warp pipes, and random goo, and still no Pianta Village! Am I honestly going to have to walk a whole two miles to my destination? _[checks the clock]_ Actually, it's been a whopping thirty minutes since my last food break. Better chow down.

**FLUDD:** Do it and I will turn your food so soggy Spongebob would consider himself dry after seeing it.

**Mario:** You don't even know what I'm going to eat.

**FLUDD:** Doesn't matter. If you can't recognize it when it turns into a collective matter resembling Yoshi vomit, you're probably not going to eat it.

**Mario:** And now I've lost my appetite. Curse you, FLUDD!

**FLUDD:** Speaking of curses, you should get going toward your doom - I mean, Pianta Village on top of the Shine Tower.

**Mario:** _[eyes lighting up]_ Do you speak truly?

**FLUDD:** Would I lie?

**Mario:** It's more a question of whenever you're honest. So all I have to do is climb on top of the Shine Tower, and I'll find the entrance to Pianta Village?

**FLUDD:** In a Goomnutshell, yes.

**Mario:** Great! How am I supposed to make it all the way up there? Wishful thinking?

**Peter Pan:** Hey, works for me.

**Mario:** Has anyone ever told you you look just like Link?

**Shadow Mario:** Good thing I have this incredibly-convenient Rocket Nozzle! Gee, if Mario got his greasy palms on this, he'd be able to reach Pianta Village in a heartbeat! Better make sure he doesn't see me with -

**Mario:** _[whirls around]_ Whuzziss boutta Rocket Nozzle?

**Shadow Mario:** Dang it! I knew carrying a bright yellow, reflective objective through the most crowded place on the island was a bad idea for discretion! Well, I'll just have to show Mario what I've learned since we last met...

**Mario:** I'm ready for anything you have to throw at me, Shadow Mario!

**Shadow Mario:** _[points over Mario's shoulder]_ Look, a really hot chick!

**Mario:** Where?

**Peter Pan:** Where?

_In the confusion, Shadow Mario scampers off. When Mario realizes his mistake, he takes off after him, spraying him with water. They run all around Delfino Plaza, disturbing the peace and generally annoying everyone within a thousand-foot radius. After a few minutes of this, Shadow Mario stops, turns around, and pulls out a handgun._

**Shadow Mario:** You know what? This ends here.

**Mario:** _[holding his hands at neck height]_ Whoa, man, you can't do that.

**Shadow Mario:** _[cocks the gun]_ Yeah, says who? I've had enough of being humiliated by kiddy little tricks. Spraying water? What's that going to do to me, curdle my underwear? _[raises his gun to aim at Mario's forehead]_ I've decided it's time to upgrade to simpler, more convenient gadgets. Things that sing you to sleep and never let you wake.

**Mario:** Hey, nearby Pianta! I'm being held up! Help me out somehow!

**Nearby Pianta:** It's your fault the Shine Sprites left and the sky got all dark!

**Mario:** I thought we'd discussed that. Besides, he's got a freaking gun! All I allegedly did was vandalize a bit of the island. Is that really worthy of a bullet to the head?

**Nearby Pianta:** This is your fault! And don't you even look apologetic!

**Mario:** I'm not looking apologetic, I'm looking like a man about to get brained. What's wrong with you?

**Nearby Pianta:** Oonull booba noo-noo.

**Mario:** Pardon?

**Nearby Pianta:** _[jumping up and down]_ Mackabuh MUUHH humbum!

**Mario:** Well now you're just being stupid.

**Nearby Pianta:** Ooo hee hull huh huh!

_Shadow Mario shoots the ground by Nearby Pianta's left foot. Nearby Pianta jumps about a foot in the air and falls over into the ocean._

**Shadow Mario:** Now, where were we? Oh yes, I was taking an unnaturally long time to gloat about your death, giving your allies more than enough time to stop me before I do something irreversible.

_A spotted egg rolls off an adjacent roof and conks Shadow Mario in the head. Shadow Mario stands for a moment or two, blinking, then slowly keels over forward. The Rocket Nozzle clatters across the plaza and comes to a stop in front of Mario. When he gathers his bearings again, Mario grabs the nearest fruit the egg is thinking of and throws it at it. The egg hatches and reveals Yoshi._

**Mario:** Yoshi! You saved me!

**Yoshi:** I smelled the cry of distress from across the way.

**Mario:** It has a scent?

**Yoshi:** Yes, it smells like meatballs and stale spaghetti sauce. _[stretches his arms out]_ Anyway, I'm glad to be of help. You should take that Rocket Nozzle and launch yourself up to the top of the Shine Tower. So long as Shadow Mario has an IQ lower than a grease stain's, he should keep accidentally helping you along. I'll take care of him.

**Mario:** Are you going to kill him?

**Yoshi:** No, he and Bowser are like cockroaches: stupid, but impossible to kill. You go on ahead. Don't worry about this.

_Mario shrugs, grabs the Rocket Nozzle, and runs to the grassy edge of the Shine Tower. The thing is incredibly large._

**Mario:** I COULD use the Rocket Nozzle...but, you know, wouldn't it be cooler if I found a way to climb up using only the Hover Nozzle?

**FLUDD:** You could look at it that way. It should at least be entertaining.

**Mario:** I'm glad you finally agree with me. Now, to start with a wall jump to get to the first area...

_Mario kicks off the side of the Shine Tower and grabs onto the ledge. With strength born of insanity, he pulls himself up and stands beside the enormous Shine Sprite statue._

**Mario:** Should be pretty easy from here on out. The Hover Nozzle can propel me high enough to reach the outer rim of the top.

_Mario wall kicks off the closest wall to give himself some height. His foot slides off the wall and flings him backward into the revolving Shine Sprite statue, which begins to spin. When his heartbeat decreases to below 580 beats a minute, he pries himself off and prepares to try again. He manages to kick off a safe part of the wall and activates his Hover Nozzle. The water pours underneath him as he stretches his hands out. His fingers barely grasp the top...then the water runs out and he plummets. He screams a high-pitched note as he falls upside-down. In his vision, the spiked gate beneath the Shine Tower looms closer at an astonishingly fast rate. Just as his final memory flashes before his eyes, he turns at the last moment and avoids impaling himself. A huge splash of water goes up as he falls into the plaza canal. He floats on his back, staring at the sky blankly._

**Nearby Pianta:** Hey, you got the ground all wet! Such a trespass should be punishable by Death of Falcon Punch, the most epic death there is!

**Mario:** What a way to go, huh? _[pauses for a moment]_ Maybe I should just use the Rocket Nozzle.

**FLUDD:** Because bragging that you climbed a large structure in an unrealistic video game is worth thirty minutes of absolutely nothing, isn't it?

_Mario swims back to land and solemnly makes his way back to the Shine Tower. He installs the Rocket Nozzle and blasts to the top in two seconds. Once there, he finds a red pipe, obviously leading to Pianta Village._

**Mario:** Well, here it is. The genuine entrance to Pianta Village short of taking a five-minute hike. Hold onto your hat, FLUDD, 'cause things are about to heat up!

_Mario hops into the pipe and hits a deep puddle of goop. He flails his arms uselessly._

**Mario:** Okay, hold on, what is this?

_It's only then that he notices the "Out of Order" notice on the rim of the pipe. He slams his fist into the goop, spraying muck all over himself._

**Mario:** Now what?

**FLUDD:** I suggest you improvise.

**Mario:** Goop...please work. Please?

_No response._

**Mario:** Fine. I'll just try spraying water - that's always worked for activating these darned things.

_Mario uses FLUDD's Squirt Nozzle to dampen the goop. Slowly, ever so slowly, he begins to sink into it like quicksand. His eyes widen dramatically when he realizes what's happening._

**Mario:** I'm being eaten by a pipe! Somebody help!

_A random person throws a plunger into the pipe. It swallows Mario's hat and sticks to his head with a popping sound._

**Mario:** That's not funny! I'm a plumber and I know better!

_He is ultimately consumed by the goop. Twenty minutes later, he materializes on the outskirts of Pianta Village. His face is entirely blue from having to hold his breath. He lets his air out, gasping for precious oxygen._

**Mario:** What a long ride.

_He lifts his head and looks around. For some reason it's night. He sees a bridge in front of him and runs across it, ignoring the obnoxious wind demon enemy thingamabobs that plague him relentlessly. He comes to a stop on the far side, forgetting the wind thing is still following him. It slams into Mario, sending him forward. After muttering a few choice words, he stands back up._

**Mayor:** Oh, thank goodness you've come! We've been waiting for a - _[turns to look at Mario and notices the plunger on his head]_ Well holy crap! I ordered a hero, not Bozo the Clown! What are you doing here?

**Mario:** I was just about to ask the same thing. What life-threatening situation is occurring now?

**Mayor:** Our dear resident has forgotten to lock up the vicious flaming Chain Chomplets again.

**Mario:** Who, that guy?

_The camera turns to a twelve-foot tall bearded man in a grubby coat._

**Mayor:** No, Hagrid's Blast-Ended Skrewts are fine. He's just taken them for a vacation after one of them ate three of the students at Hogwarts. I'm talking about THAT woman.

_He points to a red Pianta screaming her head off into the night._

**Mayor:** She hasn't been normal lately. Just yesterday, she put a guy in the hospital when he asked for one of the potato chips she was eating, and she's recently entered the rock-eating diet. One of these days I think she's just going to lose it and kill us all. _[pats Mario on the back]_ Why don't you go talk to her, see if you can sort things out?

**Mario:** Wait, that doesn't make sense.

**Mayor:** Well, one of us has to take one for the team, and it might as well be a clown such as yourself. It DOESN'T float up here in Pianta Village.

_Mario throws the plunger away and grumbles, walking toward the Pianta woman. He stops and considers what to say._

**Mario:** So hey, I heard you were, uh...having a little trouble keeping your pet monsters under control. Not that there's anything necessarily wrong -

_The Red Pianta Woman turns around, shotgun in hand, and lowers it to Mario's stomach. Steam is pouring from her ears._

**Mario:** Come on, quit with the guns already!

**Red Pianta Woman:** Give me three reasons I shouldn't blow you away right here, right now, and I'll let you walk away intact!

**Mario:** One, I'm an innocent bystander, two, you can go to jail for a very, very long time for that, and three, I'm trying to help you.

**FLUDD:** And he thinks you're irresponsible with your pets.

**Red Pianta Woman:** That's it! Give me three MORE reasons I shouldn't annihilate you!

**Mario:** Because FLUDD said it, not me, because you can't pacify these things without me, and because I haven't done anything to offend you!

**Red Pianta Woman:** Some of those reasons are repeats.

**Mario:** Listen, I'm doing the best I can with a shotgun pointed at me! I'm under a little bit of pressure!

_Red Pianta Woman lowers the shotgun and glowers at him._

**Mario:** I'll find a way to get those guys back to normal, alright? Just hang tight for a moment. They'll be good as ever by the time I'm done.

_Before she can reply, Mario runs off, shaken from the experience. He stands in the middle of the tribe-like village and sees three flaming Chomplets hopping around, destroying things and causing chaos. He rolls his eyes._

**Mario:** Of COURSE some nut has to raise a bunch of invincible carnivores next to a village filled with children, and of COURSE I have to be the one to set things right when anarchy explodes. "Pet" is just an S away from "pest."

**FLUDD:** And it gets harder from here, pal.

_Mario inches closer to the first Chomplet and sprays it with water. It yelps and cools down to a manageable level, allowing Mario to grab it from the tail and swivel it around._

**Mario:** To cool these things off permanently, I should shoot them into the spring, right?

**FLUDD:** Very good, Mario. You have gained three IQ points.

**Mario:** If I launch this one at the building in front of me, it should ricochet just right into the spring, quickly and easily netting me a victory. Harvard, here I come!

_Mario releases the Chomplet. It flies away faster than he suspected, punching through the first couple of houses and imploding them instantly. Disgruntled Piantas arise from the wreckage and shake their fists at him. The Chomplet, meanwhile, comes to a stop on the other side of the village, reignites, and continues spreading destruction._

**FLUDD:** And you just lost those three IQ points.

**Mario:** Somehow I thought...oh, what does it matter! Let me just finish the job before the entire village implodes on itself!

**FLUDD:** Given the village's base, that's not completely impossible.

**Mario:** I feel paranoid now. What lunatics would build their settlement on nothing but a big tree and a bunch of large mushrooms?

**FLUDD:** Welcome to Delfino, baby.

_Mario chases down the Chomplet, puts its fire out, grabs it, and flings it into the spring. Discovering how enjoyable this really is, he tears off his shirt (for the umpteenth time this story) and heavy metal music plays. He dashes to the next Chomplet, sprays it down, and seizes it by the tail. Without a second thought, he shoots it off, demolishing another three houses in the process but landing it in the spring. With a battle-hungry war cry, he tracks down the next one, who starts to run from him. He cools it off and does to it what he did to the last two, rocketing it off. In the end, Pianta Village collapses behind him as he bullhorns the air with both fists._

**FLUDD:** Remember, always be kind to your pets...unless they spontaneously combust, escape their pens, and try to kill everyone in the vicinity, in which case a little violence to get your point across is somewhat justifiable.

**Mario:** Couldn't have said it better myself.

**FLUDD:** But now you should probably leave before the citizens tear you into little pieces.

_Putting his shirt back on, Mario sees the Shine Sprite in the spring and races to it, trying to ignore the furious Piantas chasing him from behind. They run in slow motion, wind whipping past their faces. Mario makes a final dive at the Shine Sprite and touches it with his fingertips, thereby completing the mission._

**Mario:** Warp, please. Warp. Warp. Warp.

_The Piantas resume normal speed and blot out the horizon with their numbers._

**Mario:** Yes, I know I got a Shine Sprite. I know I should do some goofy twirl and an even goofier sound effect. But I'm about to die, so, please, just warp.

_He teleports away just as they skid into the spring. The angry villagers wipe the water from their eyes and stumble around looking for him._

**Narrator:** And so Mario completed the first mission of Pianta Village. The moral of the story is, sometimes it pays to be totally broo-tall. And sometimes it lands you in a load of crap. Where is Mario in this mess? Find out next time on Blooper Mario Sunshine - the side of Mario you were never meant to see but always wanted anyway.


	25. Old Rivals, Viruses, and Mayors

_Mario dangles his feet over the edge of the Shine Tower, staring into the water below. A calm wind blows, ruffling his hair._

**Mario:** How beautiful the deep blue waters are, as if to cleanse my very soul. Perhaps I shall find the solace in them life does not offer in its cruel disposition.

**FLUDD:** I didn't know you were a poet, Mario.

**Mario:** I'm not, really. My first poems were gathered, burned, and scattered to the four corners of the earth, labeled crimes against humanity. But I think I really have a natural talent for it.

**FLUDD:** Do you? Perhaps you could learn from the greats.

**Mario:** Oh, yeah? Such as?

**FLUDD:** There was one poet who wrote during the Spanish Inquisition.

**Mario:** Uh-huh.

**FLUDD:** He was strapped to a board in a mice-infested room while a giant pendulum attempted to saw him in half. It made for a moving story. Why don't you do the same thing?

**Mario:** Why don't you put a sock in your nozzle?

**FLUDD:** Don't blame me when my Hover Nozzle doesn't activate and you plummet to your untimely death.

**Mario:** I'm beginning to think it's worth the risk. Well, better get going to Pianta Village. The sooner I can get the Shine Sprites, the sooner I can leave this island and be rid of you.

**FLUDD:** You cannot leave this island, Mario. The way is shut. It was made by those who are fat. And the fat keep it.

**Mario:** I bet.

_Mario jumps back into the pipe to Pianta Village and emerges on the other side, minus the drowning hassle. Unlike last time, the sun is out and shining brightly._

**Mario:** So what's there to kill me this time?

_Mario runs across the bridge and immediately stops on the other side, not believing his eyes._

**Mario:** You... But you're supposed to be dead!

_Standing in front of him is a short man with a metal Pianta hat on his head. Much of his body has been rebuilt as machinery. His right eye, now a mechanical red, lights up and contracts._

**Cyber Piantissimo:** Analysis indicates my greatest enemy has returned once again. Pure logic indicates I will grind him into Jammin' Jelly and feed him to a walrus.

**Mario:** But I killed you!

**Cyber Piantissimo:** _[red eye flashing dangerously]_ Oh you did, didn't you? Fun to watch as Il Piantissimo, world's greatest racer, plummeted into a piranha festival while Il Cheater, that is to say you, won the race? Am I to understand you garnered a certain sense of satisfaction from such an underhanded technique?

**Mario:** Everyone who saw the video on Facebook seemed to enjoy it.

**Cyber Piantissimo:** NO MORE OF THIS FOOLISHNESS! _[produces a laser cannon from his shoulder]_ I hereby challenge you to another race, Il Cheater, but the gloves are off this time. You may use anything at your disposal to reach the flag and win. But so may I. And I, might I add, have been what you call "pimped out mega-time."

**Mario:** I have a freaking water pump! You're going down, cyber boy!

_Cyber Piantissimo launches a laser shot over Mario's shoulders, singing part of his shirt. Mario stares at him wide-eyed for a moment, then spritzes water into his hands and pats the smoking part of his shirt down._

**Mario:** Your intimidation tricks fail to dissuade me! I will meet you in battle, you walking Easy-Bake Oven, and when I claim victory, I shall send you from the tops of the trees to the mushroom valley below, declaring my success for all -

_Mario awakens outside the pipe to Pianta Village in Delfino Plaza, one life short. He shakes his head and sits up, grateful the burn on his shirt has been restored._

**FLUDD:** You were saying, Mr. Water Pump Carrier?

**Mario:** I need something special to beat this guy. I realized that when my molecules dissolved into dust.

**FLUDD:** And was that more poetry you were attempting?

**Mario:** Now you see why I was killed so promptly. Well, nothing to do but try again, right? His technology's got to recharge sometime.

_Mario hops back into the pipe and materializes back inside Pianta Village. Cyber Piantissimo awaits him on the other side of the bridge._

**Mario:** Alright, alright, I'll race you. Now stop it with the rocket launchers and whatnot.

**Cyber Piantissimo:** I'm afraid I can't do that, Il Cheater. Not during the race.

**Mario:** Fine, but make it quick. I have an island of lunatics to save.

**FLUDD:** They're all counting on you, Mario.

**Mario:** And the people on Lost think they have it rough.

**Cyber Piantissimo:** On your mark...get set...

**Mario:** I'm sure this qualifies as something I don't approve of.

**Cyber Piantissimo:** Go! May the best cyborg win...and that rules YOU out!

_Cyber Piantissimo launches off the ground with a jetpack, blowing dirt and grass everywhere. Mario chases after him, flailing his arms and shouting wildly. Cyber Piantissimo reaches the flag in four seconds while Mario slides to a halt, hands on his knees._

**Mario:** I think that's enough action for today.

**Cyber Piantissimo:** I win, Il Cheater! It seems your dirty tricks are not dirty enough to smudge my over-inflated ego!

**Mario:** Yeah, well I -

_The world spins before Mario's eyes, and he passes out as it all goes dark. He awakens outside the pipe to Pianta Village and looks around, bewildered._

**Mario:** Wait a minute. What. The heck. Just happened?

**FLUDD:** You spoke to him. Therefore, you died.

**Mario:** I died? How? We exchanged verbal communication! How is that enough to kill me?

**FLUDD:** In case you hadn't noticed, things work differently here on Isle Delfino.

_In the plaza below, two Piantas talk with each other in front of the dolphin statue by the docks._

**Pianta #1:** I received your job application the other day, and I must say it's quite impressive.

**Pianta #2:** Thank you.

**Pianta #1:** However, times are tough with our company, so you understand we can't hire everyone. Unfortunately, the job opening is now closed, and we cannot employ you. Sorry.

**Pianta #2:** That's okay.

_Pianta #2's eyes roll up as he goes limp, tumbles over the side of the dock, and falls into the water._

**Pianta #1:** _[leafing through a collection of papers]_ Whoops, this WAS the guy we were supposed to be hiring. No wonder his application looked so good. _[glances at Pianta #2 floating in the water]_ Oops.

**Mario:** I've gotta get off this island.

**FLUDD:** Don't worry, he has an extra life.

**Mario:** But if he returns with an extra life, what happens with the body in the water?

**FLUDD:** Don't think about it, Mario. It will just make the world explode.

_Mario shrugs his shoulders bitterly and hops back into the pipe. A few seconds later, he stands before Cyber Piantissimo._

**Mario:** I suppose you're back to challenge me to yet another race?

**Cyber Piantissimo:** That I am!

**Mario:** Even though you clearly won and pointlessly cost me a life last time?

**Cyber Piantissimo:** That I am!

**Mario:** I would say this fits you under the category of "heartless moron," wouldn't you?

**Cyber Piantissimo:** That I am!

**FLUDD:** Analysis indicates a hardware malfunction in his technology.

**Cyber Piantissimo:** That I - I - I - I - I -

**Mario:** And now he's stuck.

**FLUDD:** I believe this would be an excellent time to circumvent his apparent epicness and win the race. It's better than being vaporized over and over again, is it not?

**Cyber Piantissimo:** You take that back, you...

_Cyber Piantissimo freezes as the offensive dial-up sound plays, causing Mario to cover his ears._

**Mario:** Okay, Piantissimo. I'm going to start the whole "on your mark" thing. On "go," we'll start the race. Deal?

_More dial-up._

**Mario:** I'm going to take your stony dial-up uninvolvement as a yes. On your mark...get set...go!

_Mario runs past Cyber Piantissimo, who slowly turns in jerky motions to follow the plumber. Mario makes it halfway across Pianta Village before Cyber Piantissimo finishes loading and gives chase. Not watching where he's going, Mario trips over a bamboo fence and falls into one of the village's many pits leading to the gates of the underside. Cyber Piantissimo activates his jetpack and flies by overhead._

**Cyber Piantissimo:** You still can't win, Il Cheater! Face it, you have no real talents at all! It must have been luck that let you defeat that moron King Browser! I mean Browser! ...Darn! Curse this built-in autocorrect!

_Mario wall-kicks his way back up the pit and emerges on the surface on more. Gritting his teeth, he tears a mushroom cap off his head and runs after the trail of smoke behind Cyber Piantissimo. His cyborg opponent reaches the tree the flag is on, mere seconds away from the goal._

**Female Automated Voice:** Your free trial of Totally Awesome Jetpack has expired. For unlimited jetpack flying and excuses to gloat in the face of a portly Italian plumber, please purchase the full version.

**Cyber Piantissimo:** Wait, what?

_The jetpack stops suddenly, causing Cyber Piantissimo to soar through the air, going just past the flag. He wraps his fingers around the edge of the platform the flag is on and hangs on for dear life. Mario, confused, runs all around the village._

**Mario:** I'm completely disoriented now! Where the heck do I go?

**Pianta Woman Holding Sign:** That way!

**Mario:** Oh, really? Thanks a bunch!

_Mario starts to run off. Pianta Woman Holding Sign stares at the sign in her hands, then turns it around._

**Pianta Woman Holding Sign:** Sorry, I was holding it backwards! The flag is the other way!

**Mario:** Just what I need when things are finally looking up for me!

_Mario runs to the huge tree, dashing up its slope. Cyber Piantissimo struggles to pull himself back up, grunting from the stress. Mario comes to a stop in front of the flag and the victory music plays._

**Cyber Piantissimo:** Il Cheater? How could you beat me?

**Mario:** Hey, I won fair and square this time.

**Female Automated Voice:** Your system is under attack by a number of severe viruses as detected by Completely Real and Not Fake Virus Killer. It has located over nine thousand samples of spyware, malware, noware, Ware'sWaldo, and Trojan Yoshis. For only five coins times the square root of 36 divided by 3 plus twenty thousand cents per month, you can eliminate this threat.

**Cyber Piantissimo:** Tell it I don't want it!

**Female Automated Voice:** Completely Real and Not Fake Virus Killer has sent the message "Go stick your head in a bucket of chicken fat."

**Cyber Piantissimo:** I knew I should have paid the extra money for the more-advanced hardware!

**Mario:** I hope you kept the receipt.

**Cyber Piantissimo:** The receipt is online, and I CAN'T ACCESS THAT WITH THIS STUPID VIRUS!

**Mario:** Nasty cold you have there.

**FLUDD:** I'm going to make you nasty cold if you don't hurry up and get that Shine Sprite.

_Mario only now notices the tinkling sound behind him. Seeing the Shine Sprite, he jumps up and grabs it, then warps back to Delfino Plaza._

**Mario:** A Shine Sprite closer to victory. I'll finally get to leave this island. Then I'll have a real vacation, just by myself.

**FLUDD:** That way you can die alone and no one will know of it for months.

_Silence passes for several seconds._

**Mario:** You have forever changed my outlook on life, you cursed machine.

**FLUDD:** That's my real job.

**Mario:** ...Back into the pipe?

**FLUDD:** Yes.

_Mario groans and jumps back into the pipe to Pianta Village. He appears at the edge of the village a moment later and his jaw hits the dirt. The first thing he notices is that it's mysteriously night again. The second thing he notices is that the entire village is covered in burning orange goop. Dragging his jaw along the ground, he walks to the village outskirts._

**Mario:** What happened here?

**Pianta Man:** Despite the many dozens of people who live in this village, a total lack of roofs, and near-continuous vigilance, we have no idea!

**Mario:** So all this stuff just appeared on its own?

**Pianta Man:** Yes. And even worse, the mayor is trapped on a house somewhere in that goopy inferno! Beats me how he got stuck there, especially considering he was helping everyone else escape in the process, but he needs help!

**Mario:** Oh, then this is easy. I can just spray water to dissolve the goop, and the mayor will be -

**Shadow Mario:** _[leaping by and stealing FLUDD]_ Ninja clone!

**Mario:** Oh, no, no. No! How are you always just "here" when I really, really don't need you?

**Pianta Man:** Even though there are hundreds of us on this island, nobody knows!

**Shadow Mario:** So long, sucker! Good luck reaching the mayor without FLUDD! Maybe your spit will do the trick!

_Shadow Mario fails to see where he is running, trips over the exterior fence, and falls into the burning goop. In the confusion, he tosses FLUDD far into the village, right onto the house the mayor is on. After screaming wildly, he dissolves into blue bubbles and fades away._

**FLUDD:** And here I am without a magazine.

**Mario:** Wait, this should still be easy. HEY, MISTER MAYOR! SEE THAT YELLOW AND SILVER DEVICE ON THE LEVEL BELOW YOU?

**Mayor:** WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

**Mario:** I SAID, DO YOU SEE THE YELLOW AND SILVER DEVICE?

**Mayor:** OF COURSE I DO! BUT I'M GOING TO STAND HERE AND SHAKE OFF THE GOOP ON ME IN SOME FRUITLESS ATTEMPT TO ALLEVIATE THE PAIN! WHY DON'T YOU GO THROUGH A LONG, ARDUOUS JOURNEY FACING DEATH AT EVERY TURN TO RESCUE ME?

**FLUDD:** I like that one.

**Mario:** YOU'RE A MORON, MISTER MAYOR! Alright, since common sense has left the island, how do I reach the mayor if I can't use FLUDD?

**Pianta Man:** You should be able to reach him if you go through the village underside. You know, it's that place beneath the village full of huge bugs and electric turtles over a giant abyss so deep you wouldn't hear the bottom if you dropped a nuclear warhead into it.

**Mario:** At this rate I'm considering nuking the island.

**Pianta Man:** The entrance to the village underside is on the opposite side of the surface. Good luck, guy!

_Muttering to himself, Mario stomps off, skirting the exterior of the village. To his left, he sees a Pianta laying in the burning goop and waving his arms and legs up and down through it._

**Pianta:** Look, guys! Goop angel!

_The Pianta instantly lights ablaze. Mario ignores him and continues walking around the village until he meets three Piantas, two of them dancing and one of them strumming on a guitar._

**Mario:** Not to seem rude, but are you guys helping?

**Pianta with Guitar:** Hey, there's nothing we can do, so don't get all mad at us, alright?

**Mario:** Have you considered calling 9-1-1?

**Pianta with Guitar:** I don't see how that'll help. _[cups his hands around his mouth]_ 9-1-1! See? Nothing happens.

**Mario:** With a phone, you idiot! Don't any of you have technology in this place?

**Pianta with Guitar:** Sorry, the most advanced piece of technology for a whole square mile is this guitar in my hands. So basically, we're all screwed.

**Mario:** No, not so long as you have cannon fodder plumbers at your disposal. Then there's always hope.

_Mario makes his way to the opposite side of the village, where he sees a Pianta man bent over a pit._

**Bent-Over Pianta:** I suppose you're here about the village underside.

**Mario:** Darn skippy. Now how do I get down there?

**Bent-Over Pianta:** Oh, it's simple. Just do one of those ground pound things into the gate at the bottom of this pit, and you'll be well on your way to rescuing the mayor.

**Mario:** That's it?

**Bent-Over Pianta:** Of course! Now get going, Mr. Hero!

_Mario rubs his hands together, then jumps into the pit and does a ground pound. He crashes through the bamboo gate, wraps his pinky finger around the mesh underneath the village, and sees his life flash before his eyes again. When he comes to, he is still alive, just barely hanging on with his pinky._

**Bent-Over Pianta:** See? It's totally easy! No problems at all!

**Mario:** Get down here so that I may paint your toenails with your kidneys!

**FLUDD:** I'm not getting any less osbolete up here, Mario.

**Mario:** You shut up, FLUDD! I'll get you in a second. Keep the mayor entertained. Tell some knock-knock jokes or something.

_Mario grabs the bamboo mesh with his hands, steadies himself, and climbs around the underside, following the mesh trail. He carefully works around a big yellow bug, which turns and stares at him with two large eyes as he passes by._

**Mario:** What're you lookin' at, butthead?

**Big Yellow Bug:** I like your hat.

**Mario:** I'm glad my hat has your approval.

**Big Yellow Bug:** You smell like spaghetti sauce.

**Mario:** It's a new Axe scent. Not "accent," Axe scent!

**Big Yellow Bug:** I'm going to kill you.

**Mario:** As everything wants to. I'm going to run away.

**Big Yellow Bug:** You can't kill me.

**Mario:** Yes, I'm aware half of everything in this game is invincible except for me! I need Yoshi to eat you things, and he isn't here right now!

_Mario scurries away from the bug as fast as he can, swinging along the mesh. He eventually reaches a moving gate and hops on._

**Mario:** Sorry, ugly, but I can't stick around. I've got an island to save!

_Mario reaches back and punches the gate with his fist. His hand goes straight through, dropping strips of bamboo into the abyss. He stares in disbelief as the bug slows behind him._

**Big Yellow Bug:** My left eye is twitching.

**Mario:** Mine is about to start twitching in a second. Just how poorly built is the village underside?

_The gate falls off and plunges Mario into the bottomless pit. Game over._

_But once again, he shall regain his lost life and continue for the sake of convenience. He shakes the gate a few times as the bug creeps up on him. At last, the gate moves ever so slowly to the other side, where he leaps off and grabs onto the mesh._

**Mario:** So long, loser! Go be creepy somewhere else!

**Other Big Yellow Bug:** I'm creepy.

**Mario:** Oh, not another one.

_Mario climbs away, soon chased by fifteen yellow bugs and eight electric Koopas. He sweats profusely and struggles to go faster as the creatures close in on him. He drops from the mesh, lands on a giant mushroom, and makes his way across the rest of the mushrooms, heading for the mesh wall a fair distance from him._

**Mario:** It would kind of help if I had my Hover Nozzle!

_He makes a daring leap and grabs onto the mesh wall, sliding down a few feet before catching his grip. When his heart settles down, he punches through a gate in the wall (creating another hole, much to his annoyance) and worms to the inside of the wall, climbing to a moving gate._

**Mario:** I know the trick at this point. Slamming it with your fist breaks it. I've gotta be more gentle with it, go with the flow.

_Mario opens his fist and sharply taps the gate with it. It gets off to a good start, then slows down and stops halfway across. Only the sound of the wind can be heard._

**Mario:** I really have to get off this island.

_The gate begins to shake. Before it can fall, Mario grabs the horizontal pole it's connected to and screams, his legs swerving around. The gate falls, never to be seen or heard again. Panting, Mario scoots across the pole with his fingers, his sweat joining the gate at the bottom of the pit (if such a thing exists). A few seconds later he arrives at another mesh ceiling and grips the bottom of it, moving to the center where a gate takes him upward. He kicks up through it, back at the surface once more._

**Mario:** FLUDD, you'd better still be there.

**FLUDD:** Relax, Mario. I haven't developed limbs yet. _[ominous music plays]_ Pray that day does not come soon.

**Mario:** That is going to give me nightmares. FLUDD with legs is a catastrophe waiting to happen.

**FLUDD:** Do I hear Vegas calling my name?

_Mario wall jumps his way up the shaft and lands on soft grass. Burning goop surrounds him on all sides, though a few clear patches lead the way to the mayor's building. Mario hops across, narrowly avoiding burning himself, and jumps up the mayor's golden-mushroom-topped-building. With a sigh of relief, he picks FLUDD up and holds him in front of him._

**Mario:** I don't think I've ever felt more grateful to see your misery-inducing nozzle, FLUDD.

**FLUDD:** Don't worry, Mario. You'll grow sick of it soon enough.

**Mario:** Yeah, I know that. I've spent more than enough time with you to figure that out. _[puts FLUDD on his back]_ Now then, Mister Mayor, how are you holding up?

**Mayor:** Oh, well enough. How are you feeling?

**Mario:** A little flustered. Let me clean that goop off you.

_Mario sprays the mayor with water until the orange Pianta is sparkling clean and jumping for joy._

**Mayor:** Oh, boy! I'm so happy, I'm going to bounce around like any responsible full-grown adult would! You've saved me!

**Mario:** Yeah, I'm glad. Still in pain?

**Mayor:** Like someone's thrown knives at me! But I'm okay now that you're here!

**Mario:** That's good. But seriously though, check yourself into the hospital. That stuff kills me in like three hits, and you've been wearing it like makeup for the last fifteen minutes.

**Mayor:** Certainly! To show my gratitude of being saved, I'd like you to have a key component of the island's power source! Without it, the island is plunged into perennial darkness and misery, causing all its denizens to fear for their lives!

**Mario:** And you were holding onto this why?

**Mayor:** I have no idea!

**Mario:** No one on this island does!

_A Shine Sprite appears above the golden mushroom. With a bit of effort, Mario hovers on top of it and takes the Shine Sprite._

**Mario:** What a night. ...I mean day. Actually, how is it night here but day everywhere else? Did going through the warp pipe really take that long?

**FLUDD:** The world is in danger of exploding, Mario.

**Mario:** Sorry.

_Mario warps away, a Shine Sprite closer to a real vacation off the island. The mayor looks around, a helpless expression on his face._

**Mayor:** Oh, so, uh...is anyone going to...take me anywhere? I'm still stuck here. Somebody? ...Help...?


	26. Barrels, Hot Springs, and Chucksters

_Mario materializes back into Pianta Village and runs across the bridge toward the mayor._

**Mario:** And suddenly it's daylight again. Am I unknowingly playing the Sun's Song or something?

**FLUDD:** And what would you play it on? The Kazoo of Time? Passed down through generations of the Royal Family of the Mushroom Kingdom? Do you know how many years the spittle of other people would lie on that instrument?

**Mario:** He may wear a bright green tunic and tromp around in tights all day, but he's more of a man than I am.

**FLUDD:** Doesn't say much for you, does it?

_Mario doesn't watch where he's going and runs into the mayor. He rubs his nose and shakes his head to dispel the dizziness._

**Mario:** Hey there, Mr. Mayor! What's threatening to destroy the peaceful village of modern neanderthals this time?

**Mayor:** Oh, just a gigantic flaming metal ball of death that's more upset than a mama grizzly missing her cub and being poked in the eye by little children. Pretty common stuff around here, actually.

**Mario:** So I've noticed.

**Mayor:** By the way, I'd like to thank you for abandoning me in the last episode and marooning me under that forsaken mushroom, isolated from the rest of the world by a sprawling sea of lava.

**Mario:** Oh yeah, forgot about that.

**Mayor:** In the time I was forced to wait for the lava to cool, I was able to understand my true self and learn the meaning of peace. I'd give you another Shine Sprite in gratitude if I could.

**Mario:** You're welcome?

**Mayor:** Besides, sitting on a dry wooden building next to searing flames and high wind wasn't so stressful. At least I have the voices in my head to keep me company.

**Mario:** Okay.

**Mayor:** But enough about the past. Our resident Hagrid wannabe has her hands full with the aforementioned flaming ball of death, so perhaps you should lend her some help.

**Mario:** FLUDD?

**FLUDD:** The flaming Chain Chomp is in need of a bath. You are to drag the Chain Chomp to the spring on the opposite end of the village, dunk it in the water, and reap the reward.

_Mario glances at the Chain Chomp, which roars, drools, and starts flailing on the ground in rage. He grimaces._

**Mario:** And how am I supposed to drag that thing to the hot spring? It weighs about a million pounds, and it's on fire!

**FLUDD:** That's where I come in. You hose the Chomp down, and it gets cooler.

**Mario:** What about the weight problem?

**FLUDD:** I recommend Weight Watchers. A steady diet-and-exercise program should cut down on that pot belly of yours.

**Mario:** I was referring to the Chain Chomp, not to myself!

**FLUDD:** In which case you pull with all your might, throw your back out, and we all laugh at you.

**Mario:** Great. Might as well get to it then, huh? I guess complaining won't do me any good.

**FLUDD:** I suppose you've learned a lot in this adventure, Mario, if that's the way you feel about it.

**Mario:** Hey, I'm not as stupid as I look.

**FLUDD:** Your point being?

_Mario walks to the Chain Chomp, which is now biting its chain furiously. He scratches his head and sizes up the situation._

**Mario:** Theoretically, the water from FLUDD should cool this guy down. That's as good a place to start as any.

**Green Pianta:** Wait! I have a great idea!

**Mario:** If it doesn't involve dying, humiliation, or searing pain, I'm all for it. What is it?

**Green Pianta:** First of all, shake my hand. It's rude not to introduce, you know?

**Mario:** _[shrugs]_ Okay.

_Mario grabs Green Pianta's hand and gives it a firm shake. Green Pianta responds by picking up Mario and hurling him into the nearest giant mushroom. The plumber splats against the stalk, pushing the mushroom back and generating a sound like thunder._

**Green Pianta:** Sorry, I'm just one of those Piantas that randomly throws you when you talk to me. Had to get it out of the way sometime.

**Mario:** _[sliding down the stalk upside-down]_ What is with this island's violent tendencies?

**Green Pianta:** But anyway, I've got an idea. See those water-filled barrels at the edge of the village, right beside the Chain Chomp's owner?

**Mario:** Yeah. All eighty-seven of them.

**Green Pianta:** Nah, that's just your whacked-out triple vision from the impact. I reckon if you pick one up and throw it at the Chain Chomp, all that water will come out and cool it down instantly. Pretty genius, huh?

**Mario:** "Pretty" and "genius" are two words which usually don't fit well in the same sentence. Just look at some of history's greatest minds.

_Mario rights himself, shakes his head to clear the dizziness, and strides to the barrels. Uncertain of the outcome, he picks one up and hurls it at the Chain Chomp. The barrel explodes against the side of it, showering water everywhere. The Chomp cools down and turns to Mario, the angriest expression in the world on its face. Mario is promptly eaten._

**Green Pianta:** See? The flames died down instantly!

**Pianta Woman:** Hey, what's going on? Is the situation any better?

**Green Pianta:** Kind of.

_Green Pianta picks up the Pianta Woman and throws her down a shaft to the village underside. A long scream and a crash is heard. Presumably, Green Pianta will at least receive a stern letter some time in the near future._

_The Chomp's mouth slowly begins to open as a red and blue figure begins to shove its way free, groaning from the stress._

**Mario:** What...IDIOT'S idea was it to throw a heavy object at a giant angry monster?

**Green Pianta:** I guess I should have mentioned that thing's chain is negligible.

**Mario:** Because of your pretty genius idea, I almost turned into dog food! You Piantas should learn to think with your brains and not with your arms every so often!

**FLUDD:** This coming from the King of Stupid himself?

**Mario:** FLUDD, not helping!

**FLUDD:** But being funny.

_Mario throws himself out of the Chomp as its jaws snap shut. He gets to his feet, wobbles for a second, and edges his way to the chain loosely holding the creature in place._

**Mario:** Well, here goes nothing.

_Mario bends over, grabs the chain, and heaves upward. A loud cracking sound is heard as tears spring to Mario's eyes. All Piantas within a fifty foot radius point at him and laugh._

**FLUDD:** That does look like nothing.

**Mario:** How am I supposed to explain this to my chiropractor?

_Twisting his body and popping whatever disjointed bones exist back into place, Mario lifts the tail end of the chain a few inches into the air, turns around, and strives to walk forward. The theme from Rocky begins to play as Mario grunts and sweats from the exertion, engraving a wide line into the ground as the Chain Chomp slowly moves. By the time the theme song ends, Mario has moved the Chomp thirteen inches._

**Mario:** Alright, this isn't working. I need to think of something else. I'll be here all day with muscles that resemble applesauce if I try it this way.

_The Chomp roars a couple of times, bouncing into the air, then bellows and reignites itself and starts hopping off. Mario watches the flaming form turn the corner and sinks to his knees, eyes wide and hopeless._

**Mario:** It's gone. All that work, gone like smoke in the wind. This is worse than eating soggy oatmeal.

_Untitled (How Could This Happen to Me) plays in the background as the camera gradually zooms in on Mario. Mario looks into the sky._

**Mario:** Alright, who keeps playing the songs?

**Narrator:** _[using his dramatic voice]_ I don't know what you mean.

**Mario:** Narrator, if that's you doing this, I am going to find you and shove a coconut into your ear canal. So tell me, is it you?

**Narrator:** Of course not. And I'm not at all suspicious.

**Mario:** Yeah, and Schwarzenegger isn't hard to spell. And you, Chain Chomp! Hopping around like some dumb puppy with a stick in its mouth! The only reason you're made of metal is because your mother married a garbage can! And let's not even -

_The Chain Chomp careens around the corner, making a tire-squealing sound and seething in anger. His plan taking action, Mario gets up and runs away, waving his arms around like noodles. The Chain Chomp bites at his heels, mere inches away from him._

**Mario:** If this works, I'll go down in history as the most insane problem-solver on the island!

**FLUDD:** If it doesn't work, you'll still go down in history. Really, what's one over the other?

**Mario:** I'd rather not be buried here. I'll be resurrected as a tree zombie or something.

_The hot spring comes into view as Mario starts wheezing from the sustained run. They enter slow motion as epic music plays (Mario glares at the sky again). He makes a ridiculous leap over the hot spring, spinning his arms in circles and kicking his legs through the air. He flies into a brown-haired angel resting in the spring and they tumble onto dry land. The Chain Chomp falls into the hot spring and cools down with a burst of steam. It closes its eyes contentedly, turns gold, and produces a Shine Sprite that floats above it._

**Mario:** I live!

**Pit:** Hey! What are you doing? I wasn't even done healing!

**Mario:** _[standing up]_ Sorry, but the needs of the island outweigh the needs of the angels.

**Pit:** But I'm on Intensity 9.0! There's nothing harder!

**Mario:** Can't be as tough as the first game, right? Besides, you have no idea what I've been through. Cut me a little slack.

**Pit:** Same here...

**FLUDD:** I dare our readers to count how many fourth-wall-breaking references are made throughout this fic.

_Mario jumps on top of the sleeping Chain Chomp and grabs the Shine Sprite. The Chain Chomp wakes up and snaps at him, flinging him through the air. He warps to Delfino Plaza before he hits the ground and sits outside the pipe to the village._

**Mario:** How many Shine Sprites does that leave left before I face whoever's responsible for this mess? Three? Four?

**FLUDD:** About three.

**Mario:** Oh, goody. I don't know how I've survived this long, but with a supply of extra lives on hand, I should be able to beat this.

**FLUDD:** Trust me, you'll need them for this next one.

**Mario:** Don't I always?

**FLUDD:** Look at how many stones were needed to build the Shine Tower. Go on, look.

**Mario:** Yeah?

**FLUDD:** You will need about that number times twelve if you want to pass the next episode.

**Mario:** ...So what's the next episode?

**FLUDD:** A nightmare incarnate. The sort of thing they use to break spies.

**Mario:** And I need to do this to beat the game?

**FLUDD:** I would recommend taking a blanket to cry into.

_Unnerved, Mario hops back into the pipe and travels to Pianta Village. It is night once again, baffling the plumber's mind, but he runs across the bridge and stops when he sees a welcome sight._

**Mario:** Yoshi! How did you get here?

_A thought bubble appears over Yoshi's egg, showing a picture of a large steak. Mario frowns._

**Mario:** I thought Yoshis didn't eat meat. Besides, I have no idea where I'm supposed to get that in this village.

_The thought bubble changes to an image of a slim female Yoshi._

**Mario:** I can't get you a girlfriend. You have to do that yourself.

_The thought bubble shows eyes and rolls them, then projects the image of a coconut. Mario sighs in relief and runs off, looking for fruit. He spots a fruit tree and jumps up to it._

**Pianta Woman:** Look at all this fruit! I wonder if Yoshi will appear?

**Mario:** You really don't get around much, do you? He's at the entrance to the village.

**Pianta Woman:** Good, because I think you'll need him for something underneath the village. I don't actually know why, it's just a random feeling I have.

**Mario:** Really? What's your name?

**Pianta Woman:** I can't remember.

**Mario:** Nobody knows anything on this island! Might as well take this coconut to Yoshi and see what happens, though.

_Mario takes a green coconut and runs back to Yoshi, who rocks back and forth in his egg. He drops the coconut on the ground next to the egg, which splits open instantly to reveal a pink Yoshi._

**Yoshi:** Nice to see you're still breathing, Mario.

**Mario:** My, you do look good in pink.

_Yoshi throws a yolk-covered eggshell at Mario's face. Mario smiles, deciding it was totally worth it._

**Yoshi:** There's a strange yellow liquid covering the entrance to a secret level under the village. The Extreme Guardian Group's analysis has indicated this liquid can be dissolved with the juice I spit out. Looks like we'll need to work together again.

**Mario:** Would you like me to buy you a pretty red bowtie to go with your pink complexion?

_Yoshi lunges forward and seizes Mario by the collar._

**Yoshi:** I don't decide what color I become, and hearing your jokes after spending hours cramped in a tiny egg makes me feel like punching something. I'd rather we didn't go there.

**Mario:** Just beware of Birdo - she may feel a little jealous.

_Yoshi punches Mario in the face. Mario laughs maniacally, ignoring the bruise swelling up on his cheek._

**Yoshi:** Just shut up and get on my back. I'll take you as far as the secret area, but then you're on your own.

_Rubbing his face, Mario hops onto Yoshi's back and rides him back across the bridge. To his surprise, there are giant mushrooms below the ledge he started on that take him underneath the village. Yoshi drops down, bounces across the mushrooms, and arrives at a thinner toadstool with moving yellow liquid in the center._

**Yoshi:** Spitting juice isn't as easy as it looks. Quick, tell me something disgusting.

**Mario:** I like playing Superman 64.

_Yoshi spits out a stream of pink juice that vaporizes the yellow liquid, revealing a hole in the center of the mushroom. The deed done, Yoshi wipes his mouth and kicks Mario off._

**Mario:** So basically, you have the ability to puke on command?

**Yoshi:** It's a little more involved than that. But with the right amount of practice, yes, the juice I ingest can be brought back up to turn enemies into platforms and dissolve yellow liquid. I just needed a little help. And that worked. Good luck on the secret level.

**Mario:** Aye aye, Pinky!

_Mario dives into the hole before Yoshi can kill him. Shadow Mario swoops by and steals FLUDD, catching Mario off guard._

**Shadow Mario:** I'm totally recording this.

**FLUDD:** Send me the link when you're done.

_Mario lands in the secret level and instantly notices something strange._

**Mario:** What the...? Piantas?

**Pianta Man:** Hey there! I'm a Chuckster!

**Mario:** That's not contagious, is it?

**Pianta Man:** No, a Chuckster is a Pianta that picks you up and violently throws you for no apparent reason! Which is what I'm going to do to you!

_Before Mario can react, the Pianta Man picks him up and tosses him over the edge of the stage. Mario screams and loses a life, then returns to the stage, smoke pouring out of his ears._

**Mario:** What was that all about?

**Pianta Man:** Hey there! I'm a Chuckster!

**Mario:** I understand that -

_Mario is picked up again and hurled across a gap. This time, he lands safely on the other side._

**Mario:** This is frightening.

_Looking around, he realizes the only way to proceed is to talk to another Chuckster and get tossed across a hundred-foot gap. Swallowing the lump in his throat, Mario walks to the next Chuckster, an orange Pianta half his size._

**Mario:** Hello.

**Short Pianta:** I'm a Chuckster!

**Mario:** Well, this guy's not very tall, so I hope he can throw me the full distance.

_The Short Pianta hurls Mario through the air at twenty-seven times the speed of sound, causing him to burst into flames and soar to the edge of the secret level. He crashes through the outer wall of the place, makes his way around the world five times, and finally lands back in the secret level, right in front of the Chuckster._

**Short Pianta:** I'm a Chuckster!

**Mario:** You're a jerk, that's what you are!

_Having talked to the Short Pianta, Mario is thrown through the air again, this time with a little less force but still misses the next platform. He falls down the bottomless pit, loses a life, and starts back at the beginning._

**Mario:** Okay, I think I understand. The direction you face is the direction they'll throw you in. You just have to make sure you're lined up correctly. This shouldn't be too difficult.

_Mario ignores the first Chuckster and takes a path around it to the second one. Licking his lips and sweating slightly, he takes a step up._

**Mario:** Hello.

**Short Pianta:** I'm a Chuckster!

_Mario tightens his body and closes his eyes. The Short Pianta picks him up and throws him back the way he came. Mario tumbles over the edge, falls into the bottomless pit, and loses a life._

**Mario:** _[dropping back to the level]_ That doesn't even make sense! I made sure I was facing the right direction!

**Short Pianta:** I just felt like throwing you a different direction this time.

**Mario:** How can you do this to people? How can you be so cruel and inhumane? Does it faze you that you're ending human lives in this dungeon of darkness and despair? Do you just get a kick out of playing basketball with human beings as the ball?

**Pianta Man:** I'm a Chuckster!

**Mario:** I wasn't talking to -

_Mario is picked up and thrown into the abyss. After losing a life, he returns to the level and runs to the Short Pianta._

**Mario:** That's it! I demand you develop a soul and take me straight to the end! This lost its fun in the first five seconds!

**Short Pianta:** I'm a Chuckster!

**Mario:** You wanna know what else you are?

_The Short Pianta hurls Mario across the gap. Mario lands on the platform on the other side, bounces, and falls over the edge, having missed the guard wall by two feet. This pattern continues for the next thirty minutes. Mario loses more lives than he ever has at any one point in the game, burning through them like chaff in fire. Despite all his planning and efforts, the Piantas throw him whichever direction they prefer. Mario is now covered in lumps and bruises. One of his eyes is half-shut from a bruise over it._

**Another Pianta:** Hey there! I'm a psychopathic murderer!

**Mario:** Please don't...

_Mario is thrown over the edge again. Returning to the stage, he crawls to the Short Pianta, manages to get successfully tossed to the far platform, and speaks to the Chuckster there._

**Chuckster:** I'm a Chuckster!

**Mario:** You're a monster!

_The Chuckster picks Mario up, swings his arm in a vertical circle, and flings Mario straight into the ground. Cracks spread throughout the platform._

**Chuckster:** Oops, my aim was off a little bit!

**Mario:** Might want to work on that throwing arm of yours.

_This pattern continues until Mario, with only one life left, makes his way to the top of the secret level. At last, he arrives at the platform with the Shine Sprite on it, missing chunks of his clothing and bearing more dark spots than a Dalmatian dog. He crawls to the Shine Sprite and touches it with the tip of his finger. The victory music plays and Mario is warped out. FLUDD reappears on his back._

**Mario:** Sixty lives...sixty lives I'd spent the whole game acquiring, all gone in one nightmare. I don't think I'll ever sleep peacefully again.

**FLUDD:** I enjoyed a nice bucket of popcorn while you were off getting killed. All in all, not a bad experience for being stolen by a mindless doppelganger.

**Mario:** How in the world would you eat popcorn?

**FLUDD:** I said I enjoyed it, not that I ate it.

**Mario:** So how does that work?

**FLUDD:** Use your imagination. Now get back to Pianta Village. Only two more episodes before the final fight.

**Mario:** But I feel like Donkey Kong just sat on me. For thirty minutes.

**FLUDD:** Does it look like I care, Mario?

_Grumbling, Mario crawls back into the pipe and falls in headfirst. He materializes back in Pianta Village and splats into the ground. After ten seconds of total stillness, he looks up and sees the mayor standing in front of him._

**Mayor:** Oh, what to do? What to do? This is absolutely terrible, and I have no idea how it happened!

**Mario:** 'S 'a matter?

**Mayor:** Ten of our residents are trapped under that burning goop! They're being fried like eggs! Or worse, scrambled! Something must be done!

**Mario:** You have a hot spring. Surely you can figure something out.

**Mayor:** Are you kidding? All Piantas are good for is insulting, throwing things, and freezing up during critical moments! You must save us!

_Groaning loudly, Mario forces himself to his feet and runs across the bridge. A timer appears in his Hypothetical Object Seeing Vision showing that he has a little under three minutes to complete the mission, which is titled "Piantas in Need."_

**FLUDD:** And remember - A Pianta in need is a Pianta indeed.

**Mario:** Pretty much sums them up.

_Mario finds the first splash of goop and washes it away. Two Piantas emerge, covered in the burning stuff. Mario cleans them off and leaves them to jump for joy. He searches the village and saves nine out of the ten of them with thirty seconds on the clock._

**Mario:** Where is that last Pianta?

**FLUDD:** Probably moving around so you can't find it.

**Mario:** And why would it do that?

**FLUDD:** Because everyone and everything on this island is against you. Except for perhaps Peach.

_Mario veers around the corner and dashes down the passage, still seeing nothing. He reaches the end of the passage and looks around, finally spotting the last clump of goop to his left. With five seconds remaining, he jumps at it and sprays water at the same time. The Pianta pops up from the goop, allowing Mario to spray him off. The mission-end jingle plays as the timer stops on .01 seconds._

**FLUDD:** In spite of how much keeps happening to you, you really are one lucky plumber.

**Mario:** I guess so, huh?

_FLUDD uses his Idiot Stopper, dousing Mario in foam. He wipes himself off and runs back to the mayor at the entrance to the village._

**Mayor:** Oh! You saved them all! I'm so happy!

**Mario:** You're always so happy.

**Mayor:** Here, have another one of the island's main power sources! I was just using it as a teddy bear!

**Mario:** Wait a minute, you said you didn't have any more of these when we spoke earlier.

**Mayor:** Did I? Must have been one of my other personalities.

_Shuddering, Mario takes the Shine Sprite and warps out of the level._

**FLUDD:** Just one more Shine Sprite to go, Mario.

**Mario:** Just one? We're doing four in one chapter? Isn't that, like, a new record or something?

**FLUDD:** Not necessarily. Now go back in. You have an appointment with your clone.

**Mario:** Another one? Doesn't he get tired of all the senseless running around?

**FLUDD:** He is what you call "stupid."

_Mario jumps back into the pipe and emerges in Pianta Village. The mayor is still in the beginning portion, scratching his head in bewilderment. Strangely enough, it's night again._

**Mayor:** Huh. Now I wonder why the clown would do that?

**Mario:** What clown?

**Mayor:** You clown. Wait, there are two of you? I suppose there's one of you for each of my personalities. That just leaves thirty-three unaccounted for.

**Mario:** Skip the intro before I get depressed. Where's Shadow Mario now?

**Mayor:** Is that what you call him? He's twiddling his thumbs or something on the other end of the bridge. He's been waiting a whole six seconds for you.

_Mario runs across the infamous bridge and comes face-to-back with Shadow Mario, who is playing a Nintendo 3DS. Upon hearing Mario's footsteps, Shadow Mario pockets the 3DS and turns around, looking smug._

**Shadow Mario:** Well well, look who it is. It's rude to keep someone waiting, you know?

**Mario:** You've been here less than a minute.

**Shadow Mario:** That's a lifetime in Shadow Mario time! You've always been ignorant and selfish, but here's the problem.

**Mario:** Too many toasters?

**Shadow Mario:** No, it has nothing to do with that!

**Mario:** You know what they say.

**Shadow Mario:** I mean the problem is that you're persistent! Why do I have to come here and wait for you, anyway? Because you refuse to give up, and it's annoying!

**Mario:** Well, I'm not about to set up residence on this island. And besides, you ARE the mission. You coming here is like a free Shine Sprite for me. If you stayed home, none of this would happen.

**Shadow Mario:** I never thought about it like that... But it's too late! My paintbrush has the power to lay down burning goop, so you'll have a hard time following me! Looks like I'm quite the TRAILBLAZER, eh?

_Mario squirts water into Shadow Mario's eye._

**Shadow Mario:** Ow! That hurt, you imbecile! It's time for me to do the most masculine, the most courageous thing I can think of...

_Shadow Mario spins around and runs in the other direction, shouting wildly. A red line of burning goop tails him. Mario sprays it away and gives chase, panting from fatigue. Five seconds later, Shadow Mario is on the ground flailing his limbs._

**Shadow Mario:** Curses! Somehow this always happens!

**Mario:** Why do you even come here?

**Shadow Mario:** I don't even know! My dad just tells me to do it!

**Mario:** Bowser? Is he here on this island?

**Shadow Mario:** Of course! Doesn't he usually show up in your games?

**Mario:** I guess I should have figured. Still, don't you think for yourself? Imagine what you could accomplish on your own! You limit yourself, and that is why I always win! I am the champion of every battle! I am the alpha wolf in the pack! I am the great cyclone that haunts the seaside! I am the final peg standing in a game of peg solitaire, whereas you are just plain ig-nor-a-moose!

**Shadow Mario:** I don't even know what that is!

**Mario:** Neither do I, but Cracker Barrel does! So I'll come for you, Shadow Mario, and your cursed father on...

**FLUDD:** Corona Mountain.

**Mario:** Corona Mountain, yes! Now run along, little pest!

_Shadow Mario disappears, leaving a Shine Sprite behind. Mario crosses his arms and smiles._

**Mario:** And that's how you get it done.

**FLUDD:** Feeling all big and bad, Mario?

**Mario:** I do. Onto the final battle, lads!

_FLUDD uses his Idiot Stopper. Mario clenches his fists._

**Mario:** Why do you insist on doing that?

**FLUDD:** Impulsive reaction.

**Narrator:** And so Mario claimed the last Shine Sprite necessary to face the great, evil Bowser. The next chapter shall conclude this epic saga. And then I'll be out of work...and I'll have to find a REAL job! _[sobs]_ At least I can play songs on this keyboard to make me feel better...


	27. Floods, Physics, and Showdowns

_Mario materializes back into Delfino Plaza and instantly comes into contact with something he never expected._

**Mario:** Water?

**FLUDD:** On an island? What folly is this?

_Delfino Plaza is almost completely submerged in water. Only the tops of a few buildings poke out above the surface. Mario treads water for a bit, then swims to the nearest roof and climbs up between a couple of Piantas._

**Mario:** What in the world happened? How'd all this water get here?

**First Pianta:** We have no idea!

**Mario:** Of course.

**First Pianta:** I just woke up to find my dresser floating by me. Which is a pretty normal occurrence - my house is haunted by the spirit of my pet goldfish.

**Mario:** Remind me never to go there, then.

**First Pianta:** But it was floating because of water! That's when I knew I should have done the right thing with Bubblelips and given him a proper burial. _[thinks for a moment]_ He did make for a nice sandwich, though.

**Mario:** Trust me, I think Bubblelips has very little to do with this.

**Second Pianta:** I believe I can shed some light on what happened here. Unlike bozo here, I was actually awake when the downpour came.

**Mario:** Well, shoot.

_Second Pianta pulls out a handgun and fires into the distance. A seagull falls into the water, gasps, sings a moving opera song, and turns his head into the water, his tongue hanging out of his mouth._

**Mario:** An expression. It was just an expression.

**Second Pianta:** At least I always come prepared. But anyway...

_The scene shifts to the not-so-distant past, where Second Pianta is relaxing on a bench in Delfino Plaza, listening to D.E.B.S. (Delfino Emergency Broadcast System to the uninformed, and something much worse to the crafty) with his earphones._

**D.E.B.S. Weatherman:** And today, there is a 1% chance of light showers over Isle Delfino, so get out your swimming trunks - it's a perfect day for the pool!

_Without warning, a deafening blanket of water pours all over Delfino Plaza, washing everything away. Second Pianta struggles to the surface as a bulletin board floats by him. He grabs onto it for dear life, panting. In less than four seconds, the downpour is over._

**D.E.B.S. Weatherman:** Allow me to clarify: 1% of Isle Delfino will experience hundreds of light showers all in one tiny opening. Talk about one ominous thunderhead! Have you changed to your swimming trunks yet? Remember, the Delfino weatherman is always right. And now, let's go over to Juan Pianta for what's happening in the world today. Juan?

**Juan Pianta:** Well, as you can tell from the walking corpses behind me, the zombie apocalypse appears to have come upon -

**News Anchor:** We have breaking news! Apparently, the mayor of Petal Meadows does NOT like fried eggs over hard, but he IS fond of omelettes made with Koopa Leaves! If you ever wanted to suck up in the corporate world over at Petal Meadows, crack out the frying pan and grab some leaves from the nearest bush! Hey, the mayor's old - he won't know the difference!

**Second Pianta:** Good thing my D.E.B.S. doohickey is waterproof...

_The scene switches back to the present._

**Second Pianta:** And that's basically all that happened.

**Mario:** What was that about a zombie apocalypse?

**Second Pianta:** Oh, nothing significant. Probably.

**Mario:** So how do I get rid of this mess? Where do I go next?

_The camera zooms in dramatically on a wide-eyed First Pianta._

**First Pianta:** The mountain.

_A figure in a red robe passes them by, heading for the volcano in the distance. Mario scratches his head in bewilderment._

**Mario:** I see. So this is all connected with Bowser. He can manipulate the weather now?

**FLUDD:** Honestly, Mario, who knows? Does Bowser ever do anything that makes sense?

**Mario:** I always figured that's what makes him fun at parties.

**FLUDD:** And you invite him every time.

**Mario:** Livens up golf, tennis, baseball, kart racing, and everything else, too.

**FLUDD:** It boggles my mind why he doesn't just seize those opportunities to kill you.

**Mario:** Because he doesn't make sense.

**FLUDD:** Evidently. But the Pianta is correct. Corona Mountain is your next destination, and the final battle with Bowser awaits you.

_Mario hops back into the water and swims to the area behind the Shine Tower. He crawls back on land, jumps up to the volcano entrance, and walks in._

**FLUDD:** And bam, instant lava.

**Mario:** Wow, it's hot in here! Surprising how so much boiling magma can be this close to a bunch of peaceful villages, and the island remains intact. FLUDD, for once, could you use your Idiot Stopper for something good and cool me off?

**FLUDD:** _[smiling inwardly]_ No.

**Mario:** Oh, come on! I thought you liked doing that!

**FLUDD:** Only when it annoys you. The longer you stay here, the quicker you will boil. There is only the path ahead.

**Mario:** Yeah, all I have to do is jump across those platforms either covered in fire or periodically protruding with spikes. And after that, I have another ocean of lava.

_Mario rubs his hands together, then leaps over the lava in slow motion, yelling in a deepened voice. Lava explodes in epic fashion behind him as he safely lands on the first platform. Before the spikes can come up, he hovers to another one, dousing out the fire surrounding it._

**Mario:** How in the world does Bowser come up with these things?

**Bowser:** Ever heard of hopscotch?

**Mario:** Ah! Bowser! Where are you?

**Bowser:** Ever heard of a loudspeaker system?

**Mario:** Ever heard of me picking you up by your tail and throwing you into one of your own bombs conveniently placed on the edge of the arena?

**Bowser:** Now that's low, Mario. Even giant turtles make mistakes sometimes.

_Mario continues skipping across the platforms._

**Mario:** Actually, let's talk about that for a moment. Why WOULD you place a bunch of bombs all over the arena, knowing full well they serve as your only weakness?

**Bowser:** It was a tip from my psychiatrist. He said it was a great way to overcome your fears.

**Mario:** And who was your psychiatrist?

**Bowser:** Ganondorf.

**Mario:** Right, the one who insists on using the same attack over and over again until it kills him.

**Bowser:** I know! Brilliant, isn't it?

_Mario bypasses all the dangerous platforms and drops onto a strip of land. He refills FLUDD from a small water geyser and pounds open a nearby wooden box, revealing an extra life._

**Mario:** Hey, sweet!

**Bowser:** What? No! I meant that for Bowser Jr.! How did you ever find it?

**Mario:** Well, you left it in plain sight.

**Bowser:** But that's where the best things are always hidden! I leave these things for my minions so they can actually make it to the restroom in my hideouts without dying, and YOU keep taking them! Then again, I suppose it would help if I installed more than one toilet per stronghold. Try to be economical, and the grunts complain. What's a villain to do?

**Mario:** I'm no financial expert, but I can see you have more than enough money to spend on castles that kill off your own soldiers.

**Bowser:** Not my fault they walk off cliffs.

**FLUDD:** Mario, why are you giving monetary advice to your enemy?

**Mario:** I suppose I feel something deep down called pity. Now, what's this boat doing floating on the lava? Guess this is my way forward, huh?

_There is silence for a moment._

**Mario:** What, no witty retort, Bowser? Fine by me. I don't need you badgering me all the time.

_Mario hops down into the boat, which rocks uncomfortably._

**FLUDD:** Don't rock the boat.

**Mario:** Don't rock the boat, baby, rock the boat, don't rock the boat -

_Whatever moisture there is in the air around Mario is suddenly sucked dry._

**Mario:** What the heck! How'd you do that, FLUDD?

**FLUDD:** Did you know the Idiot Stopper also works in reverse?

**Mario:** I expect a nice, long spa treatment after this. In the Mushroom Kingdom, where sanity still exists. Relatively speaking.

**FLUDD:** Where talking fungus is perfectly normal.

**Mario:** And if you eat it, it makes you twice as big.

**FLUDD:** Are you saying you've eaten Toads?

**Mario:** Let's just say their bulbs are made out of the same stuff. At any rate, time to conquer this fiery sea! Pay a penny to the ferryman, FLUDD, because we brake for no one!

_Mario sprays water to the right of the boat. The boat starts to turn right._

**Mario:** Okay, whoa, whoa, hold on a minute. Something's not right.

_Mario sprays to the right again. The boat continues to the right._

**Mario:** On the other hand, something IS right - too much to the right, in fact! Why is this boat betraying physics?

**Bowser:** Bwa ha ha ha ha! My money isn't so badly spent after all, is it?

**Mario:** Bowser, what did you do to the sailing slab I have my feet on?

**Bowser:** It's specially engineered to go the same direction you spray. Unprecedented, isn't it? It'll look nice right next to the machine that divides by zero I'm working on!

**Mario:** Are you insane? You'll destroy the entire universe!

**Bowser:** That's a risk I'm willing to take! Bwa ha ha ha ha!

**Mario:** You'll have nothing left to rule! You won't even exist!

**Bowser:** By adding a "bwa" to the front of my laughs, I automatically become twice as evil!

**FLUDD:** He is not listening, Mario.

**Mario:** I have to stop this nut before he first screws up all sailing vessels in the world, then swallows the universe in a gigantic black hole!

_Mario sprays to the back-left of the boat, propelling it forward and left. He sprays strategically in this fashion, cautiously weaving between giant rocks sticking out of the lava. Halfway to the circle of land on the other side of the volcano, the boat does something unexpected._

**Mario:** Wait a minute, now it's going to the RIGHT when I spray to the left! It's back to normal again! I've defeated your stupid machination, Bowser!

**Bowser:** Oh, darn.

_Mario sprays to the back and right. The boat drifts to the right again._

**Mario:** What? WHAT?

**Bowser:** Hm. Seems to be broken. Oh well, that's alright by me. Good luck navigating the seven seas of fiery DEATH, Mario! Bwa ha ha ha ha! I am so evil!

_The boat slowly drifts toward a giant rock. Mario watches helplessly as it looms closer. The boat touches the rock ever so slightly and instantly sinks. Mario drowns in the lava, loses a life, and restarts at Corona Mountain's entrance._

**Mario:** Next thing I know, that idiot will find a way to make positives and positives attract to each other. First he defies physics, then his physics-defying boat defies itself. Am I doomed, FLUDD?

**FLUDD:** I suppose that depends on your definition of the word. But most likely, yes.

**Mario:** Just one more fight. That's all it takes. One more fight, and some other hapless moron can come along and clean up.

**FLUDD:** But don't you want to enjoy the remainder of your vacation with Peach?

**Mario:** Not on this island. I have half a mind to seal myself into my basement when I get home.

_Mario makes it across the dangerous platforms and discovers the boat is at the starting point again. Relieved, he hops into it and begins the arduous, unpredictable process of sailing across the lava._

_Thirty seconds later, the tip of his boat is bobbing five inches from a giant rock. Mario stares at it hopelessly._

**Mario:** Any ideas, FLUDD?

**FLUDD:** You can always take the easy way out.

**Mario:** What's that?

**FLUDD:** Jump into the lava, lose a life, get a Game Over, restart in Delfino Plaza, make your way back in here.

**Mario:** I have a great idea. Why don't YOU jump into the lava, and I'll wait here for help? _[sits down]_ Well, know any good jokes?

**FLUDD:** So a plumber jumps into the lava...

**Mario:** That's not funny, FLUDD. _[eyes the circle of land]_ You know, the land is pretty close. I bet I could hover over there.

**FLUDD:** And if you lose, you get the aforementioned Game Over. Sounds like a plan.

_Mario cracks his neck, stands up, leaps over the side of the boat, and activates his Hover Nozzle. He crosses the majority of the lava before the water runs out. He plummets, screaming...and lands safely on the edge of the circle._

**Mario:** I made it. Oh look, a Rocket Nozzle!

**Bowser:** What? How did you find that?

**Mario:** Well, it's..._[gestures casually]_...sitting right there in front of me.

**Bowser:** But it's red! It's supposed to blend in!

**Mario:** It's also bright white.

**Bowser:** I kind of wish I would stop hiding everything in plain sight.

_Mario knocks open the Rocket Nozzle box, equips the nozzle, builds up pressure, and launches off. He lands on a solid cloud in the air._

**Mario:** This is interesting.

**Bowser:** And I guess it's my fault I decided to put the special solid clouds in a path that leads directly toward me. That's just great.

**Mario:** It is just great. This saves me from having to make my way through some castle with an unforgiving time limit hanging over my head.

_Mario blasts upward again, landing on a somewhat smaller cloud. He continues this until he reaches the very top, where he blasts through a hole in the ceiling._

_Meanwhile, above the volcano, Bowser, Bowser Jr., and Princess Peach are in a giant swimming pool filled with volatile green liquid._

**Bowser:** The water's great, eh, Junior?

**Bowser Jr.:** Sure is, papa! Though actually, I read in an article somewhere that if you stay in this mixture of liquids too long, your skin burns off. Like, completely off.

**Bowser:** How long is too long?

**Bowser Jr.:** It said something along the lines of five minutes.

**Bowser:** ...How long have we been in here?

**Bowser Jr.:** Four minutes or so.

**Bowser:** _[turning away and muttering to himself]_ "Special swimming fluid," the salesman said... "Your family will love it," the salesman said...

_Mario rockets up over the edge, causing all heads to turn to him._

**Peach:** Mario!

**Mario:** Peach!

**Bowser Jr.:** Papa!

**Bowser:** Mr. Writer!

**Writer:** Leave me out of this.

**Peach:** I knew you would come, Mario! But I have to ask...what stopped you from coming here right after Pinna Park?

**Mario:** A gate of half-inch-thick wooden panel.

**Peach:** Right next to a flaming volcano?

**Mario:** Yeah, go figure. And this guy _[points to FLUDD]_.

**Bowser:** Mario! How dare you disturb my family vacation!

**Mario:** Jeez laweez, Bowser! How'd you get so huge?

**Bowser:** Well, you know how you're always eating mushrooms to get bigger, allowing you to take more hits, break rotating blocks and whatnot?

**Mario:** Yeah. Wait, don't tell me you actually took advantage of game mechanics!

**Bowser:** I did! To prepare for this moment, I've supplied myself with a plethora of mushrooms to keep me huge!

**Bowser Jr.:** Papa, I can't feel my toes.

**Bowser:** Go climb on the big boat toy, son. But the point is, Mario, you're screwed! There are no mushrooms to be found on this island, and I had them all imported from the Mushroom Kingdom straight to me!

**Mario:** _[looks at Peach]_ And your government allows this to happen?

**Peach:** Mario, we don't even do anything about the castle he sets up in plain sight of everyone.

**Bowser:** Are you telling me that approach honestly doesn't work with anything I do?

**Mario:** Possibly. Oh yeah, what are those flame images painted on the ledges around this big Jacuzzi thing?

**Bowser:** Oh, those are for Junior when he's playing with the Rocket Nozzle. He sets up there and blasts up and down all day, totally fun. I made sure they were painted nice and bright so he wouldn't forget where those spots were. Incidentally, they also support the b-

_Bowser and Mario stare at each other for a few seconds._

**Bowser:** You know what? I'm an idiot. But that's not going to stop me from destroying you! Come fight me, little man!

_Bowser Jr. presses buttons frantically on his oversized toy boat, launching out numerous Bullet Bills. Bowser breathes fire at Mario, who runs away as fast as he can._

**Mario:** It's just like we said, FLUDD - Bowser does nothing that makes sense. Guess I'd better take out these five ledge supports, and then, uh...something will happen.

_Mario stands on one of the flame-painted ledges, builds up pressure in the Rocket Nozzle, and blasts up. The Bullet Bills crash into the spot he was just in. At the peak of his ascension, Mario flips and lifts his legs up, plummeting back down. While aflame, he slams into the ledge, cracking it beyond repair. The pieces slowly begin to fall from the sky._

**FLUDD:** Now would be a good time to move, Mario.

**Mario:** I just caught on fire and crushed every bone in my freaking pelvis! Give me a little elbow room here!

_Mario stands up stiffly and climbs up the pieces sliding down. Before he can fall with them, he clambers onto the outer rim of the giant tub, only to meet with a Bullet Bill. With a loud shriek, he dashes to the right, blasting over Bowser's fire breath and landing on the second ledge. Mario stops and sprays the Bullet Bills following him, destroying them and producing coins and water. He picks up the supplies and repeats the process for the next two minutes._

**Bowser:** Come on, Mario. Stop being cheap.

**Mario:** What do you mean, stop being cheap? You're the one with the infinite supply of mushrooms, the pool of flesh-dissolving acid, and the huge fire breath!

**Bowser:** I can't reach you from here, and you just keep destroying Junior's Bullet Bills. I knew it was a bad idea to put water and money in those things!

**Mario:** What was the point?

**Bowser:** I dunno, something about being caught in the middle of the ocean and the old "water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink" poem. Didn't think you'd make use of it, though!

**Mario:** Bowser, I make use of almost everything you do. You really need to stop seeing Ganondorf as a psychiatrist. Seriously.

**Bowser:** But he has the Triforce of Power!

**Mario:** But not the Triforce of Wisdom, and probably for good reason.

**Bowser:** Alright, that's it! I've had enough of you mocking me! Eat green pool acid, worm!

**Mario:** _[building up pressure in the Rocket Nozzle]_ You can't eat liquid!

_Mario rockets into the air as Bowser splashes a wave of pool water at him. He comes back down a moment later, immolated as before, and crashes into the ledge._

**Mario:** Righteous spaghetti of the heavens, I'm going to need a doctor after this. And a psychiatrist. Not Ganondorf.

_Mario starts climbing up the falling pieces of the ledge as a wave of pool water gushes above him. He jumps onto the rim and starts running again._

**FLUDD:** Two down...only three to go...

**Mario:** You okay, FLUDD?

**FLUDD:** I think I got splashed with acid.

**Mario:** Oh.

**FLUDD:** And you keep catching on fire.

**Mario:** That too.

_Mario runs to the next ledge and does the same thing. Each time, he just barely escapes from the crumbling ledge, and his pelvis will require even more medical attention when the day is over. He finally arrives at the fifth ledge._

**FLUDD:** Last one...Mario...

**Mario:** Gotcha!

**Bowser:** Shoot him, Junior!

**Bowser Jr.:** I'm trying, papa! You didn't have any actual guns installed in this thing!

**Bowser:** That's because it's a toy, not a weapon of mass destruction!

**Bowser Jr.:** Maybe we could kill him if we had one!

_Mario closes his eyes solemnly, then launches into the air, performs another ground pound, and slams into the ledge. The giant bath tub turns completely over, spilling out all the green water and the characters inside._

**Mario:** AAAAAHHH!

**FLUDD:** What...are you screaming about...?

**Mario:** I knew I was supposed to break all the ledges, but somehow I didn't think this would happen! What do I do?

**FLUDD:** Survive comically...?

**Mario:** Isn't that what always happens? What about Peach?

_High above, Peach is floating safely down by holding onto her parasol._

**Mario:** Of course. Why worry about the one who wins every Mario Party?

_They fall for several more minutes. Mario squeezes his eyes shut and eventually feels himself ram into something soft. He realizes he has fallen headfirst into sand. After a brief struggle, he pulls himself out and looks around. He is on a small island with a palm tree in the middle. Peach lands gently beside him._

**Mario:** Are you alright?

**Peach:** A little unnerved is all. Bowser and his son landed far away. But what about FLUDD?

_Mario looks at his back and notices FLUDD isn't there. The machine is laying in the sand in front of him. Mario crawls to FLUDD and picks him up._

**FLUDD:** Mario...we won...

**Mario:** Yeah, we did. The adventure finally comes to an end, huh?

**FLUDD:** Mario...I was so terrible to you...but I want to say one thing...

**Mario:** Yeah?

**FLUDD:** ...I'm sorry.

**Mario:** What?

**FLUDD:** I hope I was...of assistance...despite my cruelty...

**Mario:** Well, you were, actually...

**Peach:** This is so tragic...

**FLUDD:** There were many things...I wanted to do...

**Mario:** Can it really end like this?

**FLUDD:** But now...I can see the light...

**Peach:** Oh, FLUDD...

**Mario:** I don't know how I should be feeling!

**FLUDD:** Mario?

**Mario:** What?

**FLUDD:** Just kidding.

_Only the sound of the wind is heard. Mario stares at FLUDD's nozzle._

**FLUDD:** I'm actually perfectly fine. Bowser's bathwater has no effect on me.

**Mario:** Well, nice to know you're still in character, FLUDD. Or is that nice?

**Peach:** Mario, look!

_A giant Shine Sprite descends upon Delfino Plaza, lighting up the town. Dozens upon dozens of Piantas and Nokis litter the streets, shouting out praise and other random nonsense._

**Pianta 87:** The Shine Sprites are back!

**Pianta 26:** I'm so happy!

**Noki 34:** This is awesome!

**Pianta 60:** Mackabuh MUUHHH hum-bum!

**Noki 18:** How did all the water recede from this place so quickly?

_Peach places her hand on Mario's shoulder and smiles._

**Peach:** You did it, Mario. You saved me, defeated Bowser, and returned all the Shine Sprites to their proper place.

**FLUDD:** Oh yes, about that...

_Mario and Peach look down at FLUDD._

**FLUDD:** You actually have less than half of the total Shine Sprites right now. You're not even close, buddy.

**Mario:** You have got to be kidding me. That enormous Shine Sprite in Delfino Plaza doesn't count as ten or twenty of them?

**FLUDD:** I don't think it counts as even one.

**Mario:** Crap. CraaAAAP!

**Peach:** But we can take a vacation now, Mario. The immediate danger is over now. The island won't see any more threats, Bowser is gone, and there's no more graffiti. Those lazy police officers can let you off the hook. And then we can actually take a rest.

**Mario:** So no more parading around looking for Shine Sprites?

**Peach:** Not for the time being. Not if you don't want to.

**FLUDD:** I'll be waiting when you're ready to resume your epic quest.

_Mario glances at FLUDD, then looks at Peach and grins._

**Mario:** So, where do you feel like eating?

_At the same time, two disgruntled figures sit atop the overturned bath that used to be above Corona Mountain, staring at the sunset._

**Bowser:** Where did I go wrong?

**Bowser Jr.:** We had everything, didn't we? The carefully-laid-out plan, the magic paintbrush, the infinite supply of mushrooms...

**Bowser:** Yeah, which just ran out. By the way, I have something...difficult to tell you about Princess Peach. You see, she's...she's...

**Bowser Jr.:** Completely unrelated to me?

**Bowser:** How did you ever guess?

**Bowser Jr.:** I may not be a Rocket Nozzle scientist, but even I can tell that giant scary turtle plus beautiful young woman does not equal me.

**Bowser:** Yeah, I suppose that was a bit obvious.

**Bowser Jr.:** Someday, when I'm bigger...I want to fight that Mario again.

**Bowser:** That's my boy! The royal Koopa line is as strong as ever!

**Bowser Jr.:** It is? Who's my mother?

**Bowser:** ...Listen, Junior, I have something ELSE difficult to tell you...

**Bowser Jr.:** I'm adopted?

**Bowser:** Yes.

**Bowser Jr.:** I kind of had a hunch there, too.

**Bowser:** It's that cursed Mario's fault! Things were going so swimmingly here, and then he had to roll through all the random crap we threw at him and undo everything! This was supposed to be OUR vacation! It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but the next time I see him, I'm going to pound him into the dirt! By the time I'm finished with him, not even his mirror will be able to recognize - hey, what's this? _[reaches into a compartment in his shell and pulls out a letter]_ It's an invitation to the next Mario Party! Alright! I knew he wouldn't forget about me! He's a good man, that one!

**Bowser Jr.:** Speaking of which, who's this Baby Bowser I keep hearing of?

**Bowser:** Oh...

**Bowser Jr.:** Something else difficult to tell me?

**Bowser:** Not really. He's adopted, too. Actually, they all are.

**Bowser Jr.:** I only ever heard of one after the first Mario Party.

**Bowser:** Oh, I used a few others for my schemes. Some of them ran the various business in Bowser Land. Ingenious, totally ingenious.

**Bowser Jr.:** Wasn't the whole bank thing your idea?

**Bowser:** That it was. Banks that steal your money and give only a slim chance of returning all the cash, most likely to someone else. I was going to make a huge profit during Western Land.

**Bowser Jr.:** That was an awesome idea, papa!

**Bowser:** In Western Land, people rob banks. In Soviet Western Land, banks rob people.

**Bowser Jr.:** You said it, papa! So...what are we going to do now?

**Bowser:** Now? Well...I guess this would be a good time for the ending credits to roll.

**BLOOPER MARIO SUNSHINE CREDITS**

Author - AllHailMario (a.k.a. Halo)

Publisher of Super Mario Sunshine - Nintendo

Inspiration for the entire fanfic - Anything and everything in Blooper Mario Sunshine

Ender of sugary cravings - Jelly Belly Jelly Beans

Does this credits list really need anything else?

* * *

**Author's Note:** Contrary to some beliefs and wishes, this is indeed the end of Blooper Mario Sunshine. Despite how lazy I often became during writing (almost four full years passed since its inception), it's been extremely fun to create. If I hadn't gotten it out, I probably would have gone insane.

Some quick announcements before you go: in case you are wondering, yes, Blooper Mario Sunshine does have its own picture now. I don't think you can see it that well, but it was designed just for this fic. Secondly, I am working on a novel called The Farewell's Chains which will hopefully be released within two years or so (gotta work quickly!). For more information on this novel, go see its description in the profile. A small website about The Legend of Zelda polls for what fans want to see in the future MIGHT also be in the works, but that is still a fairly small priority at this time.

Is this the end of my fanfic career? Yes and no. Don't expect any other full-blown fanfics hereafter, as they would distract me from writing on novels. However, I have too many goofy ideas to let go of, so a lot of one-shots will likely pop up. Stay tuned if you want more brief spurts of silliness.

Thanks for reading and putting up with my four-year procrastination!


End file.
